Бесплатный фрагмент - The Lighthouse of the Lost Hope

The Lighthouse of the Lost

Hope

Neurotic`s Confession

Dedicated to the memory of My Beloved Grandmother, Lydia Nikolayevna.

God has given me the extraordinary gift of making me your granddaughter. Thank you for choosing me to be the center of your life. Thank you for being one with me. My soul, my angel, my pain… You will always remain in my heart. Your love helped me realize my deepest dreams. And I know you`re very proud of me now.

PROLOGUE

Lying on the floor, I realized that I was slowly losing my mind. Firstly, it felt like I was falling somewhere, hurtling downwards at a speed I could not stop. After that I stopped feeling my fingers and toes, followed by a numbing sensation in my lips.

In an attempt to scream, I could not make a sound. The moment I was in a state of fear, every cell in my body was paralyzed and unable to move, causing me to be in a constant state of stupor. Everything was floating in my eyes and I could not distinguish interior objects. My consciousness was lost and could not find the right direction, completely ignoring reality.

Cold sweat poured down my body, and I felt shivering as if I had a fever. My throat was dry, and my breathing became labored. My chest got unbearably constricted, and my heart pounded so hard that it seemed as if it would soon stop.

In this frantic confusion I suddenly thought that perhaps my life was coming to an end. With each passing moment I found it more and more difficult to breathe, each new breath was much heavier than the last. It seemed as if my lungs were refusing to serve. I tried to take the deepest breath I could in attempt to fill the space, but the air was compressed, and that only added to my anxiety.

It felt as though my body belonged to someone else. I wanted to get up and crawl to the phone. There was nowhere to wait for assistance, and I was unable to move at all. “Oh my God, is this the end?!”

I caved into panic even more as I descended farther and farther into this horrible chasm. There was nothing left to fight against. When I could no longer contain myself, I made the decision to give up.

CHAPTER 1: THE BEGINNING OF THE END

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave” Mo Willems

I could not even believe that this moment came because I had been waiting for it for a very long time.

My coworkers noted that I was in a great mood when I arrived at the office in the morning.

“Alisa, you are just radiant!”, grinned Marina from the legal department.

I managed public relations for an international consulting firm. My job did not allow any routine, and I saw this as its primary benefit. There was never a quiet moment at work thanks to many events, business travels, interactions with media, never-ending press conferences, meetings with possible clients, and a bustling social life. After observing my accomplishments, my supervisor assured me that I would soon be promoted. My career in general was progressing and it encouraged me to pursue my goals.

After finishing my coffee and organizing my mail, I made my way to the office with the sign, “Nikita Vladimirovich Serebrov, Project Manager’.

We had had our office romance for about four years. We were going on a long-awaited romantic trip in a few days, so I spent the entire day browsing Greece tour packages, looking forward to the best two weeks in my life. Nothing could sap my enjoyment but the fact that he was married.

“I`ve taken my holiday application to HR and found several fantastic options. However, I would like to discuss them with you. When will we make ticket reservations?”

His guilty countenance cut me off.

“Baby, I`m not even sure how to tell you this…”

Everything inside me turned upside down. I was aware of what would come next.

“You know, I wanted to spend this time with you more than anything! However, I can`t depart now because of Vera`s unforeseen health problems. She needs help! Under these circumstances, it would be inhuman of me to abandon her. I had hoped to the last minute that things would work out, but unfortunately that didn`t happen.”

I lost my nerve. I had lived on his promises of a divorce for the long four years, and I firmly believed that it would eventually happen. It was a simple, yet effective, strategy. However, I, like many other women, was duped by it. No matter how hard I was trying to pretend I was busy with my life going with the flow, it was a lie. I waited. I waited for him to call every single day to tell me he could no longer live that way. I would no longer be a mistress and he would remain in the relationship. At that moment, I realized that my expectations were unrealistic and that the man I had been deeply in love with was not as I had thought. I reacted strongly. I had every right to do so.

“You know what? Screw you and your Vera!”, I shouted and stormed out of the office before he could say anything. So angry I wanted to smash everything around me.

Outside, I managed to calm myself down and think soberly about what I should do. The decision matured in a few minutes, and having received approval from the management for a holiday, I dialed my best friend`s number.

Unlike me, Kira was not used to depending on anyone and could travel the world alone. At thirty neither of us had any prospects for a happy marriage, but it didn`t bother her in the slightest and did not prevent her from enjoying her freedom. Sometimes such self-sufficiency began to scare me a little, but deep down I admired my friend.

Kira had always been a risk taker. Adrenaline was vital to her because it gave her energy, pushing her to new accomplishments. She was used to achieving everything on her own and was not afraid of difficulties. At the age of seventeen Kira entered the Institute at the Faculty of Design and moved from her native Kursk to Moscow, which she never regretted afterwards. The capital accepted her like a native, and she felt quite at ease there.

We met more than ten years ago, when Kira was working as a waitress in my favorite café. Since then, this red-haired girl had become an important part of my life, despite the fact that we were very different in character and outlook on life. Now my friend worked as a stylist in a modelling agency, where her professionalism and creativity were highly appreciated.

“Hi! Have you bought a trip yet?”

“No. I`m going to drop at the travel agency tonight.”

“Oh, that`s great. I`m going with you.”

“What?! I mean, I`m excited! But what about your trip?”

“Vera`s sick, and he can`t leave her alone. I don`t want to hear any more about them!”, I hung up and breathed a sigh of relief: sometimes I had bright ideas.

For the rest of the day I plunged deep into work trying not to leave the office unnecessarily. I was so hurt that I could hardly hold back the tears. I should have realized long time ago that this relationship would not bring anything good. I had tried to break up with Nikita countless times, but each failed again and again. Constant uncertainty, despondency, jealousy and pain of having to share my man with another woman — all this had accumulated in me for too long and eventually resulted in a terrible hysteric. Well, it was bound to happen one day…

***

Three days later, we flew to Cyprus on a hot ticket — the perfect rehabilitation for a broken heart. Nikita must have been trying to reach me on the phone, but I simply switched it off and forbade myself even to touch it. I really wanted to believe that this holiday would bring some positive changes in my life.

It happened. I forced myself to switch over and hardly thought about Serebrov the whole holiday. The serene mood was marred only by the realization that I would soon have to return.

Longing overcame me even a day before the flight. I had to admit to myself that I could not get Nikita out of my head. I still missed him.

Thinking about the fact that we were no longer together was much easier on vacation than at home. Moscow met us with rain and cold, freezing wind. My mood was completely ruined. I wanted to go back. It took us an incredibly long time to go through passport control, so after getting my luggage, I was almost running to exit to get into a cab and soon be in my cozy apartment.

Nikita met me in the waiting room. I bit the bullet and proudly walked past him. But when he grabbed my hand and turned me towards him in the middle of the crowd, I realized that I was helpless before his onslaught. Those beloved green eyes, those familiar features and that guilty smile… I lost again.

In a couple hours later, when we were lying snuggled in the hotel room with two glasses of wine, I thought that perhaps it was happiness just to be with him. I didn`t want noisy parties, casual hook-ups, or dancing on the bar anymore. I had him: strange, complicated, indecisive, but still loved. Nikita looked at me with such tenderness and warmth that I could stake my head on assurance that my feelings were mutual.

We spent the next twenty-four hours together, enjoying the reconciliation and each other. I realized that soon the euphoria would be replaced by routine, with his wife again, sneak meetings, constant promises, and everything else that had always been present in our relationship. But at that moment it didn`t matter because I was happy.

He drove me home in the evening and then returned to his wife as usual.

***

The first day at work was a struggle, as I didn`t get enough sleep. A lot of things have piled up during the vacation, it was as if I had been away for months and had just returned from a round-the-world trip. Nikita had been in negotiations with a client all day, and we`d only been able to meet for a couple of minutes, which was still enough to put a smile on my face.

I struggled to concentrate on work and fought the overwhelming sleepiness. I had to cancel my plans for the evening because all I could think about was a warm bed even though going home after work has always been a rarity for me. This city seemed too dynamic for me to spend my evenings in front of the television.

My busy schedule included a variety of daily activities, meetings, dinners with friends, trainings and gym sessions. I loved being around people, going to interesting places, being fascinated by new and unusual things. I always had something to occupy myself with, and I could not understand those who constantly complained about dull life and routine. My social circle consisted of ambitious and energetic individuals, which was largely due to my profession.

“Everything started out so well: Cyprus, the sea, parties, new men”, Veronica concluded after hearing my story at lunchtime. She worked in our firm as a secretary, and we became friends from the very first day we met. “Serebrov had to show up and ruin everything again!”

“It happens every time I try to get on without him, you know that. I`m drawn to him so strongly that sometimes it`s crazy. I don`t know how to fight it, but honestly, I`m glad we made up.”

“You`re hopeless”, she laughed. “Finish your ice cream, and I have to get the paperwork ready before the chief gets back from his meeting.”

***

That evening I had a terrible headache. I took a few painkillers, but my condition didn`t improve. As I tossed and turned in bed, all I wanted was to fall asleep and wake up fresh and healthy in the morning. I took a sedative just to be sure, but it didn`t do any good either. After suffering for about an hour, I got up and made some chamomile tea. Then I drank three “Melaxen’ tablets and lay with my eyes closed for a long time before I finally managed to fall asleep.

When the alarm clock rang, I could hardly get my head off the pillow: the terrible throbbing pain in my temples still lingered. It didn`t go away even for a minute, and it drove me crazy. I swallowed packs of painkillers that didn`t work, but I persisted in testing drugs in the hope of finding a cure.

In such a broken state, I still arrived at work to try to sort through the backlog. My eyes were watery and itchy, it hurt to look at the monitor screen and I really wanted to sleep. I went to wash my face with cold water a few times, hoping it would help me feel better. But that only worked for a little while. Any noise (even rustling, not to mention loud conversations), slamming doors and phone calls annoyed me. By the end of the working day I was ready to throw myself at people.

After barely making it home, I immediately collapsed on my bed, drank a double dose of sleeping pills and slept until morning. A few days later, the real nightmare began in my life.

***

That morning I woke up with a terrible headache and nausea. I took another painkiller and started to get ready for work, but I quickly realized that was a bad idea: every movement made me feel worse. For the next six hours I vomited almost non-stop, shaking with chills, and I had no energy even to crawl to the bedroom.

I lay on the kitchen sofa corner with a wet towel over my head and prayed to God that this horror would end soon. By two o`clock in the afternoon, I was finally exhausted and was able to fall asleep.

I was awakened by the insistent ringing of the doorbell. Firstly, I didn`t want to open it, hoping to forget myself and fall back into sleep, but the ringing didn`t stop, which caused the same hellish pain in my head. It was already dark outside the window. The clock on the wall read 8:00 p.m.

I forced myself to get up and walk to the hall.

Nikita was standing in the stairwell. Already from the doorstep, I began to hear angry complaints against me for not picking up the phone and was blamed for his premature gray hair. And then I was lying on his chest, and he stroked my head, soothing me like a little girl. It was one of the few days when Nikita stayed overnight.

***

I woke up at six in the morning and realized that I would never be able to sleep again. The only thing going through my mind was: “When will I finally wake up in good health?”

Nikita made breakfast, but the smell of food made me sick again. I could not remember the last time I`d eaten…

After standing under the shower for twenty minutes, I still found the strength to get ready for work. I could not even think about driving — my head was barely thinking.

We drove to the office together, which I usually preferred not to do. But at that moment, I didn`t care about gossip — I was just trying to survive.

The workday had become a torture. As soon as I turned my head sharply, the pain intensified. I tried not to bend over, not to get up from my chair, and not to move at all unless I had to. Any odor irritated me, and even Veronica`s perfume, which in my former, ordinary life I liked very much, caused unpleasant gagging.

Nausea had become my inseparable companion (now I understood unhappy women suffering from toxicosis), and any sound, including the rumble of cars outside the window, made me shake.

I didn`t want to talk to anyone: my current state of mind was not conducive to socializing at all. I dreamed that nobody would touch me, and I was waiting for 6:00 p.m. as if it was pennies from heaven but unfortunately today I had to negotiate with an important client.

As I walked uncertainly towards the meeting room, my eyes suddenly blurred and I felt that I could not stand on my feet. Then my consciousness blacked out…

When I opened my eyes, I saw the frightened faces of half the office, including my boss.

“You`re awake!”, He sighed with relief. “How you scared us!”

“It`s okay!”, I said quietly, trying to get up from the couch, but my attempt failed: my head was spinning and tearing with pain.

“Lie down”, Veronica said, “The ambulance is coming!”

The doctors wrote my condition off as fatigue and gave me a shot, after which I felt even more sleepy. But the nausea was noticeably less.

Nikita drove me home. I slept the rest of the day, occasionally waking up with thirst, but immediately falling back into the sleep that my exhausted body needed so badly.

***

Since then, the attacks have been recurring with enviable regularity. My days became like one another: pills, ambulance, injections. I lay in a room with the windows closed, feeling hopeless and gradually losing the last hope of recovery.

During the night, another wave came over me, which I was unable to cope with. I called the ambulance again: I could not take it anymore.

“Well, what have we got here?”, The young doctor asked me.

I told her in a nutshell what had happened to me.

“Now we`ll give you a shot, and it will be easier. Be patient. That`s all”, the savior smiled, squeezing my arm in her elbow. “How long it`s been bothering you?”

“Five days now. And nothing helps, it only gets better for a little while.”

“Have you been under a lot of stress lately? I think that`s the reason, because a migraine can`t last that long.”

“No”, I answered without looking up.

“Maybe you`re worrying about something deep down, and it`s causing you such severe pain.”

I felt myself starting to boil, but I didn`t want to be rude, because the doctor was genuinely trying to help.

“Is everything okay with your family? No serious problems at work?”, she continued her interrogation.

“I`m really fine”, I assured her.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”, treaded she on my toes.

“Yes”, I answered, not wanting to pursue this subject.

“Does he love you, appreciate you?”, The doctor asked, having finally finished me with this question.

“Yes”, I repeated.

“Well, that`s wonderful! But you should think about what I said. Feel better!”

I closed the door and cried. I felt hurt and sorry for myself. I could not get the doctor`s words out of my head. I realized she was right, but I could not accept it, and I didn`t want to.

***

The next morning, I was sitting in the therapist`s office.

“How old are you?”

“Thirty”, I said, pressing my fingers to my temples to dull the pain.

“Do you have any infectious or chronic diseases?”

“No.”

“What are you complaining about?”

I told him about all the symptoms that had been plaguing my life for the past few days.

“What`s the most common type of pain? Dull, pressing, stabbing, tearing?”

“More like pressure, although there are other variations as well.”

“Any head injuries, concussions?”

“No.”

“If the headache is accompanied by nausea and vomiting, it`s common with poisoning or high blood pressure — hypertensiс crises. But this pain is not permanent, it quickly passes. You should definitely be examined and have a brain scan”, the doctor calmly said, filling out my chart.

“What for?”, I asked.

“To find out the cause of your problem. In fact, it could be anything: osteochondrosis, migraine, tension headache, hypertension, or even a brain tumour. You should definitely get checked out. I recently had a patient with similar symptoms and she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, which had been progressing for six months. She came in with similar complaints and no one could tell her anything definitive. But an MRI scan of her brain revealed the disease.

A chill ran down my spine.

