About the Book
The difference between typical male and female behavior is so big that the two genders seem to have come from different planets. Is this correct? Of course not. The truth is, a wrong social stereotype can lead you to serious problems in your personal relationships.
Behavior depends much more on temperament and educational background than gender. However, being aware of temperamental traits like “a choleric person gets angry very easily” and “a melancholic person is sensitive” is not enough to see through a man. You need to know what to expect from him in various situations at home and in public, and how to get along with him in the best possible way to ensure a long and healthy relationship.
The purpose of the book “Four Role Types of Men” is not only to help you explain some of your partner’s previous actions, but to foresee future actions as well — without any chiromancy, astrology or card-reading. Find out what you can do to change aspects of his behavior, and what cannot be changed in him no matter what you do. Learn how your relationship can benefit from his personal virtues, and how you can overcome his faults and weaknesses. In short, gain the knowledge you need to be happy with your chosen one.
About the author
Artsun Akopyan is a writer and freelance translator based in Russia. His publications include books for English language learners, short stories and novels, translations of fiction and nonfiction books from English into Russian, and applied psychology books.
She fell in love — got married — gave birth to a baby — and got divorced…
About half of all women in the US and many other countries follow this same, unenviable path. What is the reason behind this unfortunate development? A standard reply to this question is “He and I were incompatible”. But what is the correct answer?
Misunderstanding. That is the root of all evil. What makes a loving man change for the worse only a couple of months or years after the wedding? What causes him to start raising his voice? What compels him to use violence? What is the reason behind his drinking and cheating?
For women that fail to find an answer to these questions, a corny phrase comes to mind: “All men are the same.” Or even a ruder version of the thought: “All men are trash”. Simple and clear. Is this popular wisdom correct?
No. This generalizing idea is quite wrong. Half of the population cannot simply be scum. You will never find deep and eternal love if you consider men to be worthless beings. On the other hand, by trying to reform a man by giving him lectures or going into hysterics, you might achieve the opposite effect, by convincing him that “all women are bitches”.
Who will benefit from this response? Only his secret lover, if he already has one. The cunning lady will try to prove that she is the exception to the rule, that she is an angel who came down from the sky especially for her man, and that there is no one like her on the earth.
Is this OK with you? If yes, you may stop reading. If not, let us look into the male psyche so that your union will not fall apart when tested by reality. We will start our analysis with a simple question: are all men really the same?
Chapter 1: All men are different
About half of the world’s population consists of men, and they are quite easy to distinguish from women. They have wider eyebrows, larger noes, thinner lips, and sharper chins.
And yet they are not molded to the same pattern. A man’s face can be distinguished not only from a female one, but also from another man’s, even if they belong to the same nationality. Representatives of the stronger sex also differ from each other in age, height, figure, hair color… In short, the appearance of men varies across the board, unless they are twins.
But perhaps the phrase “all men are the same” is true when it comes to behavior? No, there is no common standard for this factor either.
One man is an adventurer, another is a control freak.
One counts the change at a cashier’s desk carefully, another shoves it into his pocket without looking.
One chatters like a magpie, another prefers not to waste words.
One constantly violates the rules of the road, another does it accidentally for the first time in ten years (and probably receives a large fine).
One is a football fan, another is mad about philosophy, poetry, and Renaissance paintings.
One was kicked out of school because of academic failure, another received three different university diplomas and is fluent in five languages.
The list of examples is endless. The conclusion is unequivocal: each man behaves in his own way. Even twins who grew up in the same family act differently!
Maybe “all men are the same” when it comes to their attitude towards women? This is also incorrect!
Do you require examples? No problem!
There are men who believe in eternal love and devote poems to ladies. They are called hopeless romantics. There are others who believe in the power of money, and order women to their house by phone. They are considered cynics.
There are men who are submissive to their wives. They are nicknamed henpecked husbands. There are other husbands who only obey their dark desires. They are called petty tyrants.
There are those who reject marriage in principle. They are confirmed bachelors. There are those who marry several times in a row and never file for divorce. Those are polygamists.
What is the conclusion? Are all men so different that they have nothing in common?
As you know, there are no two people on earth with identical fingerprints, faces and skull shapes. The same applies to behavior. Nevertheless, we as humans strive to find out what standard the people around us belong to, and to categorize them into groups. Firstly, by gender, then, by age, height, shape, color, physical attractiveness, and behavior.
Why do we do this?
Because we as human-beings seek to understand whether a person is like us or different, attractive or not, dangerous or harmless.
Behavioral typing is important for us. It helps to understand what to expect from a person in various situations.
If you know that a man is a chatterbox, he will most likely prattle endlessly at the next meeting, which will not surprise you. But if he comes tight-lipped, something uncharacteristic of him, you should be wary. Is he ill or angry, or trying to hide something from you?
