Бесплатный фрагмент - Philosophy of Women's Love

Philosophy of Women’s Love

Wherever you go in search of truth, eventually you will turn to your own road.

My way to psychology began in my youth, but in the 80s of the 20th century this science was accessible only to a few people in the central cities of Russia. After finishing school I received my philological degree, and after some years of searching for myself, I still came to psychology. The impetus for this event was the creation of my authoring program «Psychology of Success», which was easily sold on the shelves of bookstores. Life itself demanded the topicality of the theme. The next step was to enter Tomsk State University in the Department of Psychology. Psychology took over my head for good. Gaining experience in various organizations and social spheres, I became a practicing psychologist with a long experience, where achieving success and harmony in life are still a driving force for me. My motto: «Life is given to man for development and happiness». Not only have I had the experience of working with all age groups of people, but also the pleasure of teaching psychology. One can learn about oneself and life endlessly, and most importantly one can manage one’s own life. And when you understand this, you get a real thrill. I am constantly enriching my professional experience with new knowledge, but I pay special attention to the study of the emotional sphere and building strategies for one’s own life, which determines the success of an individual. I like to work with metaphorical maps and art therapy methods.

My consultations are more often with female and adolescent audiences, a little less time is spent on family conflicts. The underlying theme in almost every problem is love: for myself, for my partner, for my own child, the priority of values, sacrifice and passion of desires.

I believe that anyone can find their own happiness in life, you just need to believe in yourself and learn to trust yourself.

Thanks to my professional activity I have accumulated a very interesting and diverse material of life situations, passionate experiences, difficult achievements of emotional maturity. All this led to an irresistible desire to share my acquisition with the reading audience, and to try to bring to everyone the main point — the peculiarity of women’s emotional perception of love relationships, the view of a man and personal sacrifice that brings inner desolation.

This is a series of true stories based on real events. The names of the characters have been changed, but the storyline corresponds to reality. Here are typical scenarios from the lives of different women, their worldviews and points of view on situations. The peculiarity of women’s emotional perception is very different from that of men, which is exactly what affects the gender differences in behavior. The existing difficulties in mutual understanding between people make it very difficult to build trust and delineate the measure of responsibility. Isn’t that why we often confuse falling in love with true love, empty promises with mature responsibility? Interpretation of the stories encourages us to think about the ways of harmonious behavior that directly affect the quality of life.

As a practicing psychologist and author of emotional-life stories, I wanted to emphasize the difference in gender perception, the intimate, close relationship between partners, to emphasize the cause-and-effect relationship of thoughts and actions. After all, the main problem of relationships is the ability to express feelings constructively, the ability to speak out and be heard, the ability to create an environmentally intimate relationship. Each of us wants to love and be loved, but does not know how to achieve it.

I hope that you will find it interesting to read, and that you will find a lot of informative things for yourself here. Perhaps you will see a story of your own life that will help you to look at personal situations from a different angle, to reevaluate the motives of your own actions and emotions.

A look from the inside

The institution of family and marriage has always meant a great deal to the Russian mentality. In Soviet times, only married people could hold high positions, travel freely abroad, and achieve career advancement. Domestic relations and «extramarital affairs» were not taken into account, but today theа situation has changed in the other direction. The freedom in relationships, the freedom to choose a partner, the absence of obligations and leverage have all greatly changed the meaning and quality of family life.

What to do if you have taken on the responsibility of living in a marriage but have not been able to keep the love alive? What if you love a married woman or man without a family of your own? In which role do you feel better: wife or mistress, husband or lover?

As the saying goes, «everyone has what they have,» but what to do about it… When it comes to married women, public opinion can be formulated as follows: «Don’t open your mouth to other people’s loaf,» «Only takes other people’s husbands,» «Evil divorcee,» «Bitch,» etc. As for the mistress in relation to the wife, opinions differ: «Old Karga», «Kurva», «Hen», «Housekeeper», «Goose».

Men’s attitudes differ radically: «Usually they are not jealous of their husbands, especially of their exes» — they fight with their wives’ lovers on their fists. The stronger half is not verbose, but this does not mean that men feel or worry less, they just express their feelings differently, through actions. In the struggle survives the strongest, which is ready to the end to defend their love or his right. But how do abandoned spouses or true lovers who have stolen marital happiness from each other feel, and is it theft? Natalia is 29 years old. Just recently she had to play two roles at once: a cheating wife and a married mistress. «The feeling,» she says, «is not a pleasant one. «My soul was torn with contradictions. On the one hand, I was choked with jealousy, resentment, and on the other, I was indifferent to the condition of my friend’s wife. To be honest — I wanted to win in any role, I was afraid to feel unwanted. It’s not without reason that they say it’s better to be abandoned than to be abandoned.

