Rays of sunlight fall on the sheets of paper piled up on my desk. Some are covered in typewritten text, while others are handwritten. Each of them encompasses a life.
Years ago, these letters and notes contained agony, despair, unendurable suffering. Destroyed, crumpled lives, the death of children and close ones, incurable diseases. These had been deathbed letters. Their main motive had been the hope for a miracle, deliverance from constant misfortune. A lack of understanding of what was happening, a sense of fate’s injustice, bewilderment at betrayals and humiliation caused by close ones — not letters but pure pain.
Years have passed, and the meaning of the letters has changed. Almost all of them breathe with a happiness finally found. Not all of the people write about love and faith. However, love and faith have begun to be subtly present in every letter. Such words as ‘tragedy,” ‘catastrophe,” ‘betrayal,” ‘despair,” are almost absent now. What remains is, ‘have not yet succeeded,” ‘am not yet able,” ‘my loved one has blundered, has failed me.”
When you know who you are, where you have come from and where you are going, fear, agony, and melancholy gradually disappear. Life becomes a beautiful game, and the main prize in this game is love. We receive this prize periodically. Then, through naivety and an inability to sustain it we lose it and later, having endured trials and suffering, regain it. Gradually our soul stops depending on the comforts we worshipped earlier.
I go through the letters and wonder. Whenever possible, it’s necessary to strike out my name, as well as other names and surnames, so there wouldn’t be attachment towards a person’s identity, cut out some of the words of gratitude and praise for me, so that it’s not too sweet. The text itself is better left as is.
Lately more and more notes appear describing how a person’s character changes while simultaneously, an illness disappears. Sometimes miracles happen. The letters that should be included talk about consistent change, about overcoming ones problems. It would be better to leave the miracles out.
The most important miracle is the change of ones character and worldview. If instead of hatred, one is able to feel pity towards ones offender. When one approaches a close one who has accidentally caused insult with a generosity of spirit — this is a true miracle. If giving has become more pleasurable than receiving — this is also a miracle. In order for all of this to become possible it is necessary to bring the soul to order. Only then will love enter the soul and make a person happy. When the soul is healthy, then a future develops. Then ones destiny and health level out.
I remember a recent conversation with a woman. I had talked to her over the phone. This was a typical consultation, albeit by telephone. I did not see this woman, did not know who she was. However, this is often better, making it easier to come to what is most important.
“Please name your problem,” I said.
“My child has been diagnosed as mentally impaired.”
For a moment I wondered if it made sense to observe the subtle energy field of the child, then decided to study the mother. Changing to inner sight, I saw a pitiful picture: the possible death of a child lurked in the woman’s subtle energy field. This child had no future, for this reason he could only live with a minimal level of consciousness (consciousness is linked to the future). This can take the form of blindness, deafness, mental impairment, cerebral paralysis. The illness is always incurable.
If Doctors had beaten the disease, which in essence was a mechanism of the child’s soul salvation, the child would have died. Disease is always the result. When there is no future two options remain: incurable disease or death. Truthfully, there is also a third path, which before was practically impossible for most people. This is faith, love, and voluntary salvation of the soul. However, before saving the soul, it is first necessary to learn how not to kill it. This woman’s soul was in a catastrophic condition; speaking in my jargon, she suffered a partial destruction of seven layers of the soul. It is difficult for love to hold on with the soul in such a state. Enough energy remained for the woman herself, but no energy was left over for her child. It’s remarkable that the child did not die, and it was clear that no medicine could cure him. So what was going on with the woman’s soul?
I began to explain, “Any sin is a crime against love. It is an inner renouncement of God. First we reject love and lose our personal aspiration towards God, when we forget that true happiness is much more extensive then that which we call life’s pleasures. The first loss of love is completely imperceptible. Our main happiness becomes not love, but energy. Our main source of happiness becomes not God, but the world surrounding us. We stop refraining and distancing ourselves from life’s pleasures. We diversify them, are too diligent in our consumption of them, search for newer and newer pleasures. The fulfillment of desires, pleasure, happiness, consumption; all of these are very good as long as love is not infringed upon. Often, for love to be saved it is necessary to limit oneself, refrain, withhold from something. But for this faith and love need to be the first priority. If we begin to worship various idols, if we find our main happiness in our loved one, in our family, in our work, in pleasures and joys, then we destroy our unity with the Creator and love imperceptibly leaves our soul.”
