для читателей старше 18 лет
Every minute a human fights for his survival. Every day a human is forced to do something for feeding, clothing, taking care of himself and his family members. But if a human stops and does not eat, drink, sew clothes, build a house, does not go to work, then he will just freeze to death or die of hunger and thirst. One lives in a village, other lives in a city, but both have to make an effort.
My name is Elena. I am 16 years old. My life is this very book which will be written throughout my life.
I was born with a dual nature, like all the other people. There is good and evil inside me. There are certain advantages, qualities and traits of character, as well as there are big and small drawbacks inside me. And what is more, with a mighty heave I want to find the truth, because I often look at the sky and feel someone’s love and attraction. But very often I feel heartfelt anger and resentment toward other people for unfair treatment to me.
I did not like the evil half of me at all. I had a touchy temper and I really hated when someone looked unkindly at me and said something contrary to me. When someone told me something offensive, I was very much offended, and could be angry at a person for weeks, and then I could just reject that person in my mind forever. And in this case my heart always said, “Get out of my sight and never appear in my life again! You are nobody for me. Do not ever call me or write to me! I do not want to know you anymore!!!”
I wanted to have someone to love me very much, but my parents could not give me the love that would soothe and satisfy me. My mother often told me: “Elena! Don’t we love you? Just look, how we take care of you. Father and I go to work to feed you and buy clothes to you, and you’re still not satisfied. A human should be happy with what he has! Is it clear, Elena?”
For several thousands of years many people in many countries have been dying of hunger, wars and epidemics. Recently I have been dying too, but I have not been dying because of these things, I have been dying because of hateful insults living inside me, as well as pride and the rest of the evil malware. I wanted to get rid of all this growing evil living inside me, but some people would not let me do it. I wanted to love and have inner peace and quiet, but again and again someone offended me, and then for a few days or even for months my interior filled with bitter grumpy proud to my oppressors.
In my thoughts I sawed in half each my abuser, beat him or her with a hammer, or just miscalled them in my mind. Hatred and resentment took me away from love, and I just did not want to live like that anymore. This evil had no limit. I could strongly offend everybody and say whatever I want in response. I could say absolutely hated insult to everyone. Of course, these little resentments helped me to shape not very good temper. There were no borders in my heart. Any rule or boundary began to irritate and annoy me, and I did not feel completely free. Soon I began to lash out at my mother with various scathing words and even composed whole scathing sentences towards her, which brought her to frenzy. My mother sat down on the bed, sighed heavily and took a glass of water with some drops with trembled hands. When my cries had gone too far and my mother’s words again and again turned me on, my heart began to experience the pleasure of a new feeling for me. I got some pleasure from the fact that my mother began to suffer. Seeing her suffering, I was turning into a real minor sadist and continued to add fuel to the fire. Then, without asking her forgiveness, I just went to bed quietly.
I could not stop the process that was going on inside me. A neighbor, who lived above us, once told me a few words, for which I became very angry with him. “Elena, why are you so rude with your mother?” he asked. But my heart hardened, and I said: “Do not poke your nose where it should not be! Who are you to teach me?” He replied in a calm manner: “I’ll pray for you, Elena”. But I whipped out a reply: “You do not need to pray for me. Pray for yourself!”
A little bit later there was no space for something good in my heart, and I felt like some evil spirit had settled in my head. Bad thoughts, anger, rage, resentment, screaming, desire for revenge, pride, irascibility, no abstinence, very bad mood and excessively pressing suspicious depression filled my heart to overflowing and obscured my mind.
My neighbor, who rebuked me, believed in God and several times talked to me about sins. He told me also that God is very merciful, but does not like sins. He said that God wants me to live properly that is without sins and with love, and told me to make it a rule to go to a church. This man once sat on a bench and read the Bible. His kind face and kind eyes, for some reason, irritated me very much. I felt some rejection to him, so, I did not like him terribly because of the fact that he had not a drop of evil in himself. It looked like he was not very cool. I did not love him because he pointed out how I should live. But still, when someone did something wrong to me, deep inside of my heart I imagined that I sit with him on the bench and feel his loving eyes and imagine how he console me when I feel bad. When I calmed down, the man began to irritate me again like no other.