Oleg is 30 years old, divorced. He says that as a matter of principle he has never met a married woman. «You never know what to expect from them» — reasoned the young man, «and then I need a life partner.

Many men, especially married men, prefer to date only married girlfriends, as if they do not claim your freedom and not particularly impose. And a nice feeling of superiority over the legitimate spouse warms the passion.

For women, it’s the opposite: free want to be the only one, and married — adored, and if you continue a relationship with a lover, secretly thinking about divorce, although to make such a step often do not dare.

Men, on the other hand, may cheat on their wives throughout their married life without even intending to leave the family.

One young woman brought her philosophy out of this situation: «I didn’t date a married man because he had a pregnant wife, but my place was quickly taken by someone else. And then I realized: it’s not about me, who needs it, he will always go for anything. As the saying goes, nature abhors a void. There will be a loss in one place and an acquisition in another. But if you think about it, with such statements we take responsibility for our actions.

It has recently become fashionable for fairly mature women to have relationships with young men. By benefiting mutually, such couples can exist for quite a long time. Young men want to find a «mommy,» and mature women want a good sexual partner.

There is a common misconception that love makes up for and replaces everything that is missing. We often do not want to admit the obvious and create problems for ourselves in relationships, believing that with love and some effort everything can be fixed. Drawing illusions, we are afraid to part with them and see the truth, confusing love with passion, where sex becomes the goal, not the means. It’s all about our image. Sometimes a man and a woman want each other for pleasure or material security, pursuing their own personal gain, seeing the relationship as more of a convenience than love. Such a relationship cannot last long, it is only long enough for an affair. But if another image emerges that corresponds to your dignity, strength and vocation, then the relationship grows into a lasting love union.

Why is it that while we are married, we often have an affair on the side and still condemn extramarital affairs? If one partner has such an affair, the other unwittingly becomes a victim or «guilty», believing that he has the right to behave defiantly and be possessive. In the aftermath, all of this turns out not to be a continuation of the relationship, but a common pursuit. Being faithful and claiming an obligation to be faithful are fundamentally different.

Constructive solutions are only possible through love.

Some people handle relationships lightly and easily, ready to end them at any time without guilt or pain. In that case, you should not expect someone else to treat you better. When we enter into a love relationship, we take upon ourselves a responsibility equal to that of our partner. And if you have to break up one day, you have to have the courage to break up with dignity.

The category of being

It was a warm autumn morning. The bright sun played on the stunted leaves, trying to give them a second youth. The sun’s rays were tentatively hiding behind the clouds. In the deserted courtyard sat a couple. They looked very young: a girl and a young man. The autumn wind fluttered their hair and clothes, reaching to the very depths of their souls, which sought escape, squirming with cold. The girl stared intently into her boyfriend’s eyes. Her heart was bursting with pain. Her whole being was ready to burst into tears, thinking that such eyes could not betray.

The man’s gaze was as cold as a frowning autumn sky, indifference turned into confidence. The girl suddenly understood everything: «Lord,» whispered an inner voice, as if from outside, «help me to bear it. How can you talk about love, unity of body and soul, and yet sleep with another?»

For the first time came the realization that no one would help here, not even my mother. Time cannot be planned, cannot be foreseen. It cannot be measured — it can only be experienced by the soul, physically felt by the body. It turns out that time is very material, it is your circular shell, it runs in a circle, fitting into a single concept — life.

They were sitting on a children’s swing, sitting and silent, such two grown-up children. Children in essence, outwardly adults, for the first time given freedom in everything, unable to sort out and protect their feelings. A heady taste of permissiveness came over them.

— I’ll walk you out,» said a man’s voice, as if cut off.

— That’s it,» she thought, and, hesitating, she walked slowly down the sidewalk. It was still hard for her to understand what had really happened, much less take it to heart. The first partings, the first feelings, the first seeming love…

There were children running and laughing around, birds chirping, the world lived its own incomprehensible life, only childhood remained somewhere behind, forgetting to write a return ticket. The category of being confused concepts: growing up and childhood, love and dependence, responsibility and freedom. Independent life was still just beginning, having read all the children’s fairy tales.

The realization of one’s adulthood often comes from the feeling «that I can do anything» and rarely from the realization «that I can do anything.» The difference is essential in the concepts of «can» and «can», it is the ratio of rights and responsibilities or the ability to take and give. If such values are violated, the relationship between partners will never be harmonious and long-lasting. As adults, we often think that we can change the other person with our love, but it turns out that we ourselves are changing, because love is not enough, it just melts like snow.