“After excess, attachment appears, followed by crimes against the soul. A woman can easily have an abortion, reject her loved one because a sudden spark of lust, become partial to sex and alcohol, which is especially destructive before conception and during pregnancy. The woman is no longer able to endure pain of the soul and in response hates, resents her offender and does not want to live. An unwillingness to have a child, thoughts of abortion, is the same annihilation, only on the level of feelings. And if a first pregnancy terminates in abortion a woman automatically, subconsciously terminates her child during every following pregnancy.”
“When love leaves the soul, a woman stops feeling the presence of God’s will in everything. Then misfortunes and humiliation, which are required to help purify the soul, bring about the opposite result: unwillingness to live, melancholy, hatred towards the surrounding world. It seems to us, that our feelings are illusory, but they are just as real as our actions. Our behavior simply reinforces our feelings, fixates them, but that which we do arises from our feelings. Any outward crime is preceded by an inner crime.”
I paused, pondering whether it was necessary to clarify the details. Honestly speaking, I myself still do not understand many things in this field, tied as it is to a concept sacred as the soul. I am reluctant to trespass there with diagnostics; for this reason I limited myself to a question.
“Was there anything in your life from the things that I listed?”
“Practically everything,” the woman slowly replied.
“You have a lot of work ahead of you,” I said. “Most important, don’t set a goal for yourself to rid your child of illness, because subconsciously this will resemble worship of the future, and then your efforts will not bear fruit. If the goal of prayer for you is healing, then this is already a form of magical thinking. The most important goal should be to awaken love in the child’s soul, and a feeling of unity with God. If the soul will revive, the child will be cured. I would like to underline once more: happiness and health are side effects. The most important happiness is unity with God. The most important health is that of the soul. This is what you should strive for. For the time being, forget about your son’s illness, think about your soul and how to help it.”
I become distracted from my memories. If the sky were covered in clouds, if rain were cascading or snow tumbling down, that would be good. At the moment there is not a cloud in the sky. It is bottomless, blue and peaceful. And this is also good. Well, it’s time to begin reading these letters.
Dear Sergei Nikolayevich
I decided to write you a letter to thank you for your work. For the past 12 years I have been studying your books, and for the past three years I have been listening to your recordings. Bit by bit I have acquired Love, Faith, and dialectic thinking.
Who was I before you? A heathen with a half-paralyzed way of thinking, unable to love and with a bad attitude towards people. When I first took your book in my hands and began reading, I had a feeling, that I had been hit over the head with a log. You opened a huge, unexplored world before me. As it turned out, 99.9% of what happens to me is determined by this world. Your research is priceless, whatever fools and the envious may say. I will keep quiet about science, psychology and medicine.
I am very happy, that destiny hit you, and you just prayed and thought, “Why?” without answering the question yourself with aggression or melancholy. You made the lives of us, your followers, so much easier. Your books are easy to read, like a boat gliding on water. That which for an atheist or heathen is a total nightmare is for us — a small alignment. I smile, repent, and go on. You have made my life sweet, like a honey biscuit. I usually turn on a dvd with your lectures, and pray. I have a suspicion that I’ve become very dependent on them. Actually, your system has become my eyes and my template according to which; the short will be stretched, the long trimmed, the fat flattened if they do not fit into the system.
Thank you again for your immeasurable effort. I wish you creative success and national recognition.
With deep respect…
At some point, I also was a heathen, unable to love, with a huge ego and continuous pain in my soul. But from childhood I had a strong and persistent desire to comprehend the world. I believed, that it was possible, and never suppressed this aspiration in myself.
Children getting older usually ponder the meaning of life. And what is it, actually, the meaning of life? It is our main trajectory. It is the main desire, to which all others adhere. I did not want to be a slave of momentary desires and goals. The search for the meaning of life intensified my desire to know the world.
Usually, towards the age of twenty, the search for the meaning of life ends. Even without having this meaning, a person chooses for himself a more or less acceptable goal and begins striving towards it. In general this is fame, wellbeing, money.
My search for the meaning of life continued at twenty, at thirty, and at forty years of age. When after the age of 30 I would say that I was trying to figure out what the meaning of life was, I was regarded with a smile. Years passed, and people started looking at me with pity. But I did not renounce my aspiration. And perhaps would continue looking for my entire life.