“Don`t worry about it too soon. We have to rule out the worst first and then move on. In the case of headaches of different nature, a lot depends also on lifestyle: sleep, diet, physical activity. Because, for example, if a person is constantly in a confined space with limited access to oxygen, it is quite enough to cause headaches. In addition, it is necessary to take into account the working conditions. For example, people who lead a sedentary lifestyle very often have osteochondrosis, which is often the cause of discomfort. I`ll prescribe painkillers and vitamins. You will also have a general blood test, an ultrasound of the neck vessels and an X – ray of the cervical spine.”

***

I walked out of the polyclinic on shaky legs. The mere thought of the abovementioned diagnoses terrified me.

All day long I could not find any peace, replaying in my head the doctor`s terrible suspicions. I did not recognize my reflection in the mirror: pale, thin face, bruises under my eyes, faded look. I was scared, and I wanted only one thing — to feel better as soon as possible.

Realizing that my body needed strength to recover and fight the disease I didn`t know yet, I forced myself to eat a bowl of soup that Kira had carefully prepared for me yesterday. The endless worry made my head ache even worse, and the painkillers still didn`t help. I tried to sleep, but all attempts were futile.

At the beginning of eleven, Nikita called me as usual to say good night (if that was even possible in my situation):

“How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts, and I feel lousy inside”, I didn`t want to talk to him at all.

“Everything`s going to be fine, don`t you dare even think about the worst!”

“Of course”, I didn`t argue, because it was always easier to say things like that than to believe they were true. Especially when it`s not about you, but about someone else.

***

In the morning Nikita was waiting for me at the entrance with a bouquet of flowers. I felt ashamed that I had been angry with him yesterday and accused him of indifference to my illness. We went to get an MRI together.

I sat in the hall of the clinic and thought about the fact that a few days ago I could not even imagine that such a story could happen to me. Soon a lab technician came out and called my surname. I began to shake.

The twenty minutes it took seemed like an eternity.

“Wait in the hall, the result will be ready within half an hour.”

The thing I hated mostly was waiting without being able to change anything. But I had nothing else to do, so I obediently sat down on the sofa and counted the minutes. Nikita was holding my hand, and I was grateful to have him nearby.

I was brought out of my reverie by the voice of the lab technician, who stood in front of us and held my scan in her hands.

“There is no inflammation, you need to see a neurologist and continue treatment”, she said.

“Does that mean I`m not sick?” I asked, jumping up from my seat.

“There is no tumour”, she confirmed. “The doctor will prescribe further treatment for you. Feel better!”

“Thank you!” I turned to Nikita and hugged him tightly. A load had fallen off my mind.

We went outside, and I breathed a full breath. How little, it turns out, a person needs for happiness…

The therapist, after reviewing the MRI data and the description of the scans, gave me a referral to a neurologist and told me to wait for the results of the analyses:

“Fortunately, no pathologies have been detected. If everything turns out to be clear in terms of neurology, it may be related to psychosomatics: sometimes a person holds some resentment or repressed aggression for a long time, which later finds its way out in the so-called tension headaches or migraine. You can also visit an osteopath — perhaps he will ease your condition.”

In the evening, Kira came to me. She was the one person who didn`t annoy me, even when I was in the state I was in now.

“Hello, sick!”, my friend kissed me on the cheek. “Here, I brought you some vitamins to help you get better. You have a face like a wet weekend.”

“Thank you!”, I didn`t want to eat, I didn`t want anything. “I`m so tired of everything!”, I confessed.

“I understand. But we have to be patient, everything will be over soon!”

“And if it isn`t?”

“It will be over, I promise you!”

It was one of the few times Kira had ever broken her promise.

***

The neurologist patiently wrote down my complaints:

“I wake up every day with an excruciating headache and I experience constant nausea, which is often accompanied by vomiting. Any movement causes

discomfort. The pain is multiplied, making every action a real ordeal. I am irritated by sounds and bright lights, and this terrible pain does not subside for a second. It feels like my head is being squeezed in a vise and it`s about to burst.”

“For all intents and purposes, it`s like a migraine.”

“What am I supposed to do about it? I`ve been in this condition for about a week now and honestly can`t take it anymore.

“I`ll prescribe symptomatic medication and triptans which are effective against migraine. As you have low blood pressure now, you will take medication containing caffeine or small amounts of adrenaline. In general, migraine is often characterized by prolonged pain and its periodic recurrence with a certain frequency. In this case, the diagnosis does not reveal any pathology of the brain and blood vessels. According to the analyses, everything is also in order. Everyone copes with it in a different way: someone goes to a sanatorium-resort treatment, someone chooses the most preferable type of recreation or, conversely, physical activity, for someone drugs is the only help. Some patients are “hooked’ on more serious medications — they are more psychotherapeutic; they are prescribed by psychiatrists. By the way, migraine headaches are often hereditary. Has anyone else had similar symptoms? Your mum, your grandmother? I shook my head in the negative.

REFERENCE

Migraine (ICD–10 disease classification: G43.0) — recurrent, recurrent attacks of headache accompanied mainly by nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, drowsiness, mood swings, etc.

Symptoms:

— headache (but it`s not the only and obligatory symptom);

— nausea and vomiting;

— abdominal pain;

— diarrhea and constipation;

— fever;

— drowsiness;

— mood swings;

— general malaise;

— aversion to food;

— ocular symptoms: redness of the small vessels of the eyeball, blurred vision, itching and burning in the eyes;

— nasal congestion during an attack;

— apathy and drowsiness;

— sleep problems;

— dizziness;

— loss of spatial orientation;

— sickness and fainting;

— water balance disorders (dehydration, etc.);

— chills, cold sweats, stupor;

— photophobia: the person experiences painful sensations in response tobright illumination of the eyes;

— poor tolerance of sounds;

— exaggerated and often distorted perception of tastes and odors; — depressed mood.

Such conditions are aggravated if the patient continues to work and lead a usual lifestyle. This worsening provokes further aggravation of other migraine symptoms. In simple migraine, the duration of the attack is rarely less than three hours. As a rule, migraine pain persists for twenty-four hours. In rarer cases, it lingers for several days, and in exceptional cases the duration exceeds a week. Severe migraine attacks that last for two days or more are called migraine status.

***

I kept going to doctors, trying my best to get back to the condition I was before. But my efforts had no effect, and I was wasting time, not to mention money. I had a headache 24 hours a day, from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning. It was so excruciating that sometimes I could not even go to the pharmacy, wash my hair, or do anything around the house. Sometimes even getting out of bed was an inhuman effort.

Nikita visited me every day, and his visits always cheered me up. At the same time, I often snapped at him, but he treated this behavior with understanding and tolerated my irritability and aggression. Then I felt ashamed of my antics, but I could not control them.

Veronica`s husband recommended me to see a paid neurologist who had helped him get rid of terrible back pain a few years ago. At that time I was so tired of what was happening to me that I was willing to try anything. I had hope again, and that gave me the strength to get out of bed. I had no idea what was ahead of me.

CHAPTER 2. WHAT`S HAPPENING TO ME?!

“If you do what you shouldn`t, tolerate what you don`t like” Benjamin Franklin

“I`m listening. What`s bothering you?”, the doctor asked me, taking my medical history.

“I have constant migraine attacks. They`re going to drive me crazy! Those pills prescribed by the neurologist at the polyclinic have no effect. In the morning I wake up exhausted, as if worked very hard and persistently all night. I don`t have enough energy for anything. I`m in a nasty mood, and I snap at people. I`m nauseous all the time, I`m sick of all the smells. I can`t go to work, and I can`t do anything but lie down, preferably without moving.”

“Any head injuries, chronic illnesses?”

“No, this has never happened to me”

“How long ago did this condition start?”

“About three weeks ago.”

“It`s never happened before?”

“No. I mean, sure, I`ve had the occasional headache like everyone else, but it`s never been like this.”

“What do you attribute it to? Stress?”

“Maybe. But I`ve been stressed hundreds of times, and it`s never happened to me.”

“Look at the hammer. Here, here, here. Close your eyes, open them. Show me your teeth, show me your tongue. Good. Put your hands on your knees, relax. Stand up, please. Feet together, hands in front, fingers apart. Touch the tip of your nose with your index finger. That`s good.”

Thirty minutes later, the doctor gave her a diagnosis:

“Tension headache. Anxiety-asthenic syndrome. Migraine without aura.”

“Examination:

— Electroencephalography.

— Clinical blood analysis.

— Biochemical blood analysis: glucose.

— Consultation of ophthalmologist (visus, eye fundus with detaileddescription of arteries and veins: state of vascular wall, diameter, intraocular pressure).

Recommended:

— To control the attack of headache (taking drugs at the beginning of theheadache) — NSAIDs: “Xefocam Rapid’, “Ketonal’, “Naproxen’, “Aspirin 1000 mg’, “Ibuprofen’, “Nimesulide’: 2–3 tablets; “Voltaren suppositories’. Drink the drug with a caffeine – containing drink (“Coca – Cola’, “Pepsi’, coffee). Evaluation of the effectiveness of the drugs during 3 attacks.

— During the period of increasing frequency of headaches — “Amitriptyline 25 mg’: 1/4 tablet at bedtime for 2 months.

— “Teraligene 5 mg’ (“Alimemazine 5 mg’): 1 tablet for 2 months

(neuroleptic).

— “Magnerot’: 2 tablets 3 times before meals for a week; then: 1 tablet 3 times for 2 weeks.

— “Midocalm 150 mg’ (“Tolperisone 150 mg’): 0.5 tablets 3 times a day for 3 days; then, if well tolerated: 150 mg 2 times for 15 days (relax the muscle).

— “Berokka plus’: 1 tablet for 3 weeks.”

“I will give you a referral for an examination to make sure that there are no neurological pathologies. And then we`ll choose the appropriate treatment. In the meantime, you`ll start taking the medications I`ve recommended now. Take the prescription, and I will wait for you next time with the results of examinations.”

REFERENCE

Asthenic syndrome. Symptoms:

— rapid fatigue and decreased efficiency;

— excessive irritability, irritability, impatience;

— persistent weakness;

— frequent mood swings;

— crankiness and tearfulness;

— headache;

— intolerance to sounds, light and strong odours;

— anxious thoughts;

— emotional instability;

— high blood pressure;

— sleep problems;

— appetite variability;

— persistent dissatisfaction;

— depression;

— tachycardia and arrhythmia;

— breathing difficulties;

— meteorological dependence;

— hypersensitivity;

— inattention; — memory impairment.

***

My bedside table was stocked with new medications, and fortunately, they made a difference. God had heard my prayers.

Few days later, the headaches lessened and I was even able to go to work. And by the end of the week, I started to feel like a human being again. Life without migraine was heavenly, despite the workload and other problems that had accumulated during my absence.

I was finally starting to come out of the semi-conscious state I`d been in for the past few weeks. Now, I wished more than anything that this nightmare would never happen again.

I spent Tuesday at a conference. I had to miss a lot of important events because of my illness, which is unforgivable for someone in my position. Now I had to catch up urgently.

The business meeting brought together heads of PR departments of different companies from all cities in Russia. My boss often sent me to such events, which I was very pleased with. These platforms were created purposefully so that specialists could share their experience and present their public relations system. Most everyone in attendance we had met many times before, so I had plenty of people to chat with informally over lunch.

Such conferences provided a convenient opportunity to find and attract new clients, which I was doing all that day. I have been working on my presentation for the last week, so I wasn`t even worried and I completed the program perfectly as a result. By the end of the evening I had six contacts of potential partners in my notebook, so I was proud of myself. I was also interested in a few things from the other participants’ presentations that I was going to try out in my own work.

That evening, Nikita and I met up for dinner. I didn`t get home until close to midnight, so I had a quick shower and went straight to bed — I needed a good night`s sleep.

***

The next morning I met at Vnukovo airport my closest person — my beloved grandmother. I spent my entire childhood with her and loved her with all my heart. When I was born, she neglected her personal life and gave all her unspent love to her only granddaughter. My grandmother took me to all kinds of educational activities, taught me to read, write, and when I got older, to cook and knit. Every summer she took me and my best friend Zhenka to a country house in Golitsyno. We knew each other from nappies and perceived each other as brother and sister. All my childhood memories are invariably connected with this boy.

I remembered this time as the best days of my life: swimming in the river, riding bicycles, playing with friends, eating fresh berries, grandmother`s pies and visits from my parents at weekends. As much as I enjoyed my adult life, I often missed the times when my biggest problem was just broken knees.

The old country house was something of the past. The children I befriended grew up and moved away to make their own lives. Everything that was so dear to me was now stored only in my memory.

I appreciated what my grandmother did for me very much and never forgot about it. We had been inseparable for as long as I could remember. Twelve years ago my parents moved to Sochi, and my grandmother moved into our flat in Tsaritsyno, visiting the resort town every summer.

We kissed and hugged for a long time when we met at the airport. Then I drove her home and went to work, promising not to stay late.

It was a madhouse in the office — everyone was preparing for the upcoming visit of the European partners. They came every six months, and each visit always turned into a real epic. Necessary reports were ready, but for some reason my coworkers’ hands were still shaking. It was quite difficult not to succumb to the general chaos, but despite the excitement, I perfectly conducted a presentation of the new PR-campaign of the furniture factory and received flattering feedback and praise from the top management. Therefore, at exactly six p.m., pleased with myself, I said goodbye to my colleagues and walked down to the parking lot.

As I expected, a real feast was waiting for me at home. My grandmother had cooked so much in a few hours that I could feed an entire platoon. She took care of me like I was still a child.

“Grandma”, I said affectionately, “you`re not sparing my figure at all!” “Eat up, you`re getting skinny”, she looked at me sternly.

“As you say!”, I laughed back, sitting down at the table. “You know that I can never refuse your stuffed cabbage!”

For my grandmother I was always the smartest, the prettiest and… the skinniest.

“Alisa, it`s time for you to get married! What are you and Nikita waiting for?” she started her favorite topic again.

“All in good time, do not rush things”, I smiled, although it was not fun at all and I wanted to go down the drain.

“When will I have great-grandchildren?”

“Don`t worry, you`ll have great-grandchildren!”, I promised for the hundredth time.

Naturally, my grandmother did not know that Nikita was married. That is why she was sure that our relationship is smoothly moving towards the wedding. She would often strike up conversations about children with me, which I only guffawed at. I could not tell her the truth, I didn`t want to burden her with it. It was enough that I kept running the theme of my own love triangle through my head all the time.

My grandmother`s family life was not carefree. My young grandmother was incredibly beautiful. She met my grandfather in Yalta, where she was staying with acquaintances, and he came there for competitions. They met by chance in a café, and my grandmother fell in love with him over heels.

He was a successful handsome boxer, but behind him, there were two failed marriages. My grandmother gave up everything and followed him to Donetsk, where they got married. Later on, they had to change their place of residence many times before returning to Moscow again. She travelled around the country with him, supporting him at every competition and worrying about his every fight. Then she got pregnant and gave birth to a daughter, but it didn`t change anything, and he was still missing 24 hours a day. Sport was always the first priority for grandpa. Most of his life was taken up by travelling, boxing fights, social events, restaurants and other women. Grandma waited patiently for him at home and turned a blind eye to many things.