Once I met him in the entrance and I said to him with anger: “Love does not exist. Why do you always take your bible with you and teach everybody how to live?! It would be better if you take the matter in hand!” He nodded, but did not answer. When I went to bed, some suspicious remorse used to came into my heart. As if some kind of mind said to me, regretting the incident: “Why did you hurt this good man?” Incriminating torments increased, and I decided to go to this man tomorrow and apologize. But when I woke up early in the morning I was shy to go to him and I thought: “Maybe it is not necessary to go, I just will not hurt him anymore.”
Good and evil fought inside me, and I did not understand what was going on. Hundreds of thousands different thoughts and desires lived inside me and dictated the opposite. It seemed that I could not be able to cope with it, since evil picture was drawn more detailed than the kind one. Even concerning my neighbor I have developed a wicked way of thinking, which told me: “Do you think that that person can be loved? Don’t you know that there is no man in the world whom you can trust, because perfect people do not exist actually? No one can be loved. All the people are very bad. It is just enough to offend some person, and he or she will show his or her real nature. Therefore, there is no good and love in the world …!” Millions of thoughts in my head tried to create a particular image in my mind. The first image was an ideal good man. But the second image instilled that I would wallow in evil forever, because evil is my close relative.
My evil mind told me: “Your neighbor is just an extremely boring character. Your girlfriends with evil minds are how much better. You will never be bored with them. Live as you live, without changes. Otherwise you may become like this unusual man who just reads his Bible and prays to his God. If you remember, you always agonized over rules and boundaries. Do you want to suffer from some rules and commandments of invisible God? After all, it is easy to become hysterical, irritated and angry with the people when they ill-use with you. You love evil which is your closest relative and friend. Why should you sit down on a bench to your neighbor, who is actually very boring? And if you offend him, what would he do then? He would just stand silently like not a real man. You have seen how humbly he swallowed your offense, not answering anything to you. Is it attractive? You should understand a very important thing. You should not humbly take offense. In the eyes of your friends and other people you will look like a nincompoop. Do you remember how your girlfriend attacked her verbal abuser with fists? Now nobody can say her anything. You should behave similarly till the end of your days, and you should know that all the people are very mean and no one can be loved. Just know it hard. You need to think only about yourself in this world. Man is a wolf to man, and not only the wolf, but the terrible wild animal.
Time rapidly passed by and every time I met him I still looked at my neighbor evilly and mumbled greetings to him with a malicious smile. Many people told me that I was bold and evil. But I did not understand them, because it seemed to me that I was a good girl, even despite the sensitive and vicious state of my heart. But for the other people it was obvious that periodically came out of my mouth.
Having lived like that for a few years, I got tired of all this inner evil and I hated all this evil and once again said to myself: “I cannot live like this anymore! I want only peace and good. I’m tired of suffering from the evil that lives inside me. My love should conquer and survive among all existing evil and start a new, pure, bright life, because evil never brings anything good. Evil brings the most terrible suffering to everyone. Evil has always been evil. I do not want to do any harm to anybody. I also do not want other people to do something evil to me. If a human learns the science of survival in this world, for me it’s time to master the science of love, and the science of evil will be left behind forever. I will fight for love! I really want to love and be loved!!! “After these words I began my journey to love. I joined the fight for the sake of love. But, of course, when all the evil forces of the universe found out about it, they started to fuss and tried to get me back into my former state, because now I like me much more than I was before. For several years I was the embodiment of their evil dream. But I must cope with evil and must win.
I really wanted to love. Many people I know were defeated in the battle for love. But can I win this battle?
What is there in the wish list of many people? There is everything that a human usually wants, namely: beautiful and expensive cars, money, houses, apartments, business, health, fame, beautiful face and body, a desire to go or not to go to work, a desire to go abroad, a desire of peace, a desire to have a child and many other different desires.
My friends once wrote for me about their desires on sheets of paper. Their wish lists had all the expected desires except the only one. None of them wrote about the desire to love other people, to accept and love them as they are. Some of them wrote that they want to be loved, appreciated and protected. But, unfortunately, no one wrote or said such words: “I do not want to hate all people or be indifferent to my children, husband, wife, father, mother, friends and all other people. On the contrary, I want to feel strong but tender and sweet love for them. I do not want them to love me without reciprocity. I want to love them very much, even if they do something bad to me or say something insulting. I want to have a constant, tender and strong love in my heart. I want to love all people very gently and strongly.”