Uncharacteristic behavior is an alarm. It is a warning that you should keep your eyes open!
Conversely, if a person behaves as usual, you can relax. You know what to expect from them. If you understand the man correctly, chances are there will be no unpleasant surprises.
But what if you do not understand him well?
The consequences can be painful. You expect praise from the man, but find out he is irritated for an unknown reason. You may think that he is delighted with your new hairstyle, but then notice that he’s staring at your friend’s tattoo. You hope to enjoy a romantic evening with lots of hugs, but he ends up tinkering with his car in the garage until midnight, returning all covered up with black oil, a stench of which drowns out your new perfume. Great expectations do not coincide with reality. Who is to blame? You. Those were your expectations.
Wishful thinking leads to unfavorable outcomes. You invent a person’s identity and attribute it to your chosen person. After that, you wonder why his behavior seems so strange.
It is not strange at all. Your man behaves in accordance with his “role type’ derived from his temperament, upbringing, education and life experience. He interacts with the world in a way that is natural for him, not for you.
There are several types of men in terms of their interaction with the world. Therefore, guides like “How to keep a man attracted to you” can be useless, and sometimes even harmful. You cannot make everyone fit into the same pattern! What one likes leaves another indifferent and repels a third. The odor that attracted your first boyfriend can cause an allergic reaction in your second one!
To avoid painful quarrels, try to make out who your chosen one is. Separate features like “tall,” “broad-shouldered” and “clever” are not enough, you need to use a more nuanced approach.
How can you do this? How can you understand what “role type’ he is?
First, you need to figure out what role types there are. This will be discussed in the next chapter.
Chapter 2: Everyone has a role
Shakespeare once wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.”
Actually, for the stage to function, other people besides the “players” are necessary. Someone has to write the script, someone needs to organize the sale of tickets, and of course there must be an audience to watch the performance. In total, we have four roles performing on the stage. Let us refer to them as the following:
Why four exactly?
Because they correspond to four types of temperament discovered by the ancient Greek physician Hippocrates and described by Galen, a Roman physician of Greek origin. The temperament types are well known: phlegmatic, sanguine, choleric, and melancholic. Each temperament behaves differently in society, and each subconsciously seeks to play the role that corresponds with their higher nervous activity type. In other words, the four stage characters are a social expression of temperaments, their manifestation in public life. Or, to put it even simpler, they are the role types.
Your man may not fully correspond to one of these temperaments, but the most important features will certainly coincide with your personality and disposition.
Let us see how these types differ from each other.
The Scriptwriter’s temperament type is phlegmatic.
The primary activity of the Scriptwriter is thinking. His approach to life can be described in the words of the Roman philosopher Cicero: “I am speaking of a clever and learned man, for whom to live is to think.”
The Scriptwriter can ponder on various problems from morning to night, and the need to interrupt this fascinating process for the night’s sleep makes him feel uneasy. As it is said in a famous song of a British rock band, “The Show Must Go On!” For the Scriptwriter, “The Show” is an endless stream of his own thoughts.
Waking up in the morning, he lies in bed with his eyes open, and looks at the ceiling. He doesn’t seem to care that the beautiful, intelligent, gentle woman lying next to him has also woken up, and that she would like to hear something like “Good morning, gorgeous! Did you sleep well?” She sighs, yawns, and stretches herself to attract his attention. No reaction! Is he cold-hearted?
Not at all. At this very moment, the turmoil of passions might be raging inside him: discontent, hope, despair, joy… What could cause this? Virtually anything!
For example, he may be worried by a change in the fur seals’ migration route, which he was told about in yesterday’s news. And it doesn’t matter that before the news release, he had no idea where the seals migrated, and whether they migrated at all. Information pops up in his head as soon as he wakes up. He is wondering what the reason was for this change in their lives, and begins looking for a solution. Where? In his own head, of course, using logic, his main tool for exploration of the world. And his emotions depend on how successful the process is!
If the Scriptwriter cannot make out why the seals changed their route, he is discontented. If he has a plausible assumption about the causes, such as Greenland snow melting, an oil spill in the ocean, or the impact of a meteorite, which was also mentioned in the newscast, he becomes more optimistic. If he considers his own solution correct and clever, he is filled with joy!
You may ask yourself why he cares about this. Is he a fool?
By no means, he is not. The Scriptwriter is not worried about the seals; he wants to get to the truth. He might just as well ponder on what tactics and strategy could lead Napoleon to victory in the Battle of Waterloo if he watched a relevant historical film the day before. Or perhaps, what are the chances for the Argentinian national football team to enter the America’s Cup playoffs this year. Or possibly the likelihood of scientists creating of an artificial spleen in an advanced medical lab by the beginning of the next decade…
What he will hardly think about is whether the ceiling that he is looking at requires whitewashing. The reason for this is that he does not actually see the ceiling. His mind’s eye is directed much farther. He analyzes events in the past, present and future, not the quality of the ceiling surface! Household chores are not in his sphere of interest.