When I was about forty years old, I began practicing healing and saw, how with the violation of universal laws, diseases would appear. This was an entrance to a new dimension. It turned out, that illness was help from above, allowing us to build a more correct worldview. Through illness and misfortune, we comprehend the universal laws. True understanding comes through love.
First, I perceived a human being as a mechanism, one that could be unscrewed or tightened up. Then I understood, that everything is united in a person: the body, spirit and soul are a united whole. It is impossible to cure the body if the soul is not healthy first. Treating a person is useless. It is only possible to help one get healthy. I then understood that the main medicine, that which cures all diseases, is love. Then I came to know that love lives in the soul. So it is necessary to care, first and foremost, about ones soul and only then about ones spirit and body.
I understood, that no system could be complete, perfect and finished. Any system is linked to the conscious mind, which is secondary in relation to the soul and to love. The main system is the universe, created by God and existing as part of Him. And the main function of this system is love. My desire to comprehend the world, my search for the meaning of life, my aspirations to beat diseases, all of these, in the end, became unified in this concept.
Let me succinctly describe my story. The adventures began ten years ago. My life’s orientation was not quite right — I got a correction — I was given diabetes. I began reading your books, had a consultation with you, began working on myself. The diabetes withdrew. I got married (before this my husband and I had been together for seven years). Then I put aside your books, abandoned my inner work, plunged into the human world, and the diabetes did not hesitate in returning
The further I went, the more misfortune: there was constant unhappiness with my husband, judgment, a heap of complaints. So I was given a car crash, two weeks in a coma, the doctors did not know if I would survive. Then there was a lengthy period of rehabilitation. For this period I left for the countryside with my mother and settled there — that is I began spending half of the year there, if not more. There are very few people there, there is no television, radio, computer, water — no civilization whatsoever. So a return to Moscow was a formidable stress for me. The forest became my teacher, there were no human emotions and I was comfortable there. I constantly did something with my hands, and in time returned to your books. Soon I became pregnant, gave birth to a son.
Everything was good. Two and a half years later I became pregnant again, and that was when my husband’s adventures began. First, his character changed, and then stones in his gallbladder, an operation, pancreatitis, treatment, problems with the intestines.
I gave birth to a second son, everything was alright, but troubles with my husband continued. He left for the countryside, no civilization, no comforts, very few people, and he more or less came back to normal. But he quit his job and is extremely thin. He returned and the pains began again. Please tell me what this might mean.
The physical body is bound energy. Consciousness is also energy, without a concrete structure. Feelings are also energy. Very much depends on the direction and the way in which this energy is realized.
The first of the Ten Commandments affirms the unity of the Creator. This means, that the universe is one and ones aspiration towards the creator need not be chaotic. A cell must give to the organism as a whole, increasing it’s unity with it, otherwise there will be disintegration.
The Second Commandment affirms “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.” This means that our main energy should be directed towards God, and not an object of worship, be it a loved one or an idol symbolizing money, power, wellbeing, sexuality, etc. Worshipping somebody or something, we forget about God, and the energy that needs to flow towards the main goal, shifts to secondary goals and begins to destroy the universe. This leads to the eventual disintegration of a person as well as that of his descendants.
The Third commandment affirms that one should not remember God between this and that.
By the way, I heard that one of the names of God sounds like “Elohim.” El in translation means united. It seems that the combination ‘oim’ may have come from the ancient indian word ‘om,” meaning absolute. In this way, the name “Elohim,” if translated by its meaning, is approximately the following, “Everything that may exist is the Creator; apart from Him there is nothing; He is absolutely united.” This means that we are a part of Him, we are inextricably bound to Him. If a cell relates negligently to the organism, it becomes cancerous. Negligence is a shift of priorities.
If I respect my parents, this means that subconsciously, I put them in first place and myself in second. The feeling of oneself as secondary in respect to one’s parents helps one to feel secondary in respect to God; the secondary priority of soul, spirit and body in relation to God. If, however, I do not respect my parents, this means that I put myself in first place, and them in second. Then I begin to get ill and die, not understanding that my soul is losing its unity with God, not noticing that my body, spirit and soul are coming to the forefront, while love remains in the background.
Speaking about God in vain, that is carelessly, with irony, is in essence disrespect towards Him. In this case a person subconsciously puts himself in first place. But it is love that nourishes the soul, spirit and body, and love comes only when it becomes most valuable to us. And when we turn away from love and our human needs become the first priority, a slow death begins. Moreover, the first to weaken and then die, becoming incapable of life, are our future descendants. Sometimes, in order to save them, we ourselves begin to get sick and die.