But, alas, this was not written. Maybe my friends forgot about such a feeling as love. Or maybe they just do not need it. Or maybe they have never met with it before. Why is it so?
Very often people are simply ashamed of this most true holy love. Very often love is hampered by pride, hatred, resentment and irritation. Sometimes people come up with different reasons for loving nobody on the earth. And who can answer the question: “what is love”?
I remember the words of my friend, who told me once: “Yes, Elena! You’re right! We should love all the people, especially our close relatives. I realized that when I buried my mother. Then, standing at her coffin, I realized that I did not love her as I should have to do. I remembered all the offences that I caused. And I was very sorry. I wanted to erase all the pain and not to remember the mother’s tears because of my cruelty, stiffness, stupidity and because of my insulting words that constantly came to her like a bird that crashed slap-bang into the window. I would like to see her alive now, I would like to come to my mother and present her something, embrace her, apologize and say that I love her very much. But, unfortunately, you can neither turn the time back and nor correct anything. My brother also wept bitterly at the funeral, and afterward he remembered how much he had offended our mother. He paid attention to one incident when he brought our mother to an infraction, telling her one insulting word. After the funeral, he said: “Mom loved me, took care for me, raised, worried about me, and what have I done? I was rude to her constantly. I promised that I would not do like that, but the only things I gave her were insults, quarrels, anger and proud smirks. Forgive me, my mother!“He stood at her grave and asked for her forgiveness, but our mother did not hear him. For some reason, he could not ask forgiveness when our mother was alive, but standing at the grave, he cried and remembered all the pain that he had brought to her and greatly regretted about it. He regretted that he could not turn the time back to ask her forgiveness and say how much he loved her. After the funeral, he even changed for the better. But, of course, my brother does not hesitate to tell me the same offensive words that he told our mother. At the funeral I also remembered all the resentments that I inflicted to other people. I remembered how I offended my classmates, neighbors, random passers-by, colleagues, and also I remembered how I offended with various ridicule and different words the guests which came to us from another country, until one of their Asiatic brethren drove away a very evil dog that attacked my brother on the street. Only after that I calmed down a little. I used to think that I did the right thing, but now I realized that I was deeply mistaken. I lived my life improperly. My mother did not say about me: “What a lovely, kind, sweet, loving daughter.” Neither could I say about my mother. That’s how we lived our lives without love. It’s a great pity that I offended my mother.”
This is the story told to me by my old friend about her family. She told me that she and her brother regretted that they had offended their mother and had not told her how much they loved her. My friend told me that she insulted her mother the same way that her brother offended her. But in order to offend someone, you should first let in your heart some kind of malice and after that pour out the evil resentment to your near and dear. I do not know what kind of relationship she has with her husband, but I know that my friend, like her brother, has no love to people. Even while a conversation with me she switched to condemning her brother, exposing herself smarter than he. It would not hurt if she starts with herself. After all, if someone asks her about good and love, then what can she attach to her good report? Sinful words against her mother, slanting evil looks or something else? What will she attach to her life?
After the death of her mother she, of course, regretted that she could not give her that true love, but she continued to treat her brother and husband just as she treated her mother. She did not take any lessons from her mother’s funeral. Only for a few days my friend has been a little bit different. She shut her screaming mouth for a few days and reduced her tone to a minimum, because it’s not proper to swear and change the tone right after such an event as a funeral.
My old friend saw only flaws in her brother, in her husband, and in the people around her. She absolutely did not want to and did not know how to find and see the good in a person. Very soon she forgot about good deals that people have done for her, and always focused only on the worst things that lived in other people. To be honest, she lost interest in communicating with me, after I stopped listening to her evil gossips and speculations about other people. Once, on her wicked and hateful talk about our acquaintances I replied: “Well, why are you so harsh with them? Maybe it’s worth seeing them as good ones, and those things that you are talking about can be left in the past, and you will never touch them again. Maybe we will talk about something good?”