In my opinion, their marriage could not be called happy. Grandmother was always in the shadow of her husband, and grandfather was too centered on himself to love her as much as she loved him selflessly. Grandma tried her best to keep the family together, but when my mum turned fourteen, they finally got divorced. Granny never married again.

At one time, I was just like my grandmother, drove in headfirst, falling in love with Nikita. But even though our stories were similar, I still believed that Nikita and I would have a different ending.

***

I was constantly speculating about what was in store for our love union. Once again, I felt wistful at the reunion that took place the following weekend after the conference with foreign partners.

After listening to my classmates’ stories about happy marriages and childrearing, I became despondent again and threw in the towel. In moments like this I especially missed my Zhenka. He`d be sure to come up with something, be able to support me and find a way to cheer me up.

I was ashamed to tell anyone about my relationship and my unenviable role in it. Mistresses usually have nothing to be proud of. That is why every time someone asked me about my personal life, I had to lie. Now, as usual, I blabbed something about a new romance with a promising man and quickly steered the conversation in a different direction. Despite my conviction that I was an accomplished person (for many people my professional success seemed to be the bee`s knees) I felt like an impostor at this party.

Saying that I was busy, I left the party before everyone else, and when I was on the street, I immediately dialed Nikita`s number, although I usually did not allow myself to call him in the evenings (it was one of the unspoken rules of our relationship). He, of course, dropped the incoming call, which made me even angrier. “God, how did I let things get to this point?!”, I felt so humiliated and miserable that I cried right in the taxi.

A few minutes later, my phone rang. His name popped up on the caller ID. I wiped my tears (you`d think he could see me) and, not embarrassed by the taxi driver, told Nikita everything that had boiled over. As a result, our conversation again ended in a scandal. He was hurt by my phrases, and I was driven to fury by the fact that he was not going to change anything. And the most frustrating thing was that he didn`t seem to understand why I was so angry with him. Or he just pretended not to…

This state of affairs in my personal life began to depress me more and more. My beloved man could not and, more importantly, did not want to create conditions in which I could feel stability and be confident in the future. He could not give what I, like any woman, needed most of all. But deep down I realized that in fact it was foolish to blame him for that. I should have accepted the fact that by starting a relationship with a married man, I had consciously doomed myself to the futility of its development. However, the castles I had built in the air prevented me from doing so.

There was nothing serious between us according to Nikita, only sympathy, affair, office romance, a pleasant pastime. Unfortunately, I really fell in love for the first time in my life. As a result, the fact that our relationships came up against a brick wall was only my problem, because everything in his world was the same. My greatest fear was crossing that line where returning to normal life would be impossible. However, that`s exactly what happened to me. If I could control my feelings, I would have loved someone completely different. But how could I explain that to my heart, which was yearning for this bastard?

Was it too much to ask? All I wanted him to do was just leave me alone. Once and for all. Give me back the right to live my own life. From his side it was sneaky as if he wasn`t holding me, but he wasn`t letting me go either. I hated him and loved him madly at the same time. But I got tired…

Tired of waiting for something that never seemed to happen. “How much more do I have to endure before I stop believing him?”, I asked myself, realizing that I was losing myself more and more in this relationship, but I was afraid to even think about the fact that losing the object of my love was just as unbearable for me.

I wanted to wake up and never think about him anymore. So that at least one damn morning he wouldn`t be the first thought that came into my head. It was scary, being dependent on a man and being a puppet in his hands. I was being sucked deeper and deeper into a swamp of painful one-sided love. I realized that I had become like those women whom I had always condemned. Those who would run to a man at the first call, forgetting everything in the world, betraying their principles and stepping on their own pride just to be near him. When I began to think about it, I was filled with a wild anger. I could not give him up even at the cost of my own health. Probably it should be treated like alcoholism or drug addiction. I should go to rehab centers and take medication, and then move to another city and change my phone number so that I wouldn`t relapse.

I roared silently into my pillow half the night, afraid to wake my grandmother. Zhenka used to forbid me to cry all the time. And when I wiped away my tears and said: “It`s okay for girls”, he looked at me with a serious look and said that I was too beautiful to cry. After such words I didn`t want to be upset anymore. But now there was nobody who could stop me, and I sobbed like a defenseless child.

***

The morning began with a call from Kira and questions about last night`s meeting, which I didn`t even want to remember.

“It`s better not to ask!”, I replied. “I cried my eyes out and now I`m afraid to even look at myself.”

“Nostalgia tortured, or someone offended? I remember the story about Marina. That lady always annoyed you.”

“Her husband, by the way, now works for Gazprom, and for her birthday she got a villa in Spain as a present. And Marinka herself, by the way, has become much nicer than before. Growing up has clearly done her good. In general, it`s not about her, but about me, and it`s a long story. Do you want to see me somewhere? I have to get out of the house before I give my grandmother a heart attack.”

On weekends we often had breakfast together in some cozy coffee house and shared with each other the events of the past week. Each of us always had a story to tell. Kira lived at a frantic pace too, and we both liked that way of life. But today was not a happy occasion. I still felt a sense of humiliation and resentment after last night`s event.

An hour later we were sitting at “Slasten’, which was not far from my house. Compared to my friend, I looked like a ghost.

“If you want to live happily, don`t fall in love”, I said, finishing my cherry pancake.

“You`re too categorical! Don`t fall in love with a married man, yes. He doesn`t do anything for you and, most offensively, he doesn`t want to. He`s happy as he is.”

“You don`t believe in our relationships?”

“I don`t believe in him! If he makes you happy, I`ll change my mind about him. But the fact that you`re so worried about it, I don`t like it at all. If it`s your man, everything will be fine anyway, and if not, you`ll be glad it didn`t work out. Spare your nerves, please! Yours will not get away from you.

***

Unfortunately, I couldn’t follow my friend`s advice. I was annoyed with the whole world, as if someone was to blame for my failed personal life. I was becoming nothing, and there was nothing I could do about it. I just watched from the sidelines and shook my head disapprovingly, reproachfully. As if it wasn`t me who was destroying my life and lowering my self-esteem with my own hands. It was much easier for me to blame anyone else for my failures than to admit that I`d gotten myself into this mess. By the time I reached my thirties, I had never learnt to understand men and still believed in fairy tales. And all the people I met on my way — shop assistants, colleagues and passers-by — had nothing to do with it. I should have snapped and shouted only at myself.

Nikita tried his best to smooth the situation and a few days later invited me to spend the weekend in a holiday home. I melted again, although deep down I hated myself for it. We made up, but morally I still felt bad. I tried to keep my thoughts to myself and pretend that everything was fine. I didn`t want to look hysterical anymore, but there was a hurricane of resentment and jealousy raging inside that ensured that I was constantly tormented.

***

Work saved me from depression once again. There were two days left before the presentation on the opening of a premium-class beauty salon on Leninsky Prospekt. I had been working on this project for the past few weeks, and then it was time to show the results of my work. However, I still had a lot of things to do, so I didn`t have time to think about anything else.

I arrived at the office at eight a.m. and plunged straight into the workflow. I confirmed the delivery of food and drinks for the buffet; I talked to the catering chef and ordered the fireworks, which would be the final chord of the event; I once again discussed the detailed plan of the event with the client and arranged a follow – up meeting to sign the necessary documents; I approved the list of invitees and talked to the journalists about all the details of the joint work.

The internet advert was set up, the TV spot was launched, invitations were sent out and delivered. Mariel`s beauty salon account in the popular social network already had five thousand subscribers and under my careful management successfully fulfilled its mission of attracting clients. The owner of the salon, the beautiful Angelina, was not stingy on finances and demanded the best. It gave me a lot of opportunities to organize my advertising campaign and make a presentation.

The next day was no less crazy. From the very morning I called the press representatives, checked the organization of photo and video shooting, readiness of advertising banners and souvenirs.

Having finished the business in the office, I went to the salon — to check how the room was decorated (which, according to my order, was entrusted to one of the best firms in this area) and to conduct a dress rehearsal of the presentation with a specially invited presenter and Angelina herself. I made the script of the opening personally, repeatedly redoing it until it was perfect, and I had no doubts in my own success.

Having parked my car in the parking lot of the new salon, I hurried to the future realm of beauty and femininity. The halls were already decorated with balloon arches and garlands — exactly as I had imagined it: nothing superfluous, bright and tasteful, all in the same style — lavender and white shades. The lobby was in a working mess: planners were installing a spotlight, florists and designers were decorating the reception desk and the masters’ workplaces. Preparations for the opening were in full swing, and so far I was loving it. I didn`t spend so much time and effort on it for nothing.

***

On X-Day, I had to wake up at six in the morning to get myself in shape and to get to work for a few hours before the presentation. Today I had to look immaculate. For the occasion, I wore a new cream trouser suit and burgundy high heels. The opening ceremony started at 4 p.m., but being the organizer, I got there much earlier, by 12 p.m.

The ceilings were decorated with gel balloons nailed to them in free flight, which color successfully harmonized with the general style of the room, and on the shelves there were bouquets of fresh flowers, made by special order by a professional florist. On the tables the catering staff beautifully laid out buffet snacks for the guests: rolls, canapes, tartlets with red and black caviar, fruits. Expensive champagne and different kinds of wines were arranged. Everything here literally screamed of luxury and respectability.

The hostess Mariel looked stunning: she chose a turquoise-colored floorlength dress with a high slit and terrific silver sandals. There was a photographer and videographer and media representatives working in the hall. The number of visitors made my heart beat joyfully. The halls were full of beautifully dressed interested people. I was running around the salon, trying to control everything. It was a pleasure to be involved in the organization of such a large-scale event. Despite the fatigue and excitement, I enjoyed the process and felt satisfaction.

After Angelina`s welcome address and a lottery among the present persons, the host of the event invited the guests to the table. And then everyone could use the services of the salon`s masters with a fifty percent discount. In the evening there was a distribution of gifts and pleasant bonuses, after which all participants of the presentation were invited to the street, where a surprise fireworks display was waiting for them.

Finally, all worries and anxieties were left behind. The opening took place at the highest level. The customers were satisfied, and on this occasion in the evening Angelina invited me and my team to a restaurant to celebrate our common victory. I did my best on the project, received warm congratulations from my bosses and a beautiful bouquet from Nikita. I was incredibly proud of myself, mentally ticking off another achievement. On such days, it seemed to me that I could not wish for a better life than mine.

***

Thursday night I felt unusual, even strange. I felt uneasy inside, as if something bad was going to happen. I tried not to think about it, but I could not shift my focus. After calling my parents and making sure they were okay, I tried to sleep. However, it was foolish to hope that it would end so easily…

I found it hard to breathe. I could not take a full breath or control my breathing, and my chest was throbbing. I tried to calm myself down: the symptoms reminded me of neuralgia (I`d had it a couple of times, but thank God it passed quickly).

I opened the balcony wide to let in as much fresh air as possible to make it easier to breathe, and went to the kitchen in search of a sedative, thanking God that my grandmother had gone to a friend`s house for a sleepover today. I found “Corvalol’ in the fridge, and after ten drops of the nasty medicine I felt better. The anxiety began to pass and my breathing evened out, but I still couldn’t get a full breath in. I decided to wait until morning without working myself up.

When I woke up, I immediately called my neurologist. She was on vacation and scheduled a consultation only in a fortnight. The doctor reassured me, saying that my condition was most likely caused by emotional overstrain, which had happened the day before this sudden attack, and advised me to take sedatives.

Nikita went to the countryside with his wife to celebrate someone`s birthday. Euphoria was replaced by misunderstanding, offences and my damned jealousy, which did not leave me in peace again. I realized more and more clearly that I could not get away from it. I was bitter that when I needed him the most, he usually didn`t have time for me. All day long I tried to do something to get away from my sad thoughts: I sorted out my shoe wardrobe, threw away the things I didn`t need, washed the windows. In the evening I was already tired and fell asleep instantly, thinking about nothing.

But in the middle of the night I woke up suddenly because I was gasping for breath. Bright dots flashed before my eyes, and my heart was pounding so furiously that I was afraid to move. It was becoming almost impossible to breathe, and I frantically started calling an ambulance, dialing the emergency number on my mobile phone with a shaky hand.

The electrocardiogram was normal, but my blood pressure and pulse were severely elevated. Still, there was nothing wrong with my heart. The doctors said it was like a nervous breakdown and advised me to worry less. But it seemed to me that a healthy person should not wake up from lack of air, so there was definitely something wrong with me. The injection made me want to sleep, but I resisted it with all my might, because I was afraid of suffocating in my sleep and dying. In the morning I fell asleep…

I dreamed that I was in some big ravine and I could not get out of it. I tried to climb up, looked for other ways to escape, called for help, but I realized that my efforts were futile and all was useless. In the dream I felt the hopelessness and the wild, animal fear so clearly that it was as if it were real. Then I stopped screaming, fell on the muddy ground and began to cry. At that moment Zhenka appeared beside me, lifted me to my feet and said: “Come on, I`ll take you out of here. You must not give up!”. I had no time to answer, but he told me to hold on tightly to the rope, and he began to climb the rickety ladder, which suddenly appeared in this giant pit. I followed him confidently, and soon the fear and panic disappeared. I knew he would save me, as he always did. And when we finally got out and I sighed with relief and wanted to hug him, Zhenya was nowhere to be found.

***

I woke up completely shattered, but I felt better than I had the night before. Remembering that horror gave me goosebumps. It was Saturday, and in despair I went to the doctor on duty. Waiting for the neurologist to return was no longer in my power.

“What`s wrong?”, The doctor asked me, looking up.

I began to describe my complaints and suddenly cried: no sooner had I got rid of one sore, than another appeared on the horizon.

“Such symptoms occur, and most often, in patients with various psychological disorders. However, with your complaints, first of all, it is necessary to exclude diseases of the heart and thyroid gland. It may be thyrotoxicosis, when the thyroid gland produces an excessive amount of its hormones, and under their influence the body begins to shake. They have a detrimental effect on the heart, which causes palpitations. The problem arises at the mental level, because the increased level of hormones also affects the brain: a person becomes irritable, restless, he is often in a bad mood. And this is also accompanied by a feeling of shortness of breath. Your electrocardiogram is good. Do an ultrasound of the thyroid gland and take blood for hormones. If we can rule out all of the above, it`s VVD. For the first time I will prescribe you “Aphobazol’ to make you calmer and “Concor’ to normalize your blood pressure.

REFERENCE

Symptoms of somatoform autonomic dysfunction:

— dry mouth;

— fever or chills;

— chest pain;

— rapid, confused or labored breathing;

— shortness of breath or feeling short of breath;

— a lump in the throat, coughing, or burning sensation in the chest;

— sudden and frequent fluctuations in blood pressure;

— palpitations (tachycardia);

— tingling in the heart area;

— coldness or tremors in the extremities;

— nausea;

— stomach cramps, diarrhea or constipation;

— increased fatigue and absent – mindedness;

— depression and irritability;

— sensitivity to changes in weather;

— headaches;

— poor sleep; — depression;

— panic attacks.

***

I took a blood test for hormones, bought medication and made an appointment for an ultrasound. Vegetovascular dystonia did not scare me. I had heard these words since childhood at appointments with paediatricians and therapists, but I had never expected that it could lead to such a condition.

In the afternoon Nikita called to find out how the doctor`s consultation had gone.

“He appointed regular examinations and suggested VVD, which I have been diagnosed with since childhood. It`s not a diagnosis, they just can`t find any other explanation. Meanwhile, I continue to struggle for every breath.”