A careless attitude towards God leads to energy no longer being directed at the main goal. As soon as energy turns around and begins to flow first and foremost towards objects of secondary importance, a mechanism destroying the unity of the universe begins, which quickly is replaced by a mechanism destroying the person himself.
The fourth Commandment states that one day of the week it is necessary to detach oneself from everything and dedicate oneself to God. A constant occupation with tasks, work, ties us more and more strongly to human values. Attachment gives birth to dependance and aggression and inner aggression brings forth misfortune, illness.
How can it be? One person can work intensely and still be joyful, healthy, while another, who is not especially overwhelmed with work, but worries, is resentful, irritable — can become seriously ill. The answer is in the particularities of the subconscious. Our consciousness is separated from the energy of the universe. For this reason, if we worship work, or a loved one at the conscious level, this is not dangerous for the universe. Our body and consciousness do not have a universal scale, whereas the soul does and when the worship of something starts to enter deep into the soul, that is the subconscious, which is the main component of the soul. At that point the universe reacts immediately.
Lets ask ourselves: in which case do words, thoughts and feelings, linked to actions enter the subconscious? The main rules are very simple: That enters the subconscious easily which is accompanied by positive feelings; that which is confirmed one hundred percent, that which does not raise any doubts. That which is repeated constantly, as well as that which is accompanied by a big release of energy.
If you will work seven days a week, you will forget about God, because the process of worshipping work, wellbeing will be continuous for you. Any human function exists by the principle of a sine wave, and only the Divine can be constant and continuous. Periodic detachment from human desires, from communication with close ones, from all important tasks, from pleasures, allows you to restore the disappearing unity with the Creator, correctly organize your priorities, direct energy towards the main goal. If one interprets the fourth commandment literally, then on saturday it is simply necessary to stop working. Actually the meaning of saturday is that periodically a person must abstain from everything, that he temporarily is compelled to worship.
Another important point: that enters the subconscious to which we relate to with reverence and respect. The phrases and advice of parents heard in our childhood can be memorized and become guidelines for our entire lives. A reverent attitude towards God allows us to more easily and quickly restore the disappearing unity with Him.
When a person goes to the countryside, a radical change in this energy happens. Life in a big city imperceptibly sucks out the soul. In order to survive in a big city we become used to spending huge amounts of energy on all levels; physical, spiritual, and soul. There is a constant, unnoticeable temptation to spend more energy than is necessary, and to direct it where it should not go. For this reason indulgence, ethical decay, and the loss of faith in God were always much stronger in big cities. It is enough to remember Ancient Rome. Being in nature, limiting our physical and spiritual comfort, we help our soul revive. A lot of energy frees up, which, if properly directed via abstaining, praying, restores our wholeness. It is for this reason that people are so drawn to nature. For this reason many strive to have a country house, if albeit a tiny one, where they can toil in the garden from morning till night. The more physical energy they give, the fewer thoughts in their heads, the calmer and happier they are in their souls.
Diabetes is a result of heightened attachment, love that has turned into desire, jealously, unhappiness, and judgment. Problems in health and destiny, tearing us from the worship of the body, spirit and soul, purify our energy, fill the soul with love and allow us to give birth to healthy children. However, when children are born, one shouldn’t consider this payment for a job well done, as this is only an advance. In order for a child to survive and be healthy and happy, his parents need to give him love and teach him to love. If we are not ready for this, then two options are left — either the child gets sick and dies, or we, the parents, through illness, bring our souls to order.
Stones in the gallbladder diminish attachment to the future, consciousness, spirit. Pancreatitis diminishes desires, attachments, jealousy. Problems with the intestinal tract help purify the soul.
First destiny healed the husband from pride and jealousy. Pride is healed through problems with the liver, jealously through problems with the gallbladder.
Now about the intestinal tract. How is it affected by the soul? The answer is crystal clear. The soul appeared first, that is to say that it is more ancient than the spirit and body. On the level of the body, the most ancient organ is the intestinal tract. For this reason, we think and feel with our intestinal tract first, and then with our brain. Moreover, the intestinal tract reacts to future events about which our brain simply doest suspect. This is where the expression ‘gut feeling’ comes from. The main information from the future is first worked over by the intestinal tract, then the liver, and then by the brain. Now scientists have already arrived at the conclusion that about 80 percent of the body’s immune system is provided by the intestinal tract. Sooner or later, scientists will be forced to tie together such concepts as the immune system and the inner energy levels of a person. Because the main energy is in the soul, as is, by the way, all of the information of the universe, the concept of the immune system is, first and foremost, tied to the soul and the intestinal tract.