However, there are exceptions.
For example, the Scriptwriter deals with household problems professionally, as for example, an interior or furniture designer. That is, he makes something new in the area. He invents and creates!
Another exception: the Scriptwriter perceives a domestic problem as a challenge to his mental abilities. For example, a switch socket he bought does not fit in the recess in a wall. How will he insert it? Is it better to redo the outlet or expand the recess? He can fiddle about with the socket for a few hours, but he will not regret the time spent if he succeeds.
The third possible exception is when he raises a routine task to the level of artwork. For example, instead of repairing a broken chair, he makes a new one, with carved legs and a special shaped seat. This might take him a month, but he will soon proudly ask a guest to sit on this masterpiece, and state, “Feel the difference”, and wait for praises of his talent.
Domestic chores are of interest to him only if he has to strain not only his muscles, but also his brain, and to do what he has never done before.
The Scriptwriter’s creative approach is evident in any sphere. Who else can he work as?
Perhaps an excellent accountant who can find the best and fastest way to make calculations and balance debit and credit? Or an outstanding programmer who can work alone to create a useful application for a smartphone, or in a large team to develop a new operating system? Or a valuable engineer who will surely identify the cause of an assembly line shutdown and come up with an effective means to fix the problem? Or a scientist dreaming of a Nobel Prize — and receiving it one day? Or a Scriptwriter in the literal sense of the word, that is, a person whose thoughts are embodied on a real stage by real actors!
Unfortunately, not all Scriptwriters achieve such impressive results. For some, the pinnacle of achievement is the self-made chair with carved legs.
This means that they directed their thinking in a wrong way. They gave too much thought to things that were irrelevant to them — such as migration of fur seals — and too little to the proper use of their talents. Or that they chose a wrong field of activity — for example, they obtained the position as a head of a programming team, only to cease writing code themselves. They should have taken into account that not everyone is born to be a Steve Jobs.
Before taking on the burden of responsibility for others, the Scriptwriter should ask himself, “Do I have leadership skills? Do I really want to be a boss?”
The Scriptwriter should remember that his advantage is the ability to analyze and create. Before diving into something else like directing a theater, playing on stage, or becoming a regular spectator, he needs to ask himself, “Why? Is it right for me?” An honest answer could be, “I don’t want to be a boss” or, “I don’t like performing on stage”, or, “It is not enough for me to watch other’s plays, I want to write one myself!”
So what’s the problem? Let him write or do other suitable work! He may not be a billionaire like Apple founder Steve Jobs or a movie star like Charlie Chaplin, but he will like his job, earning a decent income. This is much better than being under a constant stress in pursuit of other people’s goals!
What about love? Can the Scriptwriter develop deep feelings for a woman?
Oh yeah! He, like any other healthy man, has sexual desires inspired by nature. But he is not a primitive male who will act according to the principle “I came, I saw, I conquered.” He is an intellectual. And he does not simply react instinctively to the look and smell of a female, but tries to analyze and control his reaction.
How does he analyze and control it? First of all, he tries to find out if his sexual reaction is justified.
Imagine that you have a spectacular hairstyle and make-up, while also wearing your sexiest dress, stiletto heels and a diamond necklace. This will of course attract the Scriptwriter’ attention and make him admire your beauty. But do not rush to celebrate your victory. You are not a goddess in his opinion just yet. To become one, you must seem to be perfect to him in all respects, including the way you walk and laugh, and what you say and do.
In this regard, everything depends on what he considers to be an ideal woman. Can a “goddess” smoke? Is she allowed to drink wine, brandy, and vodka? May she use bad language? Must she be able to cook lasagna, write poetry, do the splits, dance hip-hop, sing a song in tune without a single false note? At last, does she treat him well enough?
The Scriptwriter will evaluate everything.
To truly fall in love, he needs to acknowledge you as Miss Perfection!
If the Scriptwriter finds some flaws in your character that seem to be incompatible with the status of a “goddess,” his feelings will conflict with his mind. Hormones urge him to make advances to you, but his brain begins to murmur in response, “She is a slob, she has a nasty laugh, she makes lots of errors in her messages, she does not respect me,” and the like.
If the Scriptwriter is not already head over heels in love with you, he will be able to subdue his passions, and leave you. Then he will look for another “goddess,” perhaps endlessly.
If his passion is too strong, he may give in to the onslaught of hormones and reveal his feelings to you. But what will happen next, when the hormonal storm ends and the infatuation passes? Will you be able to build a lasting relationship with him?
Everything will depend on how well you understand the character traits of each other and whether you both want to adapt to shortcomings.