She did not expect at all to hear such words. She looked at me with her angry eyes and after a few minutes she went home, trying her best to show me how she did not like my words. Of course, this was not the only time when she behaved quite differently from what love demands. Sometimes it was possible to expect surprises from her which are worse. So, once again, when I met her, I just listened to how she blames her brother in everything, says that he does not know how to love his wife, how she says that her husband does not know how to love her, and how she calls all the people stupid and humiliated them. But if she knew how to love, her words and deeds regarding me, her brother, her husband, her mother and other people would be the opposite. It is not right to throw stones in other people when you live in a glass house. My friend needed love. She liked people who could show love for others. She liked people who had love in them. My friend was a double-minded person. She dreamed of love, but when someone insulted her, she began to curse the person who insulted her and was like the most evil person on earth. She was in this malign state, which intensified after every next insult she said, like me, some time ago.
After communicating with her, the image of evil thoughts told me: “This is a normal reaction to an insult. Many people can share this point of view with her. People insult and humiliate, and this is just your normal reaction. For example, her mother, just look at her and ask herself: ‘How can you ever love such mothers who offend their children with the sarcastic words and just unbearably irritate them with their grumbling?’ Their mother was not perfect, so they could not love her. Their mother was like your mother. She, like your mother, forced them to do something about the house and did not allow them much and interfered into their lives. So outbursts of anger and murmur are quite normal. How else to react to maternal injustice, grumble and endless breathing down your neck? And anyway, aren’t you interested in talking to this girl, who is called your friend, about other people? Don’t you feel how you wish to be sweetly exalted and condemn some friend or person you do not know angrily smirking at the same time? After all, this is the only enjoy for many people. And is there something else to please your soul?! It is impossible to eradicate this desire as well as to close your malicious outraged mouth forever in order not to insult anyone. It’s like trying to overcome gravitation by your own forces!!!”
But after a while the image of kind thoughts, like the voice of love, told me: “These are your own mothers who constantly take care about both of you.” Why should they be offended?! Remember how they did not sleep with you at nights, how they cared and protected you. They are your own beloved mothers. And with your love you can heal your friend. In your friend’s heart there is still a proud condemnation, discontent, anger instead of love, and at any conversation she always wishes to condemn someone and look brainy. But you should love her very much, heal her with your love and she will become completely different.”
Now I’m not married yet. But I yearn to meet a man who has love in himself. Our mistake is that we are not the first to show love but we expect it from others forgetting that by showing love we can heal people by our deed or word. Giving this love to another person we only awaken him from sleep and fill his heart with love. In recent years I’ve thought a lot about love, good, mercy and evil. I had thousands of questions that I would like to receive answers to. But two questions bothered me most. “Why can I love and then hate one and the same person? Why don’t many people want to love me first? “But if a lot of people do not want to love me first or do not want to love me the way I am, will I really suffer from it and inspire myself with hatred, anger, resentment or something else? If they influence me, it will not be love anymore. From whom should this love come when two people meet each other? If for example my future husband does not have this love in himself but only will do something to please me for a while of course, I will find out it immediately in a very short time. A person can say that he loves someone, you know. He can also suggest that other people should love each other but it is quite possible that he doesn’t have this love in himself, may not wish to acquire it for himself, may not have patience, humility and love but only a flurry of grievances, aching grudge, anger, pride and discontent. But if it is so, I will try to give him love anyway. After all, how many times I had to see how young couples without ending the squabble and on the contrary, adding fresh fuel to a quarrel, said insane things and then they simply regretted about it. I did not want to be like them. I needed love, and I wanted to have love in myself. But if, as I have already said several times before, someone said something insulting to me, then I like a balloon inflated by air filled with insulting hatred, covetousness and cruel anger. I clenched my fists and just imagined how I smothered my abuser. And again for several weeks I couldn’t cope with it. The evil mind told me: “How can you love people who abase you?! How can you?! They walk all over you and they are worth being hated with fierce hat red. They are worth being tormented and torn into pieces in your heart. When you are offended again you without any hesitation say to your heart: “Oh, they are not good! But now I’ll tell them in return!!! Now I will revenge them…". Insulted anger is always on the tip of one’s tongue. It wanted to hurt my nearest and dearest and did not want to spare anybody. A lot of people who saw me in this state said that I was a very wicked girl… I was especially angry with my neighbors who seemed to be different. But always after my spiteful words I tried somehow to justify myself telling everyone that I was simply very much offended, hurt, gone into personals and angered. But one day I finally realized that offence was not guilty for my attitude towards people, but I was guilty myself, because it was I who let out all the evil that lives in me.