Aggressive feelings destroy the soul and lower the immune system, so the illnesses that stalk your husband are actually help from above, that saves your sons. The partial destruction of the body, spirit, and soul force us to cling to that which is eternal, and gradually in the subconscious love is prioritized to first place.
For this reason if a person, having received a disease, becomes softer and kinder, tries to cast aside all of his problems, tries to abstain inwardly from everything that gets in the way of love, then his energy levels revive. If a person prays, striving towards God, feeling that unification with the Creator is the highest pleasure — this is what the illness was intended for. The Divine energy of love begins to permeate the soul. Later it passes into the souls of our children and future descendants, reviving and saving them. Illness, in this case, is no longer needed, and that which doctors call a ‘miraculous and inexplicable cure’ can take place. So any illness hints to us that it is time to care for the soul and remember, that the main happiness is love, providing unity with God.
Everything comes from God. Everything is for our benefit. It is only necessary to figure out what is beneficial. Those for whom benefit is a healthy body become slaves of their stomaches and promiscuity. Divine logic is something that they will never understand. Such people are simply physically incapable of begin monotheists.
Those for whom benefit is wellbeing, power, abilities, perceive any misfortune, humiliation or loss as a tragedy and hate the people surrounding them, blaming them for their problems. For these people, Divine logic is similarly unattainable. For them the world is divided into two parts — black and white. They also cannot be monotheists. These people believe that there is a kind god who takes care of them, provides welfare, grants their wishes, and there is a wicked god, who takes away from them, hurts them, brings misfortune. They love the kind god and hate the wicked one. But little by little they begin to notice, that they love the kind one less and less, and the wicked one more and more. And then they gradually begin to worship the wicked one.
There are people, who consider the greatest benefit to be beautiful feelings. These people suffer greatly when they are betrayed, when somebody behaves unethically and dishonorably. They judge such people with contempt, and feel offended by God for allowing the existence of the unethical and dishonorable. People worshipping beautiful feelings gradually begin to despise God, who destroys that which is most holy and marvelous in their souls.
The first category (those who worship the body) feel contempt towards others and experience superiority towards them if they feel physically stronger or have more money. The second category feel contempt towards others and experience superiority towards them when they feel stronger spiritually. They have more abilities, they have a higher intuition, they are better at managing situations, they are able to achieve wellbeing for themselves and their relations. The third category look contemptuously at those who have a handicapped soul, and the feeling of moral superiority makes them truly happy. The first, the second, and the third secretly hate God when he takes away that which they consider their greatest benefits; happiness for the spirit, body or soul.
However, in actuality, the greatest benefit is love. It is that, which is impossible to destroy. It is that, for the sake of which the universe exists. It is that, for the sake of which our body, our consciousness, and the mortal part of our soul is destroyed.
“Whatever God may do- everything is for the best.” This saying, known to everybody, appeared long ago. However, what is meant by the word ‘best?” If it is love, then our life becomes a continuos opportunity to be happy, because any situation works towards love. If, however, we believe that this is wellbeing for the soul, spirit, or body, then Divine logic becomes incomprehensible for us. Then, defending superficial wellbeing, we turn away from love more and more, destroying our souls and losing the future, until misfortune and disease fails to save us from slow and inconspicuous extinction.
Greetings Sergei Nikolaevich!
Thank you for your research. I have read all of your books, attended lectures and seminars, begun dealing with difficult situations with more ease. From childhood, I was interested only in pleasures: food, entertainment, masturbation.
In university I fell in love. My relationship with the young man was close, and I became pregnant. He insisted on an abortion. At first I resisted, but later went ahead with it (It was embarrassing to give birth without a husband, it was necessary to finish university) and fell into a terrible depression.
A year later I got married. Everything was going well, I became pregnant, waited for the child with great anticipation. On the 33rd week of the pregnancy, a pathological problem with the kidneys was discovered. I worried but tried to keep bad thoughts at bay.
The child was born heavy, via cesarean section. A line of never-ending operations followed, for the restoration of the urinary tract. I walked around like a zombie, took care of the child like a machine. I did not want to live, understood that I need to change my attitude towards the situation or die.