The Scriptwriter can be a great life partner. He is not a leader, but he is able to get a good wage if he chooses the right profession to implement his creativity.
He is a responsible and reliable person who always strives to fulfill his promises.
He can do any work at home like repairing electrical sockets, gluing wallpaper on the walls or upholstering furniture, even if he has never done it before.
It is interesting to talk to him as he always has some fresh information from the most diverse areas — politics, economics, culture, sports, astronomy, which he does not mind sharing.
He is able to think logically and at the same time outside the box.
His patience and sense of humor will appease your tantrum and make you laugh.
He will select the best weight loss method for you, help you learn a foreign language, and forgive culinary mistakes.
The Scriptwriter is an attentive and romantic lover, and gives sex exclusively for love.
The Scriptwriter has a good set of qualities, and your task is to use this set properly!
The Director’s temperament type is sanguine.
The purpose of the Director’s life is making life comfortable.
You will forget about warped window frames, sticking of a front door lock and a leaking tap in the bathroom. He will fix everything. To do this, he always has all the required tools in a special case: a hammer, a screwdriver, an adjustable wrench, and whatnot.
The director has a high opinion of himself, maintains his dignity, and is always well dressed — he can wear stylish white clothes even at home.
He never talks nonsense. If he is not familiar with a topic, he would rather stay silent.
In a professional field, this type does not necessarily become the director of an organization, but he certainly performs some functions associated with management or control. He can be a chief accountant, a personnel department head, a restaurant chef, an auditor, a crew foreman, a luggage room manager…
Whoever this man is by training and position, he probably understands something related to building construction, car repair, and banking operations — at least to the extent that no one could cheat him in these important spheres of life.
The Director behaves the way he does because he wants to live in decent conditions, to drive without breakdowns or accidents, and to have financial reserves!
If you’re married to such a person, congratulations! Financial problems are unlikely to bother you. However, you may hear about them all the time from your husband — the Director.
The Director is usually impressed by grand-looking people riding in expensive cars, especially if they have bodyguards around them. This can be used by swindlers. Fake businessmen or state officials can pull the wool over his eyes so that he will agree to give them a large sum of money in exchange for a lucrative contract or a high position in the city administration. The more brazen the lie, the more credible it seems to be to him!
Why? The Director’s weak point is poorly developed intuition. He is not used to digging into his own emotions or scrutinizing other people’s ideas. He has no free time for that! The man is too busy to pay attention to someone’s facial expressions, gestures and intonation. Other people are important to him from the functional point of view, as they help or hamper in achieving his goals. If their actions seem to be logical and useful to him, he is eager to cooperate. He does not feel that he might be fooled! However, to achieve success, the swindlers must be experts in their field, because the Director has a habit of rechecking any information. He sorts out data much better than emotions!
His health comes first. Nobody likes to be ill, but the Director considers any illness a big inconvenience, because he not only has to incur additional expenses for treatment, but also has to change his work plans. It depresses him even more than high temperature. Therefore, he tries to avoid diseases by eating healthy food and doing sports regularly.
The Director only pays attention to practical information that is useful not for the world in general, but personally for him, his family and work.
Unlike the Scriptwriter, he will not think over the migration of seals, discovery of new galaxies, breakthroughs in robotics or elections in Venezuela if all of this has no direct connection with his life.
But he will definitely watch the South American Football Championship if his boss is interested in football. This will allow him to make small talk with the man during his lunch break. He remembers very well that friendship with the boss is a prerequisite for a successful career!
What about a relationship with a woman?
At first, the Director may seem to be a bright, friendly and generous person who can do many impulsive things to attract your attention, and even risk his life for no actual reason. That is a wrong impression. He just knows how lovers behave. He read about it in books, saw it in movies and on TV. He does what he must, in his estimation, to meet a woman’s expectations.
The Director has real passions, but they do not make him irrational. He just lets himself express his feelings when he considers it appropriate. He is willing to pay a high price for the happiness of being with you — but not too high.
Yes, he can send you a great bouquet of roses, but only for a reasonable price. He will never sell his house to buy a yacht if living in a yacht is your dream, not his.
The Director is a serious and thrifty person. Before committing any “impulsive” acts, he will carefully calculate all the consequences!
Get ready for the fact that some time after the wedding, you will begin receiving a lot of instructions from him on how to behave and what to do. The Director likes to command. Giving orders to others is his natural state of existence.
Of course, he can get a clean towel out of the closet, wipe the table with a rag, or make coffee himself. But why should he do it if you are within reach? He has more important things to do. Why don’t you put off your petty chores and do what he asks? He is absolutely sure that would be good for both of you.
By the way, he does not know how to ask politely. His requests, even if the magic word “please” was in them, strangely sound like military orders. When you demand, “Watch your tone,” the Director looks perplexed: “what’s wrong?” He is sure he did not insult you! He did not even raise his voice!