“It`s psychosomatic. The important thing is that all your internal organs are healthy! Nothing bad is gonna happen to you. You just need to distract yourself and take some calming tincture. Just wait a while, it`ll pass soon.”

“I`m constantly short of breath, I can`t wait!!!”

“Try to exhale all the way…”

“Nikit, I beg you, stop it!”

I was angry again. I didn`t need all this worthless, empty advices. I just wanted him to be nearby at such a difficult moment. But he wasn’t, and it was always like that. I realized that I`d become overly irritable, even unbearable, but I could not help it. My emotions were rushing out, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. I was fading away, and I saw the reason for it in our relationship.

At 11 p.m., he rang my doorbell, standing on my doorstep with a teddy bear in his hands. I paced the hall for two minutes, but then I opened it, and all my anger evaporated. I didn`t come home that night.

***

Five days later we went on a previously planned joint business trip to St. Petersburg to sign a contract with a favorable partner. My next check-up again didn`t clarify anything. For all intents and purposes I was perfectly healthy, but the situation remained unresolved. Nevertheless, as soon as I arrived at the airport, all problems were put on the back burner. I was waiting for a little trip with my beloved man away from the office, the constant hustle and bustle and, most importantly, from his wife.

I have always had a special feeling for this city. The first time I was there on an excursion in high school in ninth grade and remembered only grey skies, chilly wind and endless bus rides. The only bright spot in those memories was Peterhof — beautiful, majestic, with its many fountains and stunning views.

On my next trip to the Capital of Culture ten years later my opinion of St Petersburg changed dramatically. I spent hours wandering around the city, savoring its sights and afraid of missing something important. The white nights gave me the opportunity to walk late into the night and return home well past midnight, even though it was still light outside. Then I realized that there was a special energy, inherent only to this place, which not everyone is destined to feel from the first time.

Here I was again, in one of the most romantic cities in our country, with the man who was the center of the world for me.

What did I feel during this journey? A state of absolute, unshakable and one hundred percent happiness, when you realize that you have nothing to ask the Universe for, because it can`t be better than now, and you think only about how wonderful it would be if time stopped at this very moment.

This time we were very lucky with the weather: it didn`t rain at all, the sun was shining, and it was somehow not autumnal warm outside, despite the middle of October. We spent the first half of the day on business — negotiating and discussing the future concept of a new chain of restaurants, which stood a good chance of becoming very successful and profitable. After work we were busy with each other, and no one could steal it from me.

We spent hours walking around the center like all those couples in love who don`t appreciate their happiness and don`t understand how much it is just to spend time together; we had lunch and dinner in cozy cafés, and then went back to see the beauty of the city, which became even more beloved to us. Everywhere we glimpsed numerous hotels, shops, restaurants and banks. Wherever we went, we were constantly met by crowds of tourists carving to see the main sights. We took photos on Palace Square, went to the Hermitage, whose expositions can be viewed endlessly, and took a pleasure boat ride on the Neva. In the evening, tired but happy, we returned to the hotel and fell asleep only in the morning, even though we had another business to attend to this afternoon.

On the second day, having solved all important issues, we went to the amusement park located on the shore of the Gulf of Finland. I hadn`t been on rides since they were removed from Moscow`s Gorky Park. It was Nikita`s idea, which I gladly supported, because such places always have an atmosphere of wonder and festivity.

We bought unlimited day passes, that gave us the option to enjoy all the rides all day long, and got tickets to a real child`s fairy tale. There were roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, shooting galleries, driving ranges and trampolines. We ran from one attraction to another, ate candy floss, took pictures with clowns and raced on a go-kart, losing track of time and forgetting about the numbers in our passports.

I especially remembered the ride “Rocket’. From fear I could not get over it for about ten minutes, but it was worth it — an incredible, crazy adrenaline rush. Every time I did a little madness, I remembered my brave Kira and in my mind I ticked off one more fear I had overcome, which I, unlike my friend, had plenty of. But, unfortunately, the most important fears still sat inside and did not hurry to come out.

That day I screamed with delight and laughed non-stop. I didn`t have a headache and almost no shortness of breath. Nikita was caring, affectionate and courteous. We looked at each other with loving eyes and held hands, just like in the first months of our relationship. We ended our walk with a Ferris wheel, from which we had a marvelous view which was breathtaking.

Three days flew in the blink of an eye. On the last evening, Nikita invited me to a restaurant called Sky and Wine. The place was very atmospheric and pleasantly pleased with its service. I wore my favorite red dress and black heels and was satisfied with my image. At dinner Nikita presented me a velvet box with diamond earrings inside. I squealed with joy like a child — they were amazing. To be sure, I always loved the jewelry Nikita picked out for me.

The rest of the evening was quiet, cozy and drenched in happiness. Cuddled up, lying on the bed in a comfortable hotel room, we watched the film “One Plus One’. We both loved this dramatic comedy and had rewatched it more than a dozen times. I tried to remember every second spent next to Nikita. In those moments, he was the only one who existed for me, and I really didn`t want it to end.

Inspired by such a romantic trip, I found a strong conviction that we can overcome everything. Then I was terrified to even think that I might have lost this man because of my resentments and grievances.

Despite the sleepless night, in the morning I woke up so awake that I was ready to move mountains. We had time to walk around a bit more before our flight and take pictures of the sights. I tried to switch off my head and self-consciously savor the last moments we were spending together. Nikita kept repeating that he didn`t want to leave, and it seemed to me that everything was bound to change now.

***

At Domodedovo airport, having received our luggage, we were already on our way to the exit to get into different taxis. People were greeting their loved ones, hugging each other and saying something.

Suddenly, I saw Nikita`s wife in the crowd, although I knew for sure that she was not supposed to come. I had no doubt that Vera was standing in the hall: I visited her profiles in social networks, probably more often than my own. Of course, I shouldn`t have done that, but it was beyond me to fight curiosity. After each new photo with Nikita published on her page, I was overcome with despair, because I could not afford it. I had nothing to hate this woman for, but every time I remembered her, I felt a wild anger, although I understood that I should be angry only at myself. I was the one who`d slept with her husband, not the other way round.

I turned to Nikita, but he wasn`t there. He was already rushing to her, without saying a word to me in farewell. Just pretended we didn`t know each other. He wrapped her in his arms, and they both looked very happy.

Everything inside me burst into flames, and I miraculously forced myself to stay still. It felt like my air supply had been cut off. My first impulse was to leap up, walk over to them, and slap him but I continued to stand there and watch as they walked out of the airport embracing each other.

CHAPTER 3. WELCOME TO THE HELL!

“Nothing in life is more expensive than illness and stupidity” Sigmund Freud

An hour later, I was drinking cognac in my room, smearing mascara on my cheeks and not even trying to bring myself back to normal. I was lucky that my grandmother was asleep and didn`t have the honor of witnessing this pathetic spectacle. I hated myself for once again letting the same dog bite me twice and believing that things could be different.

It was still hard for me to understand how one could say such tender words, make sincere eye contact, and still lie every minute of the day. I remembered how good we were together those days. I was so happy, and I thought he felt the same way. I remembered his words: “I won`t give you to anyone”, “You are only mine”, “I want only you”, “I feel so good with you”. It was all a lie! I was disgusted with myself, but the anger at least dulled the pain a little.

Suddenly everything became so clear to me that now I could hardly understand how I could have lived in illusions for so long. All my tantrums and countless offences had only served to gratify this scoundrel`s ego and to show my weakness before him. He knew that I still do not have enough strength to end with a supporting role, which could not lead to anything serious. Originally, it was as if I didn`t realize it. Every time I tried to break our connection, I went back, forgave, fell for his tricks, and believed his false promises. I really wanted to believe them. It only made him feel more confident that I wasn`t going anywhere. If he really loved me, he would have left his wife long ago and stopped torturing me, but he didn`t. He didn`t want to, and there was no other explanation. How many times could I lie to myself?

In this relationship, I became perpetually twitchy, nervous, irritable. I was always up in the air all these years! I became unlike myself — the invariably kindhearted, cheerful, balanced, girl I had been before I met him. If I had listened to intelligent people at the time, things might have turned out differently. How much I regretted it now, when it was impossible to turn the tide.

I was so angry that the only thing I wanted to do was to go to the couple`s house and throw my fists at him.

I was sick and tired of being the one who he was just having a good time with and then went back to the wife who waited faithfully at home. I promised myself that from this day forward, my life would be different. This time without him.

I had to learn to live again the way I did before I met Nikita. I missed the real me — cheerful, free, independent and upbeat Alisa, who did not expect from life handouts, and went with her own flow and finds joy in every day. Our relationship didn`t work out — Kira was right. I knew from the beginning that we weren`t meant for each other, but I got into this quagmire and I didn`t have the courage to change anything. I`d been going at it for a long time, never daring to take the final step and make a point.

I deserved to be loved and made happy, day in and day out, not just on holidays. I was worthy of true love and a man with whom I could be sure of my future. If Nikita liked such games, that`s his business, but I wasn`t going to be a part of it anymore. The scene at the airport was the last straw that brought me to my senses and dispelled the mirage of non-existent reality. Only now did I finally realize that I`d been trying to break the deadlock alone. He had lied to me, lied to her, and always played only by his own rules.

Unfortunately, my friends were right: all these years I had been devoting myself to a man who was used to loving only himself. I picked up my phone and typed a message, “Don`t ever come near me again”, and sent it quickly so I wouldn`t let myself change my mind. My heart was pounding frantically, but I tried to calm myself down by taking a few deep breaths.

An hour later, my phone rang, but I already knew in advance that this was how it was going to happen, and I guess deep down I was even hoping for it. However, the clear realization that the only time I`d have to pick up the phone was the only time I`d get a fresh start made me determined. My heart was drenched in blood, but it was time to make a life-saving choice between him and my own life, because what was happening to me was starting to feel like a nightmare. I chose myself.

That time I wasn`t going to give up at all costs. I confidently hit the reset button and blacklisted his number. I felt a little better, though the resentment continued to choke me and prevented me from thinking about anything else. I realized that the hell was just beginning, and the pain wouldn`t go away any time soon. And I wasn`t wrong.

While I was frantically deleting the photos from my laptop, I was suddenly hit by a wave of horror that I could not control. I didn`t even realize what had happened, and I only came to my senses when I was on the floor, gulping convulsively.

Firstly, I felt as if I were falling somewhere — flying at breakneck speed and unable to stop. Then I could not feel my fingers and toes, and my lips went numb. I tried to scream, but I could not make a sound. Fear paralyzed my every cell, never letting me out of its clutches.

Gradually, as I watched my condition and noticed more and more symptoms, I began to understand how people go mad. My eyes were blurring, and I could barely make out the outline of the room. My consciousness was confused and refused to listen. Cold, clammy sweat was pouring down my body, and I was shaking like a chill. The lump in my throat made it difficult to breathe, and my chest was tight and my heart was pounding. It was pounding so hard that it felt like it was going to stop.

In the midst of this chaos, a thought that I was dying suddenly kicked across my mind. It was getting harder to breathe with each passing second. I began to feel as if my lungs were failing. I tried to take a deep breath, but it came out squeezed, and that made me even more terrified. I wanted to get up to crawl to the phone, but it was like my body didn`t belong to me anymore.

“God, is this really the end?!” — As I fell into a terrifying abyss, I succumbed more and more to panic. There was no strength left to resist what was happening. I could no longer control myself and decided to give up.

Later I must have blacked out, because when my arms and legs began to obey me after a while, I had no recollection of when I stopped feeling these horrible symptoms of what seemed to me to be impending death and began to return to reality.

I got up off the floor and made my way to the bathroom to wash my face, and the rest of the night I fought with my breathing, but I could not win the fight.

I didn`t sleep a wink until morning. I was exhausted, but sleep still wouldn`t come. I replayed Nikita`s words in my head, remembered the last night spent together, and still could not believe that this relationship in my life would no longer be. I realized that I was making things worse by remembering, but I could not help myself thinking about anything else. Several times, the thought of giving up and getting back on track popped into my head. I was ready to crawl to him on my knees and beg for him to just be there, hold me close and tell me that I am “his girl” and that “everything will be okay”.

However, I immediately reminded myself to hold on and imagined the scene at Domodedovo airport. It was a little sobering. I needed to gather strength to give up this painful addiction. I felt that I was doing everything right, but I could not stop thinking about him. I wondered: if this relationship was only destroying me, why was it ending it painfully?

The train of thoughts briefly distracted me from the nightmare that was happening to my body, but then I succumbed to the panicky feelings again.

I tried to reassure myself that stress could have caused this state, but the selfcondemnation didn`t help much. Panic came in waves, no matter how hard I tried to deal with it. I was really scared.

REFERENCE

A panic attack (ICD–10 classification of mental disorders: F41.0) is a sudden attack of severe anxiety (panic) that is not limited to any particular situation or set of circumstances and is therefore unpredictable.

The main features of a panic attack are:

— occur suddenly, without any apparent cause;

— are not associated with noticeable tension, manifestation of real danger orthreat to life;

— peak within a few minutes and last at least as long;4) characterized by at least four of the following symptoms:

— rapid and increased heart rate;

— increased sweating, cold clammy sweat;

— trembling or tremors;

— dry mouth;

— difficulty breathing (short or rapid breathing);

— feeling of suffocation and shortness of breath, inability to inhale or exhale;

— feeling of compression, tightness in the chest;

— pain, tingling, discomfort in the chest;

— nausea;

— abdominal pain and discomfort;

— dizziness;

— feeling unsteady, fainting;

— sensation of loss of balance, readiness to lose consciousness;

— derealization: the impression that the surrounding objects, environment andeverything that is happening is unreal;

— depersonalization: the feeling that one`s own self is distant from the bodyand is not here; perception of oneself as if from the outside, the feeling that you are not able to control yourself at a given time; — fear of losing control, of going mad;

— fear of death;

— hot flashes or chills;

— numbness in the extremities;

— anxiety, fear and terror;

— feelings of doom or threatened danger;

— negative, heavy thoughts;

— lack of concentration, confusion, inability to concentrate;

— tachycardia, shortness of breath;

— muscle tension;

— tingling sensation in the extremities or throughout the body;

— internal tremors;

— rapid pulse;

— pain or discomfort in the heart area;

— feeling of a lump in the throat;

— gait disturbance;

— impaired hearing and blurred vision;

— cramps in the arms or legs;

— weakness; — inability to sleep;

— tightness in the throat.

***

The sleepless night was taking its toll on my nervous system. I was still shaking and I wasn`t able to gather my thoughts. No matter how hard I tried to soberly assess the situation, my emotions wouldn`t let me do it. I wanted to disconnect from everything that was happening to avoid feeling pain, hurt and fear. I knew in my head that I could handle it, but my heart was pounding furiously, and my anxiety wouldn`t let up for a minute. When I finally saw Kira`s number on the phone display, I was overjoyed.

“You just don`t know how happy I am to hear from you!”, I almost shouted into the phone. “I think I`m going crazy.”

“Get ready, I`ll be at your place in twenty minutes!”

My friend was always like that — she could put emotions aside and start dealing with a problem thoroughly, and I was ready to run anywhere to avoid being alone with my thoughts.

In the kitchen my unsuspecting grandmother was having breakfast.