It was then that I encountered your films and videos. I listened to them constantly, tried to change myself, but this happened with huge resistance. The child began to get better, I became a little softer, began to treat people more leniently, stopped raving about my career and wellbeing. Became pregnant with a second child, on the fifth month of pregnancy my husband cheated on me. I prayed, suffered, agonized, forgave. I gave birth to a son, and he was placed in reanimation, diagnosed with insufficient breathing — tetraparese. I prayed, repeating that I loved God more than all of human happiness. The child was signed out, the doctors were surprised that everything was alright.
I understood that my life was now conditional on constant misfortunes in my fate — when they are absent I become tense. And recently my older son was examined, and a stone in his left urinary tract was discovered, as well as a widening of the entire system, though he feels alright. This is an ordeal for me, I’m in shock, and don’t want to live, though I had thought that I had already worked though such themes. I am at a dead end, fear and regret have come up, life has lost its meaning, but I know that I will still be able to cope, I am trying.
I do not know why I am writing you this letter. Perhaps it is just to share my worries, like with a father. I already gave myself a diagnose: rejection of love in favor of a successful destiny, inability to sacrifice.
Thank you for everything, I continue to change.
Lets start at the beginning. Why was it that from childhood, only pleasures were interesting? The sense of happiness appears in us when love flows in our soul. The rejection of love in favor of secondary goals, breaking the commandments, all of this imperceptibly leads to love cooling in the soul. The soul then begins to suffer, and he who does not know how to return to God and gain love, he who doesn’t know how to do this, is forced to make up for the absence of love with external happiness. The worship of pleasures begins, which give the soul a sense of happiness.
Lust turns into masturbation, this is happiness for the surface layers of the soul. The spirit enjoys entertainment. The body enjoys food, comfort. The more we aim towards pleasure, the faster the soul weakens. A person stops living through love and the soul, the future becomes most important for him, spiritual values — power, wellbeing. It is worship of wellbeing that forces one to have abortions, reject love, act immorally, destroying the soul.
The young man insisted on an abortion because he felt that the child would have been not very capable of life. However, an abortion is an abortion — its consequences inevitably affected the second child. Pathology of the kidneys occurs when there is a heightened attachment to pleasures, which leads to a heightened pride. Worship of the future, spirituality, was curbed by the problem with the kidneys, the problem with the urogenital system curbed lust. When you began to pray, love started coming to first place. Because on the level of the soul we are all one, the child’s inner energy level changed, the system of priorities normalized and he began recovering.
On the fifth level of pregnancy it is necessary to practice detachment from everything, because the child communicates with God. Because there was not enough detachment, destiny helped humble the soul through the husbands infidelity. However, the willingness to accept the humiliation of human values and sustain love nonetheless was not yet big enough. Because of this, the second child’s pride had not been overcome, and he was unable to accept pain of the soul while sustaining love. Therefore, illnesses helped lessen the dependency on the soul and spirit, strengthen unity with God. The fact that a stone was discovered in the son’s urinary tract — this is simply the inability to accept future problems with love.
Love can treat anything. One should not think that if one has received health then faith and love are no longer needed. One should not bind prayer and health together literally. The necessity of love and unity with God should be the same as the need to breathe.
Your diagnose is simple: the lack of love and inability to love. However, it seems that this diagnosis, to a large extent, is already in the past.
From two months of age; pylorospasm (food failed to enter the stomach). Shots of Amenazin (Thorozine) to the head. From the age of five, psychotic problems. I screamed, twisted my joints, beat myself. I was in psychiatric hospitals several times. Doctors were unable to choose a concrete diagnosis, said that it looked like a weak form of schizophrenia. In the orthodox church, in 1994, it was said that this was possession by demons. There were three exorcisms — no changes.
From the age of fourteen, in order to keep from going insane, I drank a lot, cavorted with women but never lived with them, masturbated a lot, was treated for delirium at a psychiatric hospital.
And you wouldn’t tell from my physical appearance: 177 cm tall, a commanding appearance, a mountain skier of an expert level. For this reason, psychiatrists did not want to give me any handicapped benefits, until I bribed them.
I am either chased out of any job, or I run out myself. With any work my aggression rises dramatically, both to my surroundings and to myself. I mean paid work. But this was before.