When I multiplied violent speeches, multiplied condemnation and murmur my heart began to fill with anger and darkness. But how can we get out of the dark if in this life we are constantly offended, hated or simply rejected by someone?
How can we learn to love? Many people neglect this feeling and do not want to love or do not believe in love, saying that everyone is looking for only a profit in this life. Some people arrogantly make fun of the word “love” as several years ago I used to do. But after a few years, I grew up a bit, stopped joking with life and began to perceive reality adequately, where every word, every thought and deed determines who you really are, determine your future destiny in this and in the next life. So, I began my way to love.
There was one family living next door. It looked unremarkable, but it was for those who did not know them. I remember when they were not married yet, her current husband paid his addresses to my neighbor. After a while, they arranged a wedding, and I saw the joy and the love that shone on their faces. Natasha, that was her name, was very kind and good, and her kindness and sincerity set her apart from most girls. She found a kind word for each person and she was ready to provide the necessary assistance at any moment. She knew how to love and treat with mercy to people around her. But Natasha was not happy with her husband for a long time. She did not know what evil and what hatred were. Subsequently, all this evil originated in her husband. And all this gradually grown evil was imperceptible. He let it into his heart by himself. At first, I noticed that my friend’s husband had no love for his child. He almost never talked with his son. He only spoke to him occasionally so as to make the other people think that he was a loving father. He never looked cherishingly into the eyes of his son, never hugged him and never smiled to him. When I saw his son looking at his father with anticipation of holy love, my heart suffered. I realized that my mother, father and other people like this child expect only love from me. But every time I looked at my father, I also realized that it’s not easy and even hard to love some people. Many people languish for love, but they do not want to give up their sinful habits and deeds.
Once I saw from the window of my house how the father of this little child ran to his two-year-old son, grabbed him by the collar, lifted him up a little, squeezed his throat and gave him a spanking. The baby’s body flew from every father’s spank, almost a meter ahead and a little bit upward. I did not hear the cries of the baby, although my window was slightly ajar. He could not scream for one simple reason — his throat was squeezed. Only after his father blew up at his son, he was able to let him go. Baby fell to the ground and through tears and cough tried to catch his breath. I was shocked. Everything happened so quickly that I did not even have time to shout something out of the window. Or maybe I could not cry out something because my heart just caught a shock. I remember when I was bitten by a dog, and I could not move my foot, because a wave passed from my leg led to the numbness of the whole body. When the kid rose from the ground rapidly breathing and chocking with tears, he ran to his father and hugged him. But his dad just pretended that he was pitiful to his son. The little boy had no one else to run after love and cure the physical pain, so he ran to his father to be pitied.
In a few seconds I realized why my cheerful neighbor had not been shining brightly with joy for the last few years. I thought that there was another reason. I thought that she had become a serious, caring, silent married woman, but I was wrong. Her marriage turned into a very intense suffering and experience. A couple of minutes later I ran out into the yard and approaching this man, said: “What are you doing, you almost strangled your son! Are you able to beat your children?!” When I said this, tears flowed from my eyes and my hands trembled violently. His son looked back at me and tried to hide from me somewhere deeper into father’s arms, thinking that now I would strangle and beat his father. He loved father very much and he wanted him to be pitied. But his father was only angry and annoyed.
His father answered: “I told him not to play near the puddle! And generally, what do you need? Who are you? This is my son, and I will deal with him by myself! And don’t poke your way into my business. Do not teach me how to live.”
There was no love for people in this man. His son just fell into a puddle, and the evil father nearly killed his son for it. If I continued bicker fest with him and would say: “You squeezed your son’s throat and he had nothing to breathe, you could kill him, he hardly breathed, and still stammers very much,” I hardly could hear an excuse in response, because there was no love and intelligence in the eyes of this man, but there was some kind of discontent and anger. He did not know what an apology and forgiveness were. He could not do it. Therefore, I went to my home with great sadness, pity and love for this child and his mother. Looking on the behavior of his son I realized that this beating was not at all like cultivation of personality and it was not for the first time as well.
In the evening I told this to the baby’s mother. I heard in response: “Thank you.” Afterwards the door was closed right in front of my face. Her husband was sick with anger, great irritation, hatred, psychosis, heart blindness and frivolity. When I looked into his eyes, I was very scared for a few seconds. I understood that this false and unacceptable “cultivation of personality” happened not for the first time. Natalia knew about father’s attitude to the child, and because of this she had a constant depressed state. The further history of this family is not known to me, since after a while my family and I left this small suburb and moved to a big city.
The evil mind constantly told me: “Look at this father and all the men and understand that they were always the same. Men are not like you. Here is the best example of an insane father. Although your father is much worse than the one who suffocates his children. He, like your father, just never had a mind. After all, it is not necessary to be a genius to think that a little child does not have an iron neck. All men always lacked of mind. They do not know how to get into problems like women. And all the women themselves are just like some zombies, who always regret someone and love immensely, but as soon as somebody steps on toes, they are ready just to eat their offender. So it is not necessary to love people who just do not deserve to be loved. Loving people is a bad idea. This is the real torture…”
All these thoughts are just one of a thousand images of the evil thoughts that dwell in my head. But it is not only these false ideas that do not have logic, which try to deprive me of love, but hatred, pride, resentment, suspiciousness, fears, inexperience, stupidity and many other things, fight against me. But I know that people regret that they hated their near and dear people and strangers, and also regret that they did something evil to them. But if a person regrets about all that bad things, then why should we speak or do something bad throughout our life? Sooner or later every evil word, every evil glance, every rejection, every evil feeling and thought comes back to one’s memory. People regret that they did not love their near and dear. The logic is simple: you must renounce all evil and stick only to the good.
I know that some people who have lost their loved ones are ashamed of the people present at the funeral because they were completely wrong with their loved ones. But such a person hopes that other people will not understand this shame or will think that he loved his near and dear. People can feel this shame only for a few hours. Someone can regret about it for a few weeks, someone may suffer for several months or years, but someone can say: “I do not regret at all because I loved my near and dear very much and never offended him. I’m happy that I gave him only strong love. I’m happy with love. It is truth and light. Man left us rich and full of our love. He was really happy.”
It is also surprising that some people can feel shame or embarrassment for all their lives not for lack of love, but vice versa for love. Such a man boasts with everything but not with love. Such a person says: “Look, I’m so smart, strong, beautiful, rich and so on.” But you will not hear from such a person such words as: “I am happy that I love. Look! I can teach you how to love! My life is filled with love! I love and I’m happy!!! “But some people, for some reason, never said such words in their lives neither aloud, nor deep inside in their hearts.
Of course, not all people live their lives without love. There are people who understand what life and love is, and what life is for love and vice versa. But indifference, anger, selfishness, resentment, curses and insults, rage, irritation, psychosis and much more unnecessary evil change take place in a person who does not have love inside. All this evil is struggling to supersede love, which is the basis of everything that exists around.
Many people, including that very friend of mine, want to turn back time to correct what was done or said, and also want to do something they have never did before. They also want a person to come to life even for a minute, to say how much they love him.
But lost time is never found again, so it is needed to love constantly. A person who has a desire to love has every chance to give this love to other people, since life is not some kind of joke. If someone thinks that it’s possible to joke with life, then he is very deeply mistaken. There is no place for frivolity in life.
If you take someone’s life and stretch it, for example, for sixty years, then by what formula would each person live this life? Someone’s formula for life can look like this: “Pride + anger + insulting humiliating words + irritation + quarrels + cries + slander + deception + curses + violence + revenge + unforgiveness + insolent ridicule + lies for benefits + the rest multiple madness = a bad and unloving person. “And only the last few minutes of this formula people can give to that very love that they probably never knew before. Such people regret that they spent their entire lives without love and did not like other people. Why did a man who had been living for sixty years never think about love? Maybe someone would like to love, but simply ashamed of this love and could not just look cherishingly in somebody’s eyes or could not move beyond his pride, waiting for the first step from the other person. But where does the embarrassment or pride go when a gravely ill person, dying in his bed, does not hesitate to say to his children and his wife such words: “Forgive me for being so mean to you. I love you very much.” Where does the shame and pride of man disappear? But if a person simply loved other people, he would simply endlessly enjoy his love which comes from his heart. And of course this love would be enjoyed by all the people around him! The question arises: “Who creates a love formula that does not have love?” Of course, it is created by the person himself. But an intelligent person does not create a formula of evil and does not yield to it. A clever person creates a formula with love.
Evil and stupidity go together, just like love and mind always hold hands and do not let each other go even for a second.
Many people want to have this love and peace. And such people can deprive themselves and other people of love because of the simple fear of getting reproach or ridicule. Or they just close this love in themselves because of fear of being inflicted by other people, any violence or humiliating proud offenses. Or a person is simply afraid that he will be called a kind handicraft teacher from a good children’s fairy tale, and they will not respect him for his good deeds, merciful love and a kind heart. And how can it look like? Just like that:
A friend of mine married a former prisoner. His problem was that he ceased to open his heart to people and stopped talking and smiling with others. He simply closed his heart and turned-on some kind of protection, because of what he saw and tested on him before. I asked him: “Why do you always walk with an angry face and don’t smile to people, don’t greet them with love? When you get to know a new person, it seems that you see an enemy soldier in him/her. You try to find out and finally find only bad qualities in him/her, and then you stand and chew over all of the evil human psychology and nature. And you are not an angry or irritable person, but there is just a frightening mask on your face!” Of course my question alerted him and forced him to shrink into himself. He did not answer my question, because his slanting arrogant proud look gave me an answer instead of him. The following thoughts ran through his head: “What do you know and what do you see?” There was nothing more in his head, because he could not have any more thoughts. He did not answer my question. He was worried if he tells us the reason for putting an angry mask on his face, then we can see his kindness and jump on him like on a donkey and use his kindness and we will rant: “It is prohibited to be kind in this world. Man is a wolf to man.”
He thought that kindness was a shame. He thought that good is a weakness. He thought that his wife and I would inflict evil blows to his kind soul. His gaze was similar to a security guard’s one, and there was written on his face: “Do not come to me and do not say or do anything to me, otherwise you might be as good as dead.” One day he told our young company the following: “People are like dogs! When you show pity and good to them, they grow insolent and walk over, regarding pity and good as weakness. So in my world there is no place for good or pity. Yes! Yes! Like dogs! The first who will restrain the others is the leader! Yes! And here’s another thing! You guys leave your friendly hugs! I embrace only girls! Here is my territory! Keep away from me at arm’s length!”
The environment in which he grew up, as well as many years of imprisonment still took their toll. He did not have the core of love inside, mind and inner strength, so he broke down mentally. His love was hacked. It was beaten many times, and it could not stand these blows. Of course, his love had to be like a concrete wall, and not be like a blotter. But before he got to prison he did not have this concrete wall, because making a robbery attack on another person, he did not even have a blotter. He absolutely did not care what could happen to the person he gave a thump on the head and from whom he picked out his bag and purse..
His wife told me that he could not confide in her. He worries that she will strike at his weak spots, as people in his former country did, and how people who were with him in places of detention did. Therefore, when he went out into the street, he frowned and gave an imitation of an evil animal’s frightening look. But imitating an angry frightening look, he only hurt everyone around him, carrying evil in his eyes, and was also tired of playing this evil role. But the actors who play the villains and show that evil is always wrong, that evil always loses and is unacceptable in the life of every person, they get paid and bring the money to their family, pleasing their relatives with love and prosperity. But the evil deterrent and killing love glance does not bring money, sense, goodness, and love in the real life. Evil disfigures a person and deprives him of pleasure and enjoyment from pure love. But it is interesting to note that he did not have good friends. All his friends were evil. I do not even want to remember the day when he introduced us to some of his friends. It was strange that he unclosed to his friends and trusted them more than us and all other kind people. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Perhaps, his words which were said once have no explanation too: “I’ve seen a lot in this life, you’ll never understand this”. When he pronounced these words, he felt like some kind of cool person who saw and felt something that others never even felt before. Probably, the person to whom he gave a thump on the head while committing a robbery attack also now tells how he was robbed and tells his friends that they did not even dream about it.