“Good morning!”

“Good morning, Alisochka! What`s wrong with your mood?”

“I just didn`t sleep well. Don`t mind me, Grandma.”

As for me, I would like very much to ignore myself. I didn`t want to eat, drink or smile.

When I got into the car with Kira, I was immediately relieved to see someone close to me.

“Tell me, what`s up?”, My friend asked me straight away, and I gave her a detailed picture of my night adventures.

“I guess I`m not getting enough air in this city while he`s here”, I tried to smile.

“Yeah… Do you want anything? Maybe some wine?”

“No, I`m afraid it might get worse. Tea would be better.”

“You`re right, tea is better. I need a clear head!”

“It`s not as bad today as it was yesterday. And I hope it won`t happen to me again. I`ll never forget that horrible night. I wouldn`t wish it on anyone, really. And in addition to what is happening to me physically, I want to kill myself from the heartache that I feel from parting with Nikita.”

“Hell with Nikita! Perhaps all these difficulties, so that when you meet your own, you would not foolishly push away and be able to assess them objectively. I am sure that you will have the worthiest man — the one you deserve! Now you need to gain strength to withstand, and then everything will be easy and simple.”

“All this is clear, but it is exactly how to survive this period, and I still imagine with difficulty…”

***

As soon as I said goodbye to Kira and walked into the entrance of my house, I had trouble breathing again. I didn`t understand what was happening to me, and, most importantly, when all this horror would finally stop.

My grandmother met me at the door:

“Alisa, baby, you look pale and not yourself at all. Did something happen to you?”

I gathered the last of my strength and pulled a smile on my face:

“No, Grandma, I`m fine! I just didn`t sleep well today. I`m going to rest.”

“Of course you are. You don`t get any rest with this job!”

The hardest thing was to be alone, as swarms of scary thoughts instantly appeared in my head. But I was afraid of behaving inadequately and scaring my grandmother, so I tried to pull myself together and chase away the panic, but nothing worked.

“Everything will get better soon”, I repeated to myself. “Tomorrow I will go to the doctor, and I will definitely help me”.

My neurologist had finally returned from holiday. I could trust her completely.

In the morning, I woke up to my alarm clock and started to get ready to go to the doctor. Suddenly my lips were numb and I could no longer feel them, my hands were shaking, and my heart was racing again. I felt hot and cold. It lasted half an hour. I could not drive and called a taxi — something had to be done about it!

On the way to the hospital, Kira rang me:

“Hi, how are you today? Did you feel better?”

“No. It`s not as easy as I thought it would be. The anxiety`s getting worse and it`s making me unable to concentrate or think logically. I wouldn`t be able to go to work like this. Fortunately, I took a sick day. I`m on my way to the doctor now. Maybe I shouldn`t have been drinking so much cognac that night. Maybe that`s why I was so disturbed.”

“Call me as soon as you know anything.” I felt a little calmer at the doctor`s office.

“What`s wrong? Did your headaches go down?”

“Yeah, but now I have another problem: constant unreasonable anxiety, irritability, insomnia, chest pains. Tonight it was a real apocalypse. I`ve had something similar before — when I wrote to you, but much more harmless. Besides, the therapist at the polyclinic reassured me that it`s just VVD. But now I know for sure that such symptoms are not normal, and I am very scared.”

“Therapists like to diagnose everyone with vegetovascular dystonia. In fact, it is not a diagnosis, but a syndrome, and you need to understand what caused it. Your exams show that there is nothing wrong with your body, which means it is most likely a psychological problem. I assume hyperventilation syndrome and panic attacks. That`s why I suggest you see a psychotherapist. That`s more his area of expertise.”

It hit me like a thunderbolt. I wanted to think I`d misheard. Noticing the panic in my gaze, she added:

“You shouldn`t be afraid of therapists. They help normal people who find themselves in situations that the psyche can`t cope with. After all, you have to eradicate the roots of the disease. It is difficult to achieve the desired effect using only pills.”

The doctor wrote out the medicines and gave me a prescription: “Adaptol 500 mg’: 1 tablet 2 times a day for 1 month; “Anaprilin (propranolol) 40 mg’: 0.5 tablets 3 times a day for 3 weeks”.

REFERENCE

Symptoms of hyperventilation syndrome (HVS):

— shortness of breath;

— feeling of empty breath (feeling of not being able to take a full breath);

— muscle weakness;

— intolerance to stuffy rooms and odors;

— dry cough and chest pain;

— fear and unreasonable anxiety;

— lump in the throat;

— rapid pulse;

— urinary disturbances;

— mental confusion;

— stabbing, aching, squeezing or shooting pain in the heart;

— blood pressure spikes;

— excessive sweating;

— bluing of the feet, hands;

— hearing loss, noises in the head;

— headache;

— ECG changes in heart function;

— dizziness;

— nausea and vomiting;

— constipation or diarrhea;

— abdominal pain;

— intolerance to certain foods;

— feeling cold or hot;

— unsteady gait;

— fainting and loss of consciousness;

— observation of Deja vu;

— loss of identity, expressed in the patient`s thoughts of reincarnation (depersonalization);

— loss of reality, expressed in the feeling of being in an unreal world: a film, afairy tale, etc. (derealization);

— overreaction to any situation;

— burning, tingling, feeling of goosebumps on the skin;

— numbness of limbs and body parts;

— a feeling of impending paralysis;

— tightness in the chest;

— seizures, tremors;

— numbness;

— burning sensation;

— decreased concentration and memory impairment;

— blurred vision, blurred vision, foggy eyes, darkening;

— abdominal bloating;

— dry mouth;

— sexual dysfunction;

— decreased ability to work, weakness, fatigue;

— increased body temperature;

— sleep disturbances, insomnia;

— tension and irritability;

— depression, feelings of panic, apathy.

HVS can be a part of the clinical picture of panic attack.

***

When I got back home, the very first thing I did was to get on the internet and start surfing articles and forums about panic attacks. The more I read, the scarier I became. The good news was that no one had ever died from it before. “It seems that panic attack symptoms are so scary and painful that it can be fatal. In reality, they are not, and despite the suffering they cause, it is impossible to die from a panic attack.”

I had read that “if you let yourself into this vicious circle”, it`s all over, so I was determined to pull myself together and fight. The main thing was not to give up and be discouraged. We would see who was likely to win!

An hour later I had another panic attack, and my positive attitude vanished into thin air, as if it had never appeared.

I knew I was going to be very bad, and I promised myself I would go all the way. I had no idea what would happen to me that time, that the attack would turn into a nightmare and I would slowly begin to die for real. A third day without sleep, intrusive thoughts, chest pain and unrelenting fear had become habitual for me.

A few days later I sent my grandmother to a sanatorium, so that she did not observe all this horror, because I could not even know what would happen to me next. Nikita tried to call me from different numbers, and his persistence only made it worse. He sent messages like “we must talk because he could not live without me’, and other such nonsense. However, I had heard all of this many times before, so I courageously didn`t pick up the phone and didn`t answer him. Although it was incredibly difficult for me to keep a proud silence.

***

For the fifth day in a row, I lay silently on the sofa, like in some domestic melodrama, and did not want to do anything at all. I realized that I should pull myself together and start moving, but I could not make myself do it. I had no strength. Neither moral nor physical. If Nikita really loved me, he wouldn`t have let me leave and would have chosen me. But he didn`t. He always chose only himself!

I moved to my bed and tried to sleep, but I could not. I replayed our last business trip over and over in my mind, and with each passing second I was getting worse. Finally, I burst into tears so much so that for a moment I thought I wouldn`t last much longer. My whole body ached. I`d been dying to call him and ask him to come over. I wanted him to be nearby, to make everything as good as it was before… But I realized that I had to endure.

After a week Nikita stopped calling and coming to my window. He just disappeared from my life, as if he never existed in it.

I leafed through our photos on my phone and cried all day long. Just a few days ago I was so happy, in a beautiful city, next to the man I loved! Now I felt like I could not be worse off than I was right now.

I missed him so much that I wanted to bang my head against the wall to get rid of these intrusive thoughts.

I was in a terrible mood. I didn`t want to see or hear from anyone, and I wasn`t even going to drag myself out of the house. Kira still hadn`t given up hope of reviving me.

“Don`t push yourself up even more. Watch some funny film, distract yourself, let`s go for a walk somewhere. He`s not worth you getting sick over! You`ve suffered enough, don`t you think?”, my friend tried to talk some sense into me on the phone.

“You`re right, but I can`t think of anything else.”

“It won`t always be like this, things will get better soon! If, of course, you want it to and stop torturing yourself. Now you’re just a masochist, sorry to be blunt.”

Deja vu. That`s what I heard every time I tried to get Nikita out of my life.

“Do you realize he doesn`t love you? Accept that as a fact. It`s cruel, but it`ll sober you up. Stop believing his words that don`t mean anything! How many times have you burned your fingers?!”

I switched on the TV, but I could not find any good comedies. There was a melodrama called “The Notebook’, and I sobbed through the whole film. I felt bitter and sorry for myself. I gave this man my whole soul, and in lieu of it I got back a broken heart and ruined health.

I cursed the day I got a job at our company. If I hadn`t done that, we never would have met and none of this nightmare would have happened to me. Why the hell did I get myself into this mess in the first place?!

***

By the end of the second week of sick leave, my physical condition had improved a little, but not so much my moral condition. I had a new challenge ahead of me — my first day at work.

Firstly, I thought that the return to the usual rhythm of life would help me to come to me sooner. However, as soon as I saw Nikita in the hall, everything squeezed inside, and tears came to my eyes. I wanted to hide my head in the sand and escape from my own feelings. How awful it was to realize that a man who didn`t love me could evoke such strong emotions in me and instantly knock me out of my rut with his mere appearance. I thought I had recovered a little during my sick leave, but our meeting proved otherwise.

He acted as if we didn`t even know each other. I was tempted to call a taxi and go home, citing a sharp deterioration in my health, but I forced myself to calm down. I had to get through this to put an end to our relationship once and for all.

That was the outcome of my affair: I was sinking deeper and deeper into my depression, and he was living on as if nothing had happened. I wanted to stomp my feet and scream, but I tried not to be discouraged and concentrated on my work. I realized that my suffering only aggravated my condition, and he was neither here nor there. This realization gave me strength not to lose courage.

For three hours I tried to write a press release, but I could not think of anything worthwhile to say. I had never felt so useless and defeated. I could not think about anything — I was driven by constant fear.

When I got home, my heart was pounding hard, my temples throbbing. I called the ambulance again. My blood pressure was 160 over 110, my pulse 120. They gave me an injection and the panic eased a little.

“Maybe you should work from home for a couple of days.”, Veronica suggested the next morning. “Your Zorin is a good bloke, he`ll probably go easy on you.”

“I can`t hide forever. I`ll never get out of this state. I have to accept the fact that I have to see him five days a week, and eventually, hopefully, I`ll stop caring.”

“Yeah, that`s what office romances can do…”

There was nothing to add. Sometimes I wanted so badly to go to him, take his hand, talk to him, hug him. Anger, resentment and hatred smoothly intertwined with tenderness, desire and great affection. It was strange and unbearably agonizing to be near him and not be able to touch him. His indifference irritated me, but I tried hard not to let it bother me.

***

The next two months of my life were like a horror film. I hated the way to work more and more every day, and it became a real ordeal for me. I hardly slept at night, and during the day I struggled to overcome my apathy and concentrate on my work.

Everywhere I went I was haunted by this sticky, pervasive fear from which there was no escape.

Work used to be the best way for me to get rid of unpleasant thoughts but the new circumstances made it difficult to concentrate. My efficiency had decreased significantly, and I realized that my bosses would soon notice that. However, no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to work in the same rhythm as before: I could only fulfil half of the volume planned for the day, and sometimes even less. Communication with my customers left much to be desired, too, and this made me very frustrated.

My life was falling apart, and every day I realized it more and more clearly. It used to be something supernatural for me to spend a weekend at home. I was always visiting different interesting places, leading an active life, always surrounded by people and in the center of events. Now I tried not to leave my flat, especially without a reason. Even going to the shop was a feat for me. I never thought that in thirty years doomed myself to home confinement in four walls. Before, I loved dancing till morning in clubs with my friends. Today, going to a nightclub or even to the cinema was akin to volunteering to fight in a war.

I could not use the elevator and taking the stairs made me breathless every time. My breathing problems followed me relentlessly. I was scared of everything: I was afraid of loud voices and music; when a colleague`s phone rang, I would flinch. I switched my phone to silent mode.

I found it hard to control myself when people came close to me — my anxiety rose immediately: my boss leaned over me to show me something in his folder on his computer, and I wanted to push him and run away. I miraculously held back, and then cried for half an hour in the toilet from the hopelessness of my situation and the feeling of my own powerlessness.

The next day I could not go to work. I could not explain what exactly was causing me such terror, but the fact remained. I realized that I was sometimes behaving inappropriately, but there was nothing I could do about it. When there were outbursts of aggression, I had no control over my behavior. I was ashamed to live with it, and I was afraid that colleagues might find out about the attacks.

The obsessive fear that the attack would happen again sat inside of me, not allowing me to live in peace. But the surprises didn`t end there, and my condition only worsened.

Soon I began to have problems with my eyesight. I began to see poorly, my eyes were sore and watery. I felt tired, exhausted and miserable all the time. I was often dizzy and afraid of falling all the time. It was especially hard going down the underground, but I had to give up driving indefinitely: the pills caused a strange state of prostration, and I could not predict what would happen to me in the next second. So I tried to get used to the new mode of transport.

REFERENCE

Mistakes made when experiencing a panic attack.

What should not be done under any circumstances:

— Self-diagnose and self-medicate.

This is not a problem that you can get rid of by reading reviews on the Internet or listening to the advice of acquaintances. Suppose you read an article by a girl who independently, without turning to specialists, defeated this disease with the help of certain antidepressants, and you, without consulting a doctor, somehow get a prescription for this drug and start taking pills in the hope that you will also help this remedy. But remember: panic attacks are very diverse and highly individual, and what helped one person, another can only harm. There is a huge number of medications that are used in the fight against panic attacks, and each drug has its own side effects, contraindications, peculiarities of tolerance, etc. Also, everything may depend on the stage and strength of manifestation of panic attack attacks. You can independently cope with the attacks of fear, but the main symptoms of this problem will remain, such as high blood pressure, tremors, difficulty breathing, etc. Therefore, it is better to consult a doctor as soon as possible: find a good, proven specialist and follow his recommendations. There is no universal pill for panic disorder!

— Refuse psychotherapy.

Proper panic attack treatment combines medication and psychotherapy. In fact, most of our problems come from our heads. And the anecdote that all diseases are from nerves, a person who finds himself in a similar situation, no longer seems funny. Therefore, to get rid of panic attacks in the first place need to find their cause.

Not everyone manages to cope with this independently.

As a rule, the basis for panic attacks is psychotraumatic event, for example, emotional shock. The psyche tries to cope with this. And for this it has two months. If, after two months, the person is still immersed in negative memories of the event that traumatized the psyche, then this draws him into a consistently negative emotional state.