Love in advance

When we are young, we are often interested in bad personalities, the good ones seem boring, too right or whatever. We don’t notice what is given from above, but we desire and crave the impossible or unconventional, the explosion of emotions and passions, even of any quality. We can ask ourselves endlessly, «Why do girls love bad boys?» The answer is, «Probably because they are lively, unpredictable and interesting,» except that this interest sometimes turns out to be tragedy or an irreparable mistake.

Marina was young and beautiful, as they say «ripe peach», she looked at her men, she was the envy of many peers, and her father — a real colonel. Marina walked dressed up doll, it would seem — live and enjoy it, but you want the spice of life, a taste of adrenaline and problems. She was lazy and uninterested in studying, although she was briefly pushed into the institute for a bribe, she did not want to work either, she wanted to have fun, fall in love, relax…

But here fate was not going to hurt Marina, gave her a handsome, intelligent guy who fell in love with her whole-heartedly. Andrew met his girlfriend with flowers almost every day, people talked about them «beautiful couple», it would seem — what more do you need? So almost a year passed. Andrew was called into the army, seeing him off was sad with a long goodbye and an oath, with a promise to wait and love each other. In honor of such a sad event, Marina planted a flower in a pot as a sign of parting and devotion, the bigger the flower, the closer the meeting will be. Andrew went to serve and began writing to his girlfriend almost every day, but Marina was only enough for two months. She answered her letters less and less frequently, and then she stopped writing altogether, not that she didn’t want to. She met another prominent guy who had just returned from the border guards, and that’s how it all began. The flower gradually wilted, and with it the memory of Andrew.

A brave soldier named Sasha wanted to embrace the immensity, have time for everything, and enjoy the pleasures of life. With an addiction to alcohol and noisy entertainment, as well as an alcoholic father, Marina’s new friend decided after all the hard work of the army to have a good rest, and the girl was not bored with him. Every night she began with a call from Sasha at the entertainment center, asking her to pick him up or pay off her debt for the booze. She would drop everything, go to him, literally drag him out of the cafe or restaurant, bring him home, followed by unrestrained sex and a lot of emotions, passion, and clarification of relations. Marina was glad that with him she could afford everything: smoke, swear, walk naked, even go out on the balcony like that, have all kinds of sex you can think of, and not think about anything. It seemed like happiness: to live, to enjoy life, to absorb pleasure and to dissolve in it. But, as you know, viciousness does not lead to good: unexpectedly there was a pregnancy, about which Marina learned too late. If her parents only knew in what state was conceived their future grandson! At first they thought it was love — another whim of their daughter, until the consequences began to show. It was time to meet Sasha’s parents; the unequal relationship was obvious, but nothing could be done. Sasha’s mother was a laborer, her father was an alcoholic, and Marina’s father was a colonel, her mother a medical worker. The young people got married, and in four months Marina was due to give birth. What a birth it was… The baby could not be revived for a long time: bluish, breathless, at the very last moment it only began to show signs of life. It was too late to cry, although Marina burst into tears, having felt the maternal instinct for the first time, she scolded herself, cursed in her heart and repented. The baby was born all sick, and the young mother’s milk was not enough. After some time with a restless daughter, parents soon went to the Ukraine, leaving Marina in Siberia in-laws. The father of our heroine received the rank of general.

After some time began a real nightmare. Family drinkers are not like regular families, there is a different mentality. Drinking father-in-law and drinking husband did not give peace neither Marina, nor the little child. Money was constantly lacking, breast milk is lost completely, the child was fed as they have to. A month later, the baby was covered with allergic crusts (diathesis), was nervous and did not sleep well, screaming for no reason. Marina was on the brink of despair. When strength was no longer available, the young mother began to arrange a «dark» baby, wrapping his head in a blanket, shaking him at breakneck speed, as if playing on a swing, and the child gradually softened, fell asleep. Then Marisha cried on the phone to her parents for a long time, that she could not go on, that she missed him terribly, repented of everything. After another such cry, her parents’ heart failed, and her mother came to get her. After taking Marina with all her belongings, her mother treated her grandson in different hospitals for a long time. Our heroine went to study at a trade college and made new acquaintances. But it didn’t work out that way. Marina’s husband, Sasha, also cried into the tube and swore his love for his wife and son, and this is a chance to go to a civilized city. How not to take pity here.