Your attempts to show him how to express requests politely will lead to nothing. When you say, “Pass me the napkin,” your words sound tenderly and are pleasant to the ear, even if there is no “magic” word. The Director may try to copy your intonations, but the result will be inadequate. The phrase will sound either like a military command again, or a caricature.
Do not crumple the napkin requested by the Director to throw it in his face. He is not an Actor, and will never be one. Do not demand the impossible from him! You both have to adapt to each other.
Feelings of a loved one, unlike those of strangers, do matter to the Director — at least, those that he was able to notice. He will try to make you happy in what he considers important. For example, he may buy the furniture set that you liked, or repaint the house walls if you want another color.
But more often than naught, he himself knows what is best, and may ignore your requests. He will not change a chandelier if he believes that it fits in the living room perfectly. He will never put your piano in the living room if you are a doctor or a lawyer, and not a music teacher. The explanation will be simple: “I don’t wanna listen to ‘Chopsticks’ all day!”
It is impossible to compel the Director to do something against his will. If you persist, he will resist further, and you might have a row with him. Not understanding your logic, he can come to the conclusion that you are foolish. Does a foolish person have the right to give orders? Of course not. The Director will be firmly convinced that he has to make decisions himself without consulting you.
This man admires bright, strong-willed, successful, self-confident women, but wants you to be homely, modest, taciturn and obedient. It is hard to be all in one. Is it worth trying?
Yes, it is.
If you manage to adapt to the Director (and he to you), then you will feel as safe as houses with him.
He will make your home comfortable, good-looking and safe enough to endure any wind or earthquakes. He will keep the interior and exterior clean and in order, and expect the same actions from you.
You will develop a stable and trusting relationship. The fuss and turmoil of this world will be left out! Your marriage will resemble a large ocean liner, which confidently floats on the waves of life, overcoming any storms easily.
The only danger that could threaten it is a perfect calm. That is, a monotonous life that generates boredom. What if the Director wants to have a good time with other women?
Don’t worry: if you have coped with all the previous problems, you will find a solution to this one, too.
The Actor’s temperament type is choleric.
He is sure that the world was created just for one single purpose, to applaud his ingenious performance.
The Actor is energetic, active and optimistic. He is a holiday man!
Where can you meet such a wonder? Most likely, on a real holiday like a birthday party, an anniversary, or a wedding — at places where people come to relax, chat, and have fun.
How can you identify the Actor if everyone is trying to seem relaxed and witty? That’s easy! It is simply impossible to overlook him.
The Actor will certainly be in the spotlight. For example, he will perform the duties of a toastmaster or seize the initiative from the one who has already been appointed toastmaster — and he will do so naturally.
The Actor does not make any special efforts to stand out. He just can’t behave in a different way! Why?
A gathering of people activates his nervous system, causing a mental uplift close to euphoria. Every cell of his absorbs the energy of others, as if recharging from it.
Does that mean that the Actor is an energy vampire?
No! On the contrary, he is a donor! Amplifying the received impulses, he sends them back to people. He is not able to sit in a far corner and isolate himself from others. He wants to talk, to evoke smiles and laughter, and to surprise and delight everyone!
Alas, life consists not only of holidays. People spend much of their time at work, which also applies to the Actor. But he is unlikely to be found among employees of archives, libraries or account department — places where diligence and concentration are required. He is most likely a sales manager, guide, journalist or actor at a theater.
The Actor is attracted by novelties, so he rearranges his furniture every three months. Each time, he says this is the best positioning he has ever seen.
The Actor loves traveling. He will spare no time or effort if the adventure promises to be exciting. He will ride a quad bike through the swamps, climb a mountain, and fly a paraglider off a canyon. There are no spectators who would applaud him and shout “bravo,” but that is why he took a camera with him! As soon as he has access the Internet, everyone including friends, relatives and colleagues will see his adventures. The whole world will! “You are a hero!” his boss will say in surprise, before offering him a higher position.
That’s how the Actor thinks. And he is very surprised when his expectations are not fulfilled. He feels upset for a short time, but then finds a logical explanation: the swamps were not swampy enough, and the mountain should have been a little higher. Okay, next time he will choose a better route. Then everyone will be delighted for sure!
Money is not a top priority for the Actor. Most of all, he craves recognition and praise for what he does at work. He constantly struggles for quick development within the company, putting forward new ideas and fighting those who are lazy, incompetent or silly.
If his behavior suits his superiors, the Actor receives his portion of glory — most often, a very small one.
A boss’s condescending smile and an approving pat on the shoulder are enough for him. With that, he can move mountains!