This is called traumatic flashbacks or, in other words, flashbacks. If a flashback occurs, it is the first indication that there is some kind of psychological trauma. And in this case, the earlier specialised medical and psychological help was provided, the more favourable the prognosis for the development of personality. Otherwise, there is a high probability of neuroses, personal and professional disintegration: a person works worse, there are various personal changes in the traumatic type, alcoholism and drug addiction can also occur. Psychologists and psychotherapists are engaged in the treatment of these disorders. Pills help here, but only at the chemical level: if there is a focus of excitation in the brain, the pill inhibits it at the level of chemical components. If there is a pill, there is calmness. However, there is such a concept as “tolerance’ — the body gets used to a certain dose of the active substance. Today a pill works well, but tomorrow it will be not enough and you will need one and a half pills, and very soon two, three, etc. Thus, there is a dependence on medical preparations, i.e. pills work, but ineffectively. We need special psychotherapeutic methods and technologies that allow us to remove negative memories. Not to erase — because the memories are no longer destructive, but to remove excessive concentration on them.

— Cancel antidepressants and neuroleptics without a doctor`s order.

As for the time of treatment, everything is also strictly individual. Some people need a couple of months and forget it as a terrible dream, and some people need a long course of medication to restore the nervous system.

— Ignore panic attacks.

Such behavior can lead to a sharp deterioration of the condition and is fraught with unpredictable consequences. If not acted upon in time, panic attack syndrome can develop into panic disorder.

— Trying to cope alone.

— Being ashamed of your problem.

People often think that if someone finds out about their unreasonable fears, they will think they are crazy, so they hide their problems from everyone for a long time, thus making the situation worse.

— Seeking salvation in alcohol.

Many people suffering from panic attacks try to relieve anxiety and nervous tension with alcohol, which only worsens the condition and is fraught with the emergence of more serious pathologies.

— Despair.

Hundreds of patients around the world have been able to get rid of panic attacks forever and return to a full life.

More than anything else in the world I wanted to become a normal person again. How silly I used to be, worrying about a few pounds or a missed event! Now it all seemed so silly that it would be funny if it didn`t make me despair.

***

On the next weekend we were going to have a corporate retreat in the suburbs of Moscow on the occasion of the tenth anniversary of the founding of the company. That’s all everyone in the office was talking about. I was so upset I could cry that I couldn’t join, but I couldn’t take that risk. I could not know how would I behave, especially next to Nikita. Now I had to live my life without anyone realizing what was really happening to me.

Usually so long-awaited Saturday and Sunday passed in anguish. I was waiting for the weekend to end, as if I had a premonition that something was wrong. On Monday, lowering her eyes, Veronica told me about Nikita`s new affair with Yulia — a long-legged vulgar blonde from HR. I didn`t want to believe my ears. Not even a month had passed since our breakup, which I had endured so hard, and he had already taken a new mistress. (To tell the truth, I`d never liked this girl, but we had different tastes, as it turned out.) My breathing became more labored, my temples began to throb again. I could not imagine my life without him, and he`d forgotten me so easily and quickly found a new fool! I wanted to run away from the office and never go back to see those two, but I could not afford it.

At first, I almost cried at the reception desk, but I quickly pulled myself together and decided that I would not give them the opportunity to enjoy my knockout. Then came aggression. I wanted to break into the bastard`s office and turn it upside down.

When the anger subsided and the emotions stopped raging, there was an emptiness inside. I`d dreamed for so long that Nikita would be mine alone, but instead I`d been stabbed in the back before I could recover from our breakup. I could not forget his words, which he said when our relationship was in its infancy: “If you fall in love — leave”, “I can`t understand my feelings”, “I`m attached to you”, “I love you…”

All day long, I was getting stares from my colleagues as if I had a sign on my forehead that said, “I`ve been traded for someone else”. I felt like a contestant on a reality show that everyone was watching, and it annoyed me terribly. Some people looked at me with pity, others with judgement and snide remarks. I didn`t know which was worse. I tried to ignore them and pretended all day that nothing had happened, but at night I could not sleep, aching with heartache because I could not accept the betrayal.

When I woke up, I went straight to church (which, to my shame, I did rarely) to ask God for help to get out of the hole I had driven myself into. I could not do it alone.

The thought of Nikita being with another woman made me want to kill

myself. After all, I was literally picking myself to pieces, trying to get back to life, and he was already spinning a new romance, as if there had never been anything between us. I realized that he hardly thought about me, he didn`t care at all about the torment he was causing me with his behavior. Sometimes I felt as if I were about to die of grief, and no one would ever understand what was going on inside me. I was pounding with pain, and each wave was stronger than the last. I wished the whole world to leave me in peace and let me be alone with myself. I`d wasted four years with a man who didn`t care about my feelings, for whom I was just another distraction

***

Yulia became Nikita`s new “official mistress’ and the whole office was discussing it. As they say, nature abhors a vacuum. I tried to abstract myself from the conversations and gossip, but it was difficult. Every night I howled with resentment and jealousy, but at work I showed complete equanimity (as far as it was possible in my situation). I decided to learn to live with my new condition and almost accepted the fact that I would no longer have my old life.

By that time I had already realized that you don`t die from panic attacks. But the fear of death was replaced by a new fear of looking inadequate for the people around. I learnt to recognize the approach of attacks by the first symptoms, but I could not understand their cycle. Panic attacks came at me in different places and under different circumstances, and they were always sudden. I began to leave my home less and less often, and my contact with people was greatly reduced.

I blamed myself for my longing for Nikita, but, unfortunately, you can`t get rid of feelings in one moment. I almost hated him for all the pain he had caused me, but at the same time I still missed him. In the back of my mind I still wanted him to call, to apologize, to say he was sorry and that it would never happen again… But he didn`t call, and I knew that everything that was happening then was right.

“Sometimes I wish he`d just come over and give me a hug”, I confided to Veronica one day as we walked to the metro station together.

“I know, but it`s all made up and it only exists in your head. It`s not like that. And he doesn`t exist as you imagine in reality. He`s just a womanizer and a master of the art of the bait-and-switch.”

“Yeah…”

“He`s not worth your tears and he`s not worth you gasping for breath at night!

Let him have his way with whoever he wants. You don`t have to worry about that.”

I could tell how I`d behave if he wanted me back again. I`d have the strength not to go along with him if he did anything to make it happen. But he didn`t. And he didn`t respond to me in any way at all, which made it easier while making me even more miserable. I was resentful and angry not so much at him, but at myself.

How stupid and weak I`d been to face the inevitable.

***

The next morning something happened that had never happened before.

I was on my way to work by the underground as usual. Suddenly, I had trouble breathing, felt nauseous, and had a stabbing pain in my heart. In a panic I sat on the floor, leaned against the door and started crying. People looked at me like I was crazy, and I could understand them. When the doors opened at the next station, I stood up abruptly, pushed the girl in front of me, and stormed out of the carriage.

I didn`t remember how I managed to get up to the street, hail a taxi, and get to work. When I finally came to my senses, I was shocked by what had happened. Every day I was becoming more and more inadequate and dangerous to society, and realizing this was a blow below the belt.

After that incident, the underground became a forbidden place for me. I was afraid to even think about entering it. So, then I could only get around the city normally on foot or by taxi. Public transport and my own car were also beyond me.

REFERENCE

Agoraphobia (ICD–10 classification of mental disorders: F40.0) is.

A. A distinct and persistent fear of, or desire to avoid, at least two of the following situations:

— being in the midst of a large crowd;

— being in a public place;

— travelling alone;

— travelling outside the home.

Б. Significant emotional distress (stress that has a negative effect on the body, disorganizing a person`s activities and behavior) due to a desire to avoid any of the situations described above or one of the symptoms of anxiety (with the patient being aware that these symptoms are excessive or unreasonable).

В. The occurrence of anxiety symptoms exclusively or predominantly in or at the thought of fear-inducing situations.

Agoraphobia is a fear that is accompanied by strong somatic manifestations.

This fear is provoked by certain places and circumstances:

— vast open spaces (squares);

— places actively frequented by people (catering outlets, shops);

— crowded events (concerts, sporting events);

— mass gatherings of people (queues, transport);

— public speaking;

— conversely, deserted places (fear of being left without help).

I spent so much time trying to believe that my current condition would soon pass. Reassured myself that I was stressed a lot, which was the only reason. I reassured myself that I needed to be patient for a while… However, it worsened to the point where my existence became a torture. The rest of my life was now in danger. I could no longer work properly or even go to the office.

That day I realized that I could not go any further. I urgently needed help, and it was stupid to deny it. In the evening, I opened my laptop and typed into the Yandex search box: “Psychotherapists in Moscow’.

***

I sat in the doctor`s office and thought that this was exactly how I had imagined psychotherapy sessions: a comfortable sofa, a purple chair, potted flowers and light-colored walls. The doctor looked well-groomed and confident. A brunette, she seemed to be no more than forty.

We started the consultation. The questions were standard: what happened, why I came, what was bothering me. I told her about my problem. Then we talked about what I do, who I work for, and why I am still single. I initially prepared myself for the fact that this is where we would stop, so I tried to explain everything in detail and told her about how I had experienced a painful breakup with a married man, not forgetting to list all the “charms’ of the role of a mistress. I assumed that this was the reason for the panic attacks and constant anxiety, as it was a very difficult period in my life:

“…the real hell that I wanted to forget, and as soon as possible.”

“So why did you two break up?”

I was surprised by this question as, in my opinion, everything was very clear. However, despite my discontent, I calmly answered:

“I was not satisfied with the format of the relationship. I realized that with all my love for this man, we probably had no future, but I had been living in selfdeception for too long.”

“But why did you realize it at that exact moment? When you entered this relationship, you didn`t realize it?”

“I fell in love and I hoped he`d leave his wife.”

“Did he promise you that?”

“Yes, repeatedly, and I really wanted to believe what he said. But the longer our affair lasted, the more I became aware that he had no intention to change anything. But I continued to live in my illusions.”

“Did it hurt you, because you probably wanted a family and children? Do you think about him?”

Then I could not bear it, and tears came out of my eyes.

Hell, yes, do. A lot more often than I`d like. There wasn`t a day that I didn`t think about Nikita. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, it was useless.

“Every day”, I answered honestly.

“Do you blame yourself for your decision?”

“Of course not. I really could not forget him yet, and I won`t hide it. But I don`t regret our breakup. It was a road to nowhere. It was bound to get worse. I realized I had to choose between him and my own health. And I chose the latter.”

“But you were still suffering and depressed, weren`t you?”

“Yes, I was. It was very difficult for me, and it was exacerbated by my physical condition. The panic attacks prevented me from living, working and going out normally, i.e. going through the breakup like all normal people do. Frankly, I still haven`t recovered from it. Yes, my wound still rankles but that shouldn`t stop me from moving on. I`ve started a new chapter of my life, without him. I don`t have another man, because I`m not ready for that yet, and I have a lot of other issues in my life besides personal relationships. So now it`s really easier for me to be alone.”

Afterwards, the therapist got up from her seat and gave me a look like I had no choice but to hang myself in this office right now.

“What are you talking about? What new chapter? You`re sitting in a therapist`s office in tears! You`re trying to hide in your problems and your cases. You`re afraid to make new connections because your pain is still alive. And that`s the reason for everything. Stop lying to yourself!”

I‘ve never felt so worthless in my life. Such a worthless loser. Tears came with renewed vigor. Everything I`d worked so hard to build over the past few months, the wall I`d painstakingly constructed between myself and the past, this woman had mercilessly destroyed in a matter of minutes. And the last phrase she uttered finally broke me:

“So you knew from the beginning that this man was not free, but you entered into this relationship?”

“Yes. That happened. I`ve already said that I hoped he would leave his wife. Our affair spun too fast and I didn`t notice how I started to need this man. It was very hard for me to give him up because of my strong feelings…”

I was ashamed of myself. She humiliated me with her words, even though I knew she was right and I had nothing to say. So, I tolerated it and swallowed the offence in silence. If I told her everything that had happened between us for several years, she would definitely immediately hospitalize me in a psychiatric ward. I didn`t say another word: I bit my lip to stop a new flow of tears and counted the minutes until the appointment was over. As soon as the time was up, I took the prescription for a neuroleptic and did not hesitate to leave the office.

I was angry, devastated, humiliated and crushed. Not even because the therapist spoke to me in a demeaning tone and devalued my achievements. No. It was just that I felt as if I had met not the therapist, but Nikita — face to face, something I had been avoiding so much lately. It was not a complete stranger but he, who told me: “You haven`t forgotten anything! Your whole life is just a game. You`ll never make it! You can never be happy without me. All your pathetic attempts are only laughable.”

When I went outside, the first thing I did was tear up the referral for the next counselling session and finally let myself burst into tears. I smoked two cigarettes in a row, drank half a bottle of mineral water, took a deep breath and only then felt relief. Then I wiped my tears and full of determination that I would continue to fight, went straight to the underground. I didn’t care that Nikita was still in charge of my thoughts. It didn`t mean the battle was lost.

I had to get through this, no matter how long it would take! I had earned the right to be happy and free from the mistakes of the past. I would still definitely have a loved one with whom I would never suffer and could make a strong family. Hundreds of couples broke up each day in the world, but those people found their new happiness. I wouldn`t let anyone ruin my life, no matter what it would cost me. I was going to get out of this hole and I was not going to set foot in that lady`s office again!

I bought the pills she prescribed, because I had no more strength to be in such a state. However, the expected relief did not come, moreover, I began to experience hallucinations from them.

My mood became worse than before. I could cry for hours on end and it was like I was in some other reality the whole time. Sometimes I felt so creepy that suicidal thoughts came into my head. After a few days, I decided to go back to my old medication. They might not be that effective, but at least they did not make me want to kill myself.

***

A fortnight later, when my condition became unbearable and my nervous breakdowns reached their peak, I stood in front of a building with a sign: “Clinic for Nervous Diseases’. However, I still could not accept and finally believe that I was there having brought myself to such a state. For some reason I only realized what was happening when I saw the signboard. It was as if a bucket of cold water had been poured on me, and the events of the past few months flashed before my eyes like slides of a film.

At first, I wanted to turn around and walk away, but I quickly pulled myself together. This was a real chance to get back to normal life.

I entered the clinic, went up to the third floor and waited for the doctor I had an appointment with to come out.

“There can be many reasons for panic attacks”, he said after hearing my story.

“In particular, it can be psychological traumas from childhood. It can even happen that a panic attack happens because of events that occurred during intrauterine development. Suppose that during pregnancy, the mother was afraid of something or had a strong anxiety. The child feels exactly the same as the mother: both fear and joy. Experienced emotions are imprinted in the brain, and later, at puberty or much later, when there is a risk factor that leads to panic attacks, and clinical manifestations begin: constant anxiety, fear, insomnia, fear of death. Sometimes it is not even clear what the person is actually afraid of, and when you ask him: ‘And what exactly are you afraid of?’, they are often unable to give a clear answer, saying, ‘I`m just scared, that`s all’.”

REFERENCE

Panic attacks are a kind of powerful subconscious buzzer: “Stop or it will be too late!”

Causes of panic attack syndrome:

— sudden stress (death of relatives, severe trauma, sudden life changes, accident);

— severe stress or mental trauma;

— systematic, prolonged stress;

— hormonal changes;

— taking hormonal drugs, abortions;

— menstrual irregularities;

— alcohol abuse;

— excessive physical exertion;

— childhood traumas, difficult relationships with parents;

— genetic factors;

— peculiarities of the endocrine system;

— diseases of internal organs;

— violation of the chemical balance of the organism;

— peculiarities of personality (moodiness, sensitivity, increased anxiety, negative attitudes).