Marina’s father-in-law arranged for his son-in-law to sell kebabs at the bazaar. But the son-in-law did not want to bother himself, he wanted to finally live a good life. Alexander drank, had fun, arranged fights and did not notice how he was kicked out of his house in a still unfamiliar city. He asked for forgiveness, but no one believed him. There was nothing to be done, Sasha had to return to Siberia, to his usual surroundings. He became so friendly with alcohol that he couldn’t last the whole day. The mother, who had a disability, refused to support her son. The father ended up in a psychiatric clinic with «white fever. The feeling of loneliness and uselessness, resentment and insulted self-esteem suffocated the «tender soul» of the abandoned husband and forgotten son. More and more often Alexander wanted to forget himself, to quarrel with someone, to splash out accumulated anger and resentment. Soon after his return from Ukraine, Sasha was killed in a night fight near a beer stall.

And Alexander and Marina’s son was growing up. His grandmother, Marina’s mother, carefully «set her grandson on his feet,» treated him, protected him. But her daughter could not settle her personal life and more and more often remembered Andrei, that handsome faithful guy from her youth. And then one day she managed to find out his address through a friend and classmate Andrew. And at that time Marina got to know that her ex-boyfriend experienced the betrayal very hard: he did not want to live, then did not believe anyone, tried to forget himself in drugs, but nothing helped, until finally he met a charming faithful girl who helped him start all over again. In general, Andrew was married when Marina’s letter broke his family idyll. His heart started beating like before, he felt dizzy, and everything came to mind again, as if those difficult years had never happened, time had gone into another dimension. Andrew found the strength not to respond to the message, but suddenly the phone call changed his mind. Marina had called from the same city, having come all the way from afar to see him, and he could not refuse.

The meeting was stormy, passion, tears, memories… «I only now understand what it means to truly love,» Marina whispered in Andrei’s ear, snuggling gently against him. «I can’t, I’m married, you know, and I have a son growing up, and your child is by another, forgive me and understand. I will always remember you as my first love, though with a sense of pain. Forgive me if I am guilty of anything. But then I was ready to give you everything in the world, I loved you so much…».

Tears streamed down Marina’s cheeks, she knew that nothing could be returned, but she was grateful to her friend for the meeting, because it was an opportunity to ask his forgiveness and to end the relationship that had once begun.

Andrew saw his first love off on a long journey called «adulthood,» accompanied him into the unknown and said goodbye, it was easier for both of them. The soul ached unbearably. Marina, standing by the plane, through her tears looked at the distant figure of Andrew and realized that she had lost her chance in life, a chance to have true love, a strong family, and a healthy child. Time was lost, but she wanted to think that everything would still happen, only the child would always remind her of the past. And one day, when he grew up, he would ask: «Mom, who’s my daddy and where is he?» To which there will be no answer…

At a young age, we often do not think about their actions and their consequences, believing that everything is still ahead, there is still time to fix everything. And to reap the fruits of their actions, it turns out, sometimes not ready. But who does not think about the future, he regrets about the past, and the mistakes for the rest of his life gradually remind about it. When fate gives a person a gift, he is not always ready to accept it. He does not feel the need for it, so he passes by without appreciating and noticing it. Only after a loss and the realization of the loss, it becomes clear where happiness could have been. When we get our share of grief and unhappiness, only then do we understand where we have been blessed, because everything is learned by comparison. The value of your own life depends on its content, on the effort you put into it. When your life is ruled by unbridled desires or other people, the result will always be a payback. And the interesting thing is that you only have to pay for it yourself, no advance…

There would be no happiness, but unhappiness helped

Each of us, one way or another, dreams about love, wants to experience this mysterious feeling, but not everyone manages to keep it, let alone enjoy love, even if it is not mutual. But when suddenly this gift is lost, it is truly scary, the feeling of inferiority eats away at the subconscious, the world becomes gray-black colors.

So it happened with Anna, after another failure in the relationship, having suffered pain and suffering, she forbade herself to love, decided to treat all amorous affairs easily, without straining, «People can do it when they want» — reflected the young person. That is where she stopped her decision, making, as they say, an agreement with the «Devil». Anya simply had no idea then what awaited her.

Having subsequently dissolved two seven-year marriages, but not for love and not in order to remain alone, our heroine began to pray to God for the divine gift of falling in love. Again and again she returned to her apartment, where the only man, for a year now, was a charming red cat, waiting for her faithfully and sincerely. After a while, the possibility of experiencing love became an obsession for Anna. She dreamed of plunging headlong into the feeling, and then what would