But if the Actor’s activity inadvertently hampers the life of a key figure in an organization (usually the Scriptwriter or the Director), he gets into trouble. The superiors start finding faults with him and penalize him for trivial things, like arriving late for work by two minutes. Not understanding the root of the problem, the Actor tries to work even harder and prove his point in arguments with co-workers and supervisors, expressing a lot of emotions and straining his nerves. He does not notice that his initiatives only make the situation worse.
In the end, the Actor gets tired of the struggle. He leaves the job and enjoys the freedom. “Why did I suffer so long?” he thinks. “Why didn’t I quit this filthy office earlier? There are many others in the world where my talents will certainly be appreciated!”
The Actor can harbor such illusions for years until he realizes that the problem is within him. To others, he seems to be a boaster, a clown, an adventurer, a shallow person not adapted for life. His energy and enthusiasm are used by more balanced types as long as they benefit from him.
When the Actor realizes this fact, he has a chance to correct his behavior to finally find his permanent place in the sun.
How does the Actor develop relations with women? What can you expect from him?
His nature is exposed in this aspect of life, too. Unlike the Director, you will never get bored with him. He is able to accept your weirdest plan and begin to implement it immediately. For example, he will agree to travel three hundred miles right now to a pop star concert if this is your favorite pop star. He might not even like pop music, but he loves adventures! With the Director, the answer would be negative. He would say that he had completely different plans for the evening (like going to the gym or surfing the Internet at home) and you should have articulated your desire the day before yesterday, or even better last week so that he could estimate its worth and feasibility.
The Actor is good company. Unlike the Scriptwriter, he does not have encyclopedic knowledge, but all his stories are vivid, full of emotions and therefore memorable.
But he is not able to give out energy endlessly. Although his activity can last several hours in a row, fatigue and apathy inevitably come. The fireworks end. The Actor needs to lie down and sleep to regain vigor. He cannot live and work evenly like the Director or Scriptwriter. His nervous system is different.
At such a time, it is better to leave him alone. If you start telling him about your problems and he starts snoring, you need to check yourself to ensure you are not offended. His seeming disinterest is not his attitude towards you, but his physiology. Repeat your story again when he wakes up. You will get the emotional response you were counting on.
The Actor’s mood can change rapidly. He easily switches from thoughtfulness to activity, from nervousness to relaxation. He gets annoyed quickly, but just as quickly calms down. The most ordinary joke can cause him to burst out laughing (the Scriptwriter and Director would only smile in response, the first one more likely out of politeness).
The Actor strives to be a man of his word, but this does not always work. He truly believes in his promises the moment he gives them, but halfway, can be distracted. His attention switches to a new amazing object or event, and the promise completely slips from his mind.
For example, the Actor arrives home in the evening without having bought the shampoo and mosquito repellent you asked for that morning. This is not because he does not love you. He was distracted, that’s all!
But when he is ready, he will immediately turn around and rush in search of the thing you need. When he returns with the shampoo or repellent, he will expect praise from you. And he’ll be terribly offended if you don’t give it to him!
In general, praise is the main thing that he wants from you (apart from sex, of course). You can cook him a delicious dinner, wash his clothes, and wipe dust off of his computer, save him from mosquitoes… Everything will be wasted if you are not enthusiastic about his heroic deed — after all, he traveled to nine stores in no time and found “your shampoo” in the tenth one!
The Actor is not punctual. If he says, “Come outside, I’ll drive up in a minute,” do not rush. For him, a minute is a loose concept. His “minute” can last six seconds or a quarter of an hour. It is useless to make a fuss over this. He sincerely promises to “never be late again,” but quickly breaks his promise unintentionally. No doubt his reason will be compelling: “The bridge collapsed.” Or, “My boss called me up to his office.”
The Actor is able to arrive on time — for example, at work — if a registration terminal is installed at the entrance. But it is not easy for him. He puts on clothes in a hurry, drives a car violating traffic laws and gets into his office a second before being late. Needless to say, this can lead to his nervous exhaustion over time!
Since the Actor is always in a hurry, he has no time to put things in their place. Every morning he rushes about the house, opening all of the cabinets in search of his shirts and socks. The search is simplified by the fact that things fall out of there themselves, because the shelves are stuffed with random items! His money, keys, and driver’s license can also be anywhere — on the fridge, on a bathroom shelf, in the folds of the sofa.
Putting things in order demands great volitional effort on his part. His desire to tidy up the house can be caused by an emotional impulse with a vow he made to “stop this mess once and for all,” or by the news that some guests are coming around. However, the Actor is able to clean his entire home in five minutes to avoid shame and receive praise!!
To sum up, the Actor is unbalanced, boastful and disorderly, but at the same time energetic, optimistic and witty.
He would not succeed in remaking himself from the Actor into the Director or Scriptwriter even if he wanted to, as the role type is inherent nature from birth, but he can still correct and direct his behavior. Someone should explain to him why and how it should be done if he does not know himself.
The Spectator’s temperament type is melancholic.
It is the desire of the Spectator’s heart that good always conquer evil, and that the participants of the play that is life be fulfilled and happy.
Note that the Spectator wishes not only main characters of life receive their due, but that all of the actors, including secondary ones, get what they desire. As for negative characters, the Spectator does not feel hatred for them. He is eager to consider the motives of their actions, to feel sorry for them and forgive them, because they are not to blame for being mistaken.
To the Spectator, to “conquer evil” does not mean to “destroy,” but to “re-educate”. He is against violence in principle!
However, re-educating the Spectator himself (as well as any other adults) is not so simple. He has his own unshakable principles. The main one can be formulated as follows: “All people are good.” Therefore, according to his beliefs, help should be given to everyone that is in a difficult situation. It can be a close or distant relative, a friend, a random passerby, and even an enemy.
If the Spectator cannot help someone, for lack of power, resources or understanding of the situation, he feels the need to at least to show compassion, to cheer up, to comfort the poor person — essentially, to express his unconditional support.
The Spectator wants people’s faces to radiate joy and kindness. Therefore, he evaluates the success or failure of any business not so much by the final result as by the psychological state of its participants. Are they satisfied with what and how they did? Did they manage to get along with each other? Has their mood improved or worsened?
If someone was offended by the interaction, the Spectator considers his mission a failure.
For the Spectator, as well as for the Actor, emotions are more important than the matter. But, unlike the Actor, the Spectator does not seek to flaunt his personality and receive praise. He watches others and does everything in his power to make them happy. Achieving this goal, he feels fulfilled. That is all he needs!
The role played by the Spectator in life and the role of a spectator in a real theater are very similar. A good theater visitor is not only an observer, but also an active participant of the action. He or she supports actors with applause, laughs in response to jokes and cries during the most dramatic portions of the play. Sometimes (if asked), they may go on stage themselves and say a few words, or even define the plot development in a modern interactive performance!
The same applies to the Spectator’s role type, and his main objective is always the same: universal happiness.
How does the Spectator behave in real life? First of all, he tries not to cause inconvenience to anyone.
He drives a car carefully, following road signs and the speed limit. In public transport, he gives way to elders and children. In stores, he never goes to the cashier’s desk out of turn. He is used to saying “please” and “thank you,” and smiling at everyone.
The Spectator is a vulnerable person. If insulted (at a store, for example), he suffers deeply, although outwardly remains calm. The rude person is unlikely to even notice his suffering.
The Spectator never interrupts a person with whom he is having a conversation. If you tell him about your difficulties, he nods, asks relevant questions, expresses interest and sympathy. Going deeper into other people’s problems is his favorite pastime.
Have you been deceived, humiliated, robbed, or beaten? The Spectator will empathize with you! He will try to appease or calm you down — most likely, unsuccessfully, because he himself is upset no less than you (and sometimes even more).
The Spectator admits that good people can make mistakes, be subject to temptations, and lose self-control. That is, they become “evil” for a few minutes, days or even years. In this case, they should only be pitied as they will suffer themselves from remorse when they come to their “normal” state of being good. The Spectator believes in this concept with all his heart, and it is impossible to make him change his mind. In his opinion, while people are “evil,” one should stay away from them. He does not want to fight with them as it is too hard for him psychologically.
According to the Spectator, a person should strive to be better a “good” soul.
He wants to achieve peace without war.
Such an attitude is very useful for building relationships between a man and a woman.
The Spectator does not seek to subordinate you to his needs or to use brute force for any reasons. On the contrary, he tries to understand how you feel and what he should do to please you.
He is not good at analytics and lacks firmness. But do not call him a fool or a wimp. Insulting him will not make him more quick-witted or tougher, but will poison your relationship.
The Spectator is a pessimist by nature. Any obstacle may seem unconquerable to him. This also applies to love relationships. He can interpret your refusal to see him in the evening due to being busy as reluctance to see him at all. He won’t sleep all night thinking what is better — to offer a rendezvous again or shoot himself.
Facing unexpected harshness or rudeness, he is lost and upset, and cannot come to his senses for a long time after that. He may refuse further meetings at all without trying to sort out the relationship.
Don’t push him too hard! Even if he is of a gigantic height and has a low hoarse voice, remember: his soul is vulnerable. He can easily lift a heavy barbell above his head, but a mild rebuke can crush him morally.
The Spectator is a perfect family man. His wife and children are the most important people to him along with his parents, and caring for them is the meaning of his existence. He can spend most of his income on his family, leaving the bare minimum to himself.
He does not like to accept gifts, but loves to make them. If you like his gift, he is happy; if not, he feels guilty: “I should have selected something better.”
In which areas of activity can the Spectator succeed, and in which can he not?