By the end of the appointment, I had a referral for hospitalization in my hands:

“Diagnosis: Somatoform dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system. Chronic tension headaches. Episodic migraine without aura. Hyperventilation syndrome. Panic attacks.

At the time of examination complaints of periodic feeling of shortness of breath, palpitations, tingling pains in the chest area, unreasonable anxiety. She also complained of compressive headaches (up to 4 points on VAS, with varying frequency — up to 20—25 times a month; combined analgesics — up to 25 tablets a month), migraine headaches.

According to the patient`s words, during the last 2 months there was a feeling of shortness of breath, palpitations, tingling pains in the chest area, increased BP up to 160–110 mmHg.

Meningeal syndrome was negative. Eye slits: OD=OS. Pupils: D=S. Photoreactions are preserved on both sides. No hemianopsia. Vision is preserved. Arbitrary movements of the eyeballs in full. Hearing is preserved. No nystagmus. Face is symmetrical. Swallowing is intact. Tongue slightly deviates to the right. Muscle strength in the limbs — 5 points. Muscle tone is not significantly changed.

Tendon and periosteal reflexes are high, with expansion of reflexogenic zones. Knee and Achilles reflexes are symmetrical. Tendon reflexes from the hands: S=D. Jacobson – Lasko symptom on the left. No sensory disturbances were detected. Coordination tests perform satisfactorily. Pathological foot and hand signs are not revealed. She is stable in the Romberg pose. Dorsopathy of the cervical and lumbosacral spine: widespread osteochondrosis complicated by MPD protrusions C4–S5, L4–L5, L5–S1.

At the place of residence “Concor’ was prescribed, but there was no effect. The following was performed: MPA, venosinusography.

There were no data on AVM, aneurysm. Closed villous circle. No data on pathology of venous sinuses were obtained. On the background of “Mexidol’ and “Aphobazol’ she felt better, but after some time the symptoms appeared again.

Earlier she was examined and treated by a neurologist at the place of residence.

MRI of the brain: 7x2 mm liquor cyst in the area of basal nuclei, on the left side.

According to ultrasound of the thyroid gland: small nodule in the left lobe.

TTG+T4 total — normal.

Allergoanamnesis: penicillin — rash.

Chronic diseases: denies.

Neurological status: clearly conscious. She is accessible to productive contact, orientated on the place, in the surrounding environment. Criticism is preserved.”

So, with my own hands I brought myself to the clinic of nervous diseases. In my thirties.

CHAPTER 4. TIMEOUT

“If someone wishes for good health, one must first ask oneself if he is ready to do away with the reasons for his illness.

Only then is it possible to help him.”

Hippocrates

I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Just as psychiatric patients do in fiction films. In the clinic, I felt even more lonely and miserable, and I wanted to cry all the time.

I never thought I would live to see such shame. My loved ones had asked me so many times to spare my nerves and think about my health, but I was too busy with other problems. Now I was in a psychiatric hospital and I was very angry at myself for getting into this.

A young nurse came into the room and asked me how I was feeling. She seemed very friendly, and I forced myself to smile back:

“Frankly, I`ve been better.”

“We`re going to put a drip in now, we`ll treat your head. It`ll go away soon, you`ll see.”

I‘d heard phrases like that so many times that they made me nauseous. It seemed like it would never end and it would only get worse but I didn`t say it out loud. After all, it was part of her job to cheer up people like me and make them believe in the best and favorable outcome.

My neighbor in the ward Elena was a lovely woman in her fifties. She was suffering from terrible back pain. It was difficult for her to even sleep. After numerous examinations, the doctors disproved her fears about spinal problems and Bekhterev`s disease. According to MRI studies, everything was perfectly normal. So, after years of going to neurologists, she ended up in this hospital. I could not believe that the pains that do not allow a person to move normally can also be related to psychosomatics. I liked Elena right off the bat. She did not wail about the hardships of life and did not pester with idle talk, as many of those patients I met in the hall. Since in my condition I had no time for socializing, I was happy with her company.

After the evening pill I fell asleep instantly for the first time in a while without even waiting for bedtime. In the morning, the psychotherapist confirmed that I had panic attacks. He also diagnosed agoraphobia, sociophobia and depression. All in all, the whole package.

REFERENCE

Sociophobia (ICD-10 classification of mental disorders: F40.1) is a persistent irrational fear of performing any social activities (e.g., public speaking) or activities accompanied by the attention of strangers (fear of being on the street when people are looking at you, inability to do anything while being watched), or even of meeting and talking to strangers.

I was prescribed three types of antidepressants and had an educational talk about how to take care of my health and seek help in time. I listened to the simple lecture in silence and nodded my head obediently. Compared to my previous experience with a psychotherapist, this doctor seemed like a real angel.

Firstly, I refused to take antidepressants in such quantities, because I was afraid of the effects that the drugs might have on my mind but the doctor convinced me that I would not be able to cope otherwise because I had pushed the situation to the limit. This was the decisive factor in my choice. I had to try all options if they could help me to return to normal life, especially since I was already on the brink of death and was now in a place where I had no right to decide anything. All my previous decisions had led me here… I had to agree, and I hoped that the side effects of the drugs wouldn`t be fatal.

REFERENCE

Antidepressants: the correct prescription of these drugs noticeably improves the mental state of the patient, but in most cases, they have a number of side effects, such as nausea, drowsiness, allergic reactions, dry mouth, dizziness. Most often unpleasant sensations go away by themselves within 2–3 weeks from the beginning of the medication, otherwise the psychotherapist changes the drug to an analogue.

“Serotonin syndrome’ can also be a reaction of the body to the reception of antidepressants, although it is quite rare. It is characterized by the following symptoms:

— anxiety and increased nervousness;

— hallucinations, delusions, disturbances of consciousness;

— euphoria;

— stomach upset;

— insomnia;

— tachycardia;

— elevated body temperature;

— hot flashes;

— impaired coordination of movement; — epileptic seizures.

In case of occurrence of the above-described symptoms, you should immediately contact the attending physician and cancel the drug administration.

However, the surprises didn`t end there either. After the examination, the neurologist corrected the diagnosis with which I was admitted. Now it sounded as follows: “Vegetative dystonia syndrome with paroxysmal states in the form of panic attacks, hyperventilation syndrome. Asthenic syndrome. Chronic complex headache in the stage of exacerbation: cervicogenic headache, tension headache, abususus”.

REFERENCE

Tension headache (TTH) (ICD-10 classification of mental disorders: G44.2) is one of the most common forms of primary headache, manifested by pain episodes lasting from 30 minutes to several days.

Tension headache is divided into episodic — occurring no more than 15 days per month (or no more than 180 days per year) and chronic — occurring more than 15 days per month (more than 180 days per year).

Chronic tension headache is not treated with painkillers. They are not able to stop the attacks and slow down the recovery process.

Signs of TTH:

— duration of headache from 30 minutes to 7 days;

— usually occurs some time after waking up and persists throughout the day;

— constant, dull, pressing, squeezing, non – pulsating pain: the patient feels asif the head has been squeezed with a vise or hoop;

— the nature of the pain is unilateral or bilateral; pain sensations may movefrom the forehead to the parietal region;

— pain does not increase with physical exertion, but strongly depends onemotional stress;

— rarely accompanied by nausea, but causes weakness and loss of appetite;

— accompanied by neuroses, asthenic syndromes, panic attacks, depressionand insomnia.

TTH is often combined with abususus — abuse of symptomatic analgesic medications, which leads to the formation of a chronic character of headache.

If it is detected, the patient should stop taking the medication that provoked this complication.

In connection with this clarification of my condition, I was strictly forbidden to take painkillers, promising to compensate for their effect with drips and the effect that was to follow from taking antidepressants.

All this information was hard to wrap my head around. The diagnoses were increasing like a snowball, and my physical condition was not improving at all. On the contrary, with each passing hour it became more and more difficult for me to bear what was happening. By the end of the day I was ready to hit the roof because of the endless headache and began to understand what drug addicts feel when they experience withdrawal.

My hope for a restful sleep was also in vain. Even after taking a sedative, which had instantly put me to sleep the night before, I could not fall asleep and tossed from side to side. There was complete silence in the hall. My neighbor had long been asleep, and I was the only one who could not find any peace.

My thoughts about Nikita were coming back into my head. Despite the events that had happened over the past few months, somehow, I was sure that after finding out what had happened to me, he would come to the hospital. He would knock on my room and with guilty eyes say something like: “I was a fool, I`m sorry. Let`s start over, shall we? I can`t leave you in this situation!”

Nevertheless, he could…

I felt like an abandoned kitten. Helpless and redundant. That wasn`t true. My friends and family still needed me. He was the one who no longer needed me, and realizing that made me despair.

Any breakup is painful, especially if it involves betrayal and bitter disappointment. In my case, it was compounded by chronic illness. All the troubles converged at one point and poured down on me in a powerful waterfall. I realized that I had to endure this ordeal so that joy could return to my life. After a rough patch comes a good time, and I`ve seen it firsthand many times. Damn it, though, I had a very different idea of how things would unfold after our breakup. Accepting that things didn’t go according to my plan, to put it mildly, was probably the hardest thing for me.

For some reason, in the cinema, when the protagonist leaves her former lover and starts a new life, she’s been lucky in all her endeavors and on the horizon immediately appears some handsome man with whom she is sure to have a happy relationship. In reality, everything turned out to be “a little bit wrong’. I was lying on a hospital bed in a neurosis clinic with a whole list of prescribed antidepressants and tranquilizers, and Nikita continued to shuttle from his wife to his mistress and felt fine.

Did I regret my decision? No. In my situation it was the only right way out because nobody knew how my fate could have turned out if it had continued. It was quite possible that in the end I would have lost my mind or become a complete laughing stock in my own eyes. I had no doubts about the right thing to do. I preferred to get out of that unhealthy relationship, giving way to the future happiness, which one day was going to enter my life, but every day it was becoming more and more difficult under the circumstances to continue to believe in the bright prospects. I wanted so much for everything to fall into place as soon as possible and for harmony to return to my life.

***

On the third day of my voluntary detention, the nurse took me for an MRI scan of my brain vessels, and then the unimaginable began. As soon as they put me in the research capsule, I was short of breath. I tried to take a normal breath and mentally repeated memorized phrases: “Everything is fine, nothing will happen to me, nothing threatens me’. However, the affirmations were drowned out by a terrible panic, and with each passing second it came on more and more. I wanted to scream, but I could not make a sound out of fear.

It is hard to say how many minutes I spent in this hell before I remembered about the emergency bag, that I was given in my hand when I was immersed in the machine, and started to press it with all my might. Finally, I was taken out of the examination area the same way I had been sent there, and I was “free’. I was shaking, gasping for breath and covered in cold sweat from head to toe. The laboratory assistant tried to bring me to my senses, advising me to breathe slowly on my stomach and count to ten.

It took me a long time to return to an adequate state, and when I finally managed to calm down, I flatly refused to repeat this experiment and ran out of the office.

For the rest of the day I could not get rid of my inner anxiety. Only in the evening it began to recede, and I was able to relax a little.

That night I had horrible nightmares that never seemed to end. I was running away from maniacs, escaping from a sinking ship, and always trying to find shelter. For some reason Zhenka didn`t come to my rescue this time, like in that dream with the ravine. When I was woken up at seven in the morning for a blood test, my heart was pounding so hard that for the first few minutes I was even afraid to move.

I spent the whole day in bed with no idea what to be distracted by. My head ached mercilessly, and the injections saved me for a while. Panic attacks recurred periodically, leaving me exhausted. I wanted to blame others for my misery. Nikita for not giving me certainty and slowly killing my psyche. My boss for overworking me. My parents for putting too much on me, and I was afraid from childhood not to live up to their expectations, afraid to be worse than people thought of me. People around me for not realizing the pain I was hiding behind my smile and laughter. Traffic jams, passers-by on the streets, colleagues, clients and neighbors. Basically, anyone to avoid taking responsibility for what happened.

After my constant complaints of headaches and sleep problems, I was made an appointment to see a physical therapist.

The pretty woman doctor calmly listened to my hysterics and promised to try to alleviate my current torment.

“I will appoint you a procedure ‘Electrosleep’, after which sleep is usually normalized, and the headache stops. It improves brain function, increases blood flow to the brain. In general, ‘Electrosleep’ has a positive effect on the general psychological state. During the procedure, there is an impact on the vessels and nerve receptors with a special device that delivers current impulses, as a result of which the patient is immersed in artificial sleep. In addition, I will prescribe you oxygen cocktails and pearl salt baths in the form of a Jacuzzi.”

That same afternoon, I was referred for my first electrosleep treatment. I was taken to a darkened room and asked to lie down on a couch covered with a sheet. A special mask was put on my face, to which electrodes were connected. When the laboratory assistant switched on the apparatus, a charge of current began to flow through them, at first very weak, then a little stronger. I didn`t feel any discomfort or pain, just a slight tingling sensation on my skin. It was very unusual, and I can say that it was even pleasant. After a few minutes, I began to drift off to sleep, and I didn`t notice that I had passed out.

When the nurse gently shook me by the shoulder, I opened my eyes and was surprised to find that I had slept for half an hour. I hadn`t dreamt anything, but I felt as if I had woken up from a normal healthy sleep. I felt rested and alert. This result pleased me, so I thanked the doctor sincerely and immediately made an appointment for the week ahead.

The rest of the day was spent running around the doctor`s examinations, and by the evening I was so exhausted that I fell asleep almost immediately, which was a small victory.

***

I asked my closest people not to waste time visiting the hospital, but someone visited me every day anyway. My friends and family were worried about me and felt that I needed their support. More and more often I thought that I was very lucky to have them, and that was the only bright spot in the situation.

The news that I was hospitalized in a clinic for nervous diseases shocked Veronica the most. A few days after the hospitalization, despite my assurances that everything was fine, she came to me with balloons and full bags of groceries. Yet the pills I was taking were making me nauseous, so I refused to eat, which made her even angrier:

“Look what he has done to you! You are lying in the hospital with a nervous disorder, you have depression and a lot of different phobias”, my friend was indignant. “And all this because of some Nikita! It`s just incomprehensible!”

“Well, let`s put it this way: It`s not so much his fault as my own stupidity. But you are certainly right about one thing”.

“I want to see you in good health and good spirits. You are the Master of what you feel and think! You have headaches because you are cornered in this situation! Get rid of it! Imagine how much more we have ahead of us. We will go on holiday, Artem will introduce you to some of his friends, a completely different life will begin.”

She and her husband always tried setting me up with someone, and I had already stopped paying attention. Everyone around me were making attempts to fix my personal life. However, my head was still dominated by one man.

After saying goodbye to my friend, I went to auto-training. It had been recommended to me by my ward mate, who went every day and said that her anxiety had been greatly reduced as a result.

There was complete silence in the auditorium, the lights were off. Almost all the chairs were already occupied, although there were still a few minutes before the session was due to start. I went to a free seat, sat down and switched off my phone. Soon a man in a white coat, whom I had never seen there before, entered the room. He greeted the group and began to speak in a monotone voice. I closed my eyes and prepared to listen to every word.