Lets continue. Recently I have been wanting to write something, in order to realize myself. For this reason, I am a little envious of you. If only somebody could feel how difficult is to to be externally normal, even attractive, while feeling hellish agony in the soul! It is very difficult to write this letter. I cannot use the internet, it makes me crazy.
I have been familiar with your information from the appearance of your first book, in 1993, but only since 2012 have there been changes. Depression disappeared, energy appeared! I felt light, illumination in my soul, the freshness of a morning breeze. I can easily picture the holographic nature of the universe, I am in everything that exists, the love of the Creator. I felt unity with God and the constant feeling of love towards Him.
I stopped drinking alcohol completely. I don’t want to. I haven’t had a drink in two years, as though I never had — it’s even comical. I had been treated for it more than once by the best addiction specialists in Moscow for huge amounts of money. By the way, one of them, a professor said, “You are a psycho, it is useless to help you, you will die anyway.” I had thought to myself, “Only after you, sir.” This is my story.
Now, Sergei Nikolaevich, I would like doomed people, having heard of my experience, to know that it is better to dully walk or crawl forward doing inner work than shake from fear, pity yourself, and lower your hands.
I felt that these happy moments of the soul’s illumination and light, seemingly without cause, couldn’t be bought by all of the wealth of our beautiful planet. I wish everybody Love, the souls illumination.
PS: Sorry for the text, i had to write in a condensed way. In 2002 it was necessary to remove my pancreas- it had rotted. Now impotency, imbalanced emotions. I struggle with aggression, take medication, but still I am happy. Thank you!
Actually, when I read your letter, It seemed that you had written my biography. The difference being, that my case was a little better in terms of health — physical and mental.
For many years I lived with the feeling that I had been pierced in the stomach with a knife that was always turning while I had to smile and act as though nothing was happening. Unfortunately, I cannot describe all of these situations, but believe me, that which is called the humiliation of the body, spirit, and soul, was not only largely present in my life; it happened continuously.
Inner survival in such circumstances is impossible. I understand why people become criminals. It is simply an attempt at self destruction, subconsciously pulling in death as a solution to the soul’s agony. It was possible to survive only by subconsciously striving towards God. This endless suffering helped me to feel love as a reality, and gradually all of that which was called misfortune, became for me the habitual chance to struggle, evolve, change for the better.
Though once, about 15 years ago, I told myself “Why should I constantly strive towards God? I am simply tired. Why is it that I should constantly hold love in my soul?” And I spent one day with the feeling of the loss of love in my soul. The sense of light left me, as well as the souls warmth, the meaning of being. I then understood what true misfortune was. If one gathers all of the problems that I had in my life into one place, all of my suffering and agony, then they would not be one thousandth of the inexpressible tragedy that I felt then. I do not know what would have happened to me had this state continued. I understood then why people commit suicide: they try to replace the death of the soul with the death of the body.
Then everything was restored. I still felt resentful when i was treated unfairly, regretted lost money, was unhappy with the small bedroom in my apartment. However I never again forgot that I was happy in truth — every moment, every second, every hour and every day. Not losing this state — this is what became one of my main goals. Later I realized that this state can be cultivated, stabilized, built upon.
So we are all going in the same direction together. We all help one another. Experience, even unsaid, not written down on a piece of paper, is transferred to the souls of all people at the level of feelings. Saving our souls, in this way we always help others and save others. If the soul rejuvenates, the consciousness and body will likewise rejuvenate. It is nice to know and feel that there are likeminded people.
I would like to share my experience with those women, who are unable to get pregnant for a long time.
In 1999, I had an abortion. (How will I raise the child? The father is not quite right…) Overall, I was concerned about my fortunate destiny. In 2002, I came across your book, and began working on myself.
In 2005, I was hit by a car with such strength that I flew over to the other side of the road (while I flew, I was unconscious). My first thoughts, after I came back to consciousness a few seconds later, “God, I accept this with love and gratitude, and have no hard feelings towards the driver.” I got away with two bruises on my left side (my hip and my shoulder) and a dislocation of my neck vertebrae. I did not even take sick leave, but my neck hurt. I found a manual therapist and after a year and a half, got married to him. A month before the wedding, my future husband said that for the first year of marriage, a child would wait (it was the wrong horoscope; the year of the rat). I worried, though I understood that the problem was not him, that through him I was given an abasement of my future. I continued to work inwardly, read books, watch disks. After a year the situation changed, but still for almost a year efforts to get pregnant were unsuccessful.