He should not be a hotel receptionist, a sales or personnel manager, an interpreter, a journalist, or an event manager. Professions where one needs to communicate with a lot of strangers are definitely not right for him.
His advantages are sensitivity, power of observation, and attention to detail.
If the Spectator realizes this, he is able to achieve a lot — for example, to become famous as a writer, artist or designer, because he deeply feels the world’s beauty and the importance of personal relationships. He can also make an excellent programmer, accountant, architect, translator, mechanic, geologist. That is, a specialist whose work is associated with processing of materials, texts or virtual data.
In his free time, he walks with his children, cooks, cleans the house, and travels with his family to the countryside. He does everything possible to please his loved ones, and is deeply worried if his wife or child is unhappy about something.
If his spouse earns quite a lot or there are sources of passive income (leased real estate, stock dividends), the Spectator can fully devote himself to the family. There are more important things to him than a career. He could even leave a high position without regret in order to communicate more with his children! He will help them with history, mathematics, foreign languages, sports, and eventually prepare them for university exams.
But if there is no one in the family to take care of (the children have grown up, his wife is immersed in work), he can find something to do elsewhere. For example, he can help a divorced female neighbor with apartment renovation, a colleague with writing a master’s thesis, or a former classmate in her fight against depression. He might also be asked for “help” in the sexual sphere, and it’s hard to say if he will be able to say no. He needs smiles and thanks, not tears and curses! So he might “give help” to everyone around until he runs into problems, and one day ask himself with sincere surprise, “Why do both my wife and lover hate me”?
But this is an extreme case.
Most often, the Spectator remains faithful and values his marriage.
It is difficult for him to meet and become intimate with a woman and even more difficult to leave her.
He is shy, vulnerable, and subject to stress. He constantly needs your support and praise!
If he is confident that you love him, the return can be amazing. He will do anything for you — work tirelessly, patiently listen to your complaints and fulfill your desires. The main thing that he needs for success is a reliable partner, as he is afraid of failure.
Demonstrate that you believe in him. But first, believe in him.
Chapter 3: What role type is your man?
Let us get back to the question posed at the end of the first chapter: how to understand what role type your man is.
To find the answer, the first thing you need to do is to observe and analyze.
How does your man behave on the street, in public transport, at a restaurant, with his friends, with strangers, and with your parents?
Does he talk much or prefer to listen to others?
Does he laugh loudly and openly, or smile slightly?
Is he an active or a passive person?
Does he prefer mental or physical work?
What does he do more often, execute commands or give commands?
Is he accurate, punctual, reliable, serious, witty, polite, and tidy — or is it the other way around?
A portrait is composed of many pieces. It will likely take a long time to collect them all. One evening is not enough to understand what kind of a person your man is.
Today, the man can talk endlessly, but tomorrow will stay silent all day long. Or, he may behave calmly for a week, and then suddenly become enraged for no good reason. Or, he will work tirelessly, then slouch about with his hands in his pockets. One date he may shower you with compliments, then the next day be childish and rude like a teenager.
Do you understand what drives him? Can you guess what he feels? Are you able to predict his behavior at least remotely?
Watch him for as long as possible before trying to answer the question as to what role type he is. The more accurate the answer, the easier it is to build the relationship!
Let us recall who is who:
— the Scriptwriter ponders everything in the world and creates something useful;
— the Director controls people and manages various processes;
— the Actor shows himself off and longs for recognition;
— the Spectator feels for and helps others, not demanding anything in return.
However, not everyone fits perfectly into one role type. It happens sometimes that one personality may seem to be a combination of two.
For example, the same man can be tough, controlling and faultfinding at work, like the Director, but sensitive and caring at home, which is characteristic of the Spectator.
Or he can be vociferous, friendly and joyful at a party, like the Actor, but thoughtful and logical on the computer, like the Scriptwriter.
What type is he then?
We could simply create a new one and give it a name. Take, for example, one of the most typical features of the Director — the desire and ability to control people and processes. Add sociability, the trait characteristic of the Actor. What type do we get? Perhaps a ticket distributor? This role type could be named the Cashier — not an ordinary theater cashier but an artistic person who could enter a pub with a bundle of tickets in his hands and shout, “Ladies and gentlemen, get tickets, not beer! Hurry up while I am here!” What is more, he would actually be able to sell some tickets thanks to his Actor’s charisma. At the same time, he would definitely count the money properly and quickly, keeping in mind the number of tickets sold and remaining, which is usually the Director’s ability.
But there are many combinations of personal features. And the more types of people there are, the more difficult it is to sort them out.
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung identified eight psychological types. To determine a type according to Jung, a special examination must be carried out using a test and a questionnaire.
The Myers-Briggs personality typology, which was based on Jung’s ideas, has sixteen types. The corresponding test is carried out at some companies to separate employees into types and assign them appropriate responsibilities.
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