“Place your feet on the floor, toes pressed against the floor. Raise your heels. Feel the tension in your calves. Lower your feet to the floor. Feel relaxed.

Lift your legs forward, pull your toes out and breathe deeply. Feel the tension in your thigh muscles. Lower. The legs are completely relaxed, a pleasant warmth spreads over them.

Move your attention to your torso. Tense the abdominal muscles: inhale and relax, exhale and tense. Relax your abdominal muscles and take a deep breath.

Exhale as deeply as you can. Pull in your abdomen — you’ve released the tension. Calm, even breathing. The abdomen is relaxed.

Tense the side muscles: take a deep breath and turn the torso to the right feel the tension on the left side. Return to starting position and exhale. Take a deep breath and turn your torso to the left. Exhale and sit up straight.

To tighten the shoulder girdle muscles, bring your hands in front of you at chest level. Take a deep breath and bring your shoulder blades together. You will feel the muscle tension. Breathe out slowly. Arch your back, take a deep breath and feel the tension in your lower back. Exhale and relax. Your body is completely relaxed.

Now shift your attention to relaxing your arms. Clench your right hand into a fist. Feel the tension. Release this tension one at a time, starting with your little fingers, then your ring, middle, index and thumb. Gently shake your hand and calmly place it on your knees. Now make a fist with your left hand. You can feel the muscle tension. Gradually release the tension: relax the little finger, ring finger, index finger, middle finger and thumb. Shake your hand and place it on your knees.

Clench your hands, tense them and bring them to your shoulders, feel the tension. Lower your hands.

Lean back from the chair and bring your hands to your shoulders. Start to rotate them forwards, then backwards. Your arms are completely relaxed and warm up to your shoulders. Your arms, torso and legs are completely relaxed.

Focus your attention on the cervical spine. Tilt your head forward, back to the starting position. Back, straight, right, left, right, straight. Make a few turns of the head from side to side. The neck muscles are relaxed. Put your head on the back of the chair, you can lean it on your chest. The back of your head and neck are relaxed.

Tensing face muscles: frowning, bringing brows together, closing jaw, closing eyes. Feel the tension in the facial muscles and then release it. The face relaxes. Feel it getting warm as it relaxes. Your face is still, like in a dream. Wrinkles have smoothed out, you have released tension and remembered something pleasant.

Tense your eye muscles: turn your eyeballs up, down, left, right. Look far away, bring them to the tip of your nose, turn them clockwise, anti-clockwise. Tension released. The eye muscles are completely relaxed. Breathe in deeply and exhale calmly and slowly.

Mentally repeat after me: “My attention is focused on my face, the muscles of my body and face are completely relaxed. The muscles of my forehead, eyebrows, eyelids are relaxed. My forehead is calm, serene, my eyelids cover my eyes easily and calmly. The muscles of the neck, chin, wings of the nose are relaxed. My teeth are unclenched, my lower jaw slumped slightly under its own weight. The muscles of my face are completely relaxed. My face is calm, still.” Deeply inhale and exhale: “The muscles of my neck, shoulder girdle, forearms, hands are relaxed. The muscles in my arms are completely relaxed.” Try to feel a slight pulsation in your fingertips. “The muscles of my chest, back, abdomen, buttocks, thighs, shins are relaxed. Warmth flows pleasantly down my legs. All the muscles of my body are completely relaxed.

My body is heavy, still, calm. I am sinking more and more into relaxation. My whole body from head to toe is covered with calmness, I feel good and pleasant to be in this state. Every cell of my body is at rest. Nothing disturbs me and nothing bothers me. I am resting and relaxing. My body becomes heavy, my heart beats rhythmically, my breathing is even, as in a dream. I rest and enjoy the pleasant music. I feel very good to be in a state of calm, relaxation and rest. I am completely immersed in relaxation.

I do not feel the weight of my body, it is like a cloud floating in the blue sky. I experience only peace. My body is full of energy and refreshed.

Now I would like to calm myself down. I am distracted from all the things that worry me. All the worries and anxious thoughts are gone. There is only peace and relaxation for me. I am calm, completely calm. I feel like falling asleep and I feel so sweet and languid. With each session my confidence in myself and my affairs grows. I learn to control myself and my emotions. I feel rested and calm. My head feels fresh and my body feels light and alert.”

The relaxation ends. Take a deep breath, raise your arms and stretch with pleasure. Exhale, open your eyes and smile.”

After the training, I felt surprisingly calmer. When I got back to the ward, I downloaded relaxing meditations onto my phone and decided to listen to them before going to bed.

***

At my next appointment with the psychotherapist, we talked about my breakup with Nikita and how I felt about it. The feelings that had been deep inside me all this time clearly needed to come out. I saw this as the root of my problem, so I plucked up the courage to tell it like it was.

“I hate him”, I confessed. “I gave everything to this man, I did so much for him! He could at least have chosen words and explained himself to me in a human way.”

“In your case, anger was inevitable. It seems that you have only recently come out of shock, because until then your physical condition did not even allow you to grieve. This is a natural and inherent reaction to a break-up, but unfortunately it is usually followed by apathy and sadness. You just have to get over it. One more thing: you know that no one forced you to do anything for him, right? It was just your wish.”

“Fine, then. But did our relationship mean anything to him if he could just cut me out of his life and replace me with another woman? I can`t even talk about it! And he doesn`t think about how I survived all this, where I am, what`s wrong with me… He hasn`t even asked about my health, as if we were complete strangers!”

“Alisa, but that’s the way it is, isn`t it? You are strangers now and each of you is on your own path. You broke up and it was your choice. You asked him to leave you alone, so why are you surprised?”

“I realize now that I just wanted to scare him. To make him realize that he could lose me forever and finally leave his wife. I was hoping that he would try to get me back”, I said openly for the first time, confessing the real reason why I wanted to leave him.

“You see, men are different. It is very difficult for them to decide to make serious changes, even though deep down they want to. If you give them an ultimatum, they are quick to retreat. Your relationship was doomed to failure because it played out according to a predetermined scenario. This will be a lesson for you in the future. Take it this way, and it will be easier for you to get over your tragedy.”

“Now everyone in the office is talking about his new affair and my fiasco. I don’t even know how to look him in the eye.”

“Don’t worry about what he thinks or says. It is no longer your business. Focus on yourself, not him. You gave him a choice, he made it. He chose himself, not you! It is time you learned to choose yourself. Cutting off all contact with this man is your chance to get back to normal as soon as possible and get rid of the pain that is haunting you. Think about my words. I hope they will lead you to the right decision…”

I wandered the hospital corridors, thinking about my conversation with the therapist. The doctor was right: I had made this decision on my own, which meant I had to stick with it to the end.

“Do you promise we`ll get through this?”, I wrote to Kira.

“I assure you. Pretty soon you won`t even remember being in that hospital and taking antidepressants!”, she answered.

At that moment I wanted to believe those words more than ever. Sometimes I wished God had given me a character like my best friend. She never worried about anything for long and was always able to switch gears. I liked her attitude to life: she took everything for granted and adapted to the situation. I never saw her suffer because of a man. As she always said, “there are millions of others in the world who deserve more than the one who didn’t work out”. Now I had to learn that too, but until then I had little faith in my success.

In the morning I woke up completely exhausted. I felt dizzy, either because I hadn`t eaten much or because I hadn`t slept well again. The evening pills had helped me fall asleep quickly, but I kept waking up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, unable to find my place.

When I came back from breakfast I was surprised to see that a new girl, Kamila, had been moved into our room. She looked very young, about twenty. Although it was difficult to be sure about her appearance: her hair and forehead were covered by a scarf, and she was wearing a long, loose, floor-length dress. It turned out that she was a Chechen and had come from Grozny for treatment, which explained her strange clothes and complete lack of make-up.

I asked her what diagnosis she had been admitted with, but when I heard the answer, I regretted my question. Kamila was suspected of having multiple sclerosis. The MRI scan showed some “spots’ that could be considered plaques. She also had all the symptoms of the early stages of the disease.

REFERENCE

Multiple sclerosis (ICD-10 disease classification: G35–G37) is a chronic progressive disease of the nervous system characterized by the formation of foci of destruction of the nerve sheath in the brain and spinal cord.

The first signs of multiple sclerosis are:

— severe fatigue;

— unusual sensations on the skin (tingling or numbness);

— vision problems;

— sudden balance problems, unsteadiness when walking;

— nystagmus (uncontrolled oscillatory movement of the eyeballs);

— sensory disturbances;

— movement disorders;

— pelvic organ dysfunction (urgency, increased or delayed urine and stool);

— decreased intelligence, slow thinking;

— emotional disorders;

— headache;

— muscle pain; — spinal pain.

I could not imagine how it was possible to get such a terrible disease at that age (in fact, my new neighbor was twenty-seven). However, the doctors explained that it was a “disease of the young’ and was usually diagnosed before the age of forty. I remembered the shock of hearing this diagnosis for the first time at an appointment with the therapist I had seen for headaches at the beginning of my “epic’, and I could well imagine what was going on in Kamila`s head. But she was doing well. She was probably hoping with all her heart that this monstrous suspicion would turn out to be a mistake. Until the results of her examination came in, I intended to support her in every way I could.

By lunchtime we were chatting as if we had known each other for a long time. Kamila was very open and outgoing. Such a touching, sincere and pure girl. When you looked at her, she seemed to come from another world. Several times a day, Kamila would put a special mat on the floor, put on a burqa and pray. She explained to us that it was an obligatory ritual for her people to bow down before the Almighty. I did not understand whether this was a consequence of her nationality or her upbringing, but I had a clear sympathy for her and an inexplicable desire to be open.

“You know”, my new friend said when I told her my story, “despite everything you have been through, I envy you a little…”

“Are you kidding? What`s there to be jealous of?”

“I don`t even know what love is. I was married at seventeen. My husband chased me for a long time, but I never liked him. He was not my type. Then one day he came with his friends, put me in the car and took me to his house. We call that stealing. That is how I became his wife. I am not happy with him. In the ten years we lived together, I was not happy one single day.

He has a very difficult character, that`s why he doesn`t stay long in any job, it`s all wrong for him. I am used to him raising his hand to me. According to our laws, this is considered normal but if a woman hits a man, he can kill her. A woman has no right to fight with a man, and disobeying this rule allows murder.

I am a biologist by profession. Immediately after graduating, I was offered a job where I could build a good career but my husband told me not to even think about it. He only let me work as a kindergarten teacher because there are no men there. Lately his unreasonable jealousy has gone beyond all limits…

Two months ago I moved in with my parents because I can`t be near him anymore. It`s not life, it`s torture. He writes, calls, asks me to come back. He says we can work things out. But I have heard it a dozen times. Just empty words…”

“Why did you not divorce?”

“A marriage can only be dissolved at the request of the husband. A woman cannot initiate a divorce, nothing depends on her. If the husband tells his wife three times that he wants to divorce her, even if it is only in jest, then he no longer has the right to approach her and from that moment on she is considered free. But if he did not, she would live as long as he wanted. Even until he dies. Nevertheless, many men do it, and some do it openly.”

“Do you have children?”

“We have two sons, aged seven and ten. Now I live only for them. Unfortunately, after we separated, they stayed with him. It is our custom for children to stay with their father after a divorce. I know he doesn’t want them. He is just manipulating them to get me to come back to him. I am afraid of this disease. I do not know how to live my life but I believe that all suffering and sickness is given to us for a reason. In the other world, where we all go after death, we will be rewarded for it. So, I have to go through this ordeal with honor, no matter how it ends.”

“What a horror!”, I could no longer keep quiet and hide my feelings, “Poor women!”

“You`re wrong. We have families who live very well. It all depends on the man. My dad is a wonderful man. He has never once in his life raised his hand on my mum or on us, his children. He still carries my mum in his arms. I have never heard them quarrel or shout. When I go to the market and see a husband-and-wife shopping together, him helping her carry heavy bags, I envy those women. I never had that. My husband was always dissatisfied with everything, shouting, insulting, abusing, lashing out and humiliating me.”

“What are you going to do next?”

“I`m not going back to him, no matter what. I won`t have a life next to him, and I`ll get sick eventually. Even if I`m healthy now. I can`t relax in his house, I`m always on edge. I live only for my children. I`m grateful to Allah for them. They`re the meaning of my life.

My aunt didn`t have kids because Allah didn’t want her to. She was expecting twin boys. She had a husband and a good life. But the labor didn`t go to plan — the babies were stillborn. The doctors managed to save her life, but barely. They performed an emergency operation and removed her uterus. That same day, she found out she`d never be able to get pregnant again. It was the worst thing that could have happened.

Her husband left her right away. He didn`t even come to the hospital once after he found out. He didn`t explain in a way that made sense why he could not live without children, didn`t support her, didn`t help her. He got hitched to another lady pretty quickly, and my aunt never tied the knot. All her life, she lived next door to us, her nephews, and gave us all of herself. She`s a kind, caring, good person. Even our neighbors have taken her in like family and call her to visit all the time. I don`t know why she`s being treated like this.

I have kids, and that`s what matters most to me. I`ll make sure they live with me. In any case, whether it`s in court or not. I think he`ll give them to me soon, though. They`re just a hassle for him. He`s never been involved with them. The kids are just a way for him to exert control over me. He knows that boys need a mother, and the time we spend together at the weekends is just not enough. I`m sure that will be sorted out in the near future.”

I was pretty blown away by what she told me. It turns out that everything I had seen in oriental films was true. And even though we`re in the twenty-first century, they still live by some ancient laws. It`s pretty bad. They treat women worse than dogs. They basically get to do whatever they want, and they take away their wives’ freedom completely.

I always thought that every person comes into our lives for a reason. If this girl with all her problems was able to gather the courage to leave her husband, I should be ashamed to feel sorry for myself and shed tears for Nikita. I could not afford to waste my life on this “Santa Barbara’ and now I was ready to do everything to leave it in the past. From now on, I don`t need to cling to anything to stay in my usual comfort zone.

***

From that day on, something changed inside me. I no longer felt the same way about Nikita. It was as if I was looking at my life from a different angle and realizing that, in fact, I was a happy person. The main thing I have is freedom of choice. I can decide how I look, what job I get, who I marry, how I behave and with whom I communicate…

Unfortunately, Kamila had no reason to be happy. The next morning, they did a puncture to confirm or deny the preliminary diagnosis. The poor girl was stuck in bed for several days, unable to walk or sit. We brought her food in bed, but she wouldn`t eat. She was too sick to even eat because of the headache. She had to drink about five liters of water a day to replace the fluid in her spinal cord. The worst part was that it took ten days to get the test results. And the rest of her life would depend on it.

After witnessing and hearing about the experiences of others, I felt ashamed to complain about my migraine and panic attacks. Compared to the distress caused by the suspicion of Kamila`s illness, my situation seemed relatively minor. By the end of my first week in the clinic, the antidepressants had apparently started to work, and I felt noticeably better. After several attempts, the doctors finally found a dose of medication that did not cause nausea, dizziness, or other adverse effects. The frequency of my headaches decreased, and my sleep became less restless. The frequency of my panic attacks decreased, and I learned to cope with them. I no longer experienced respiratory distress or required half a day to recover from each attack. I was uncertain as to the specific cause of this improvement, but I was pleased with the result.

Furthermore, I continued to receive psychotherapy from a qualified professional:

“How are you feeling now? Are the headaches still an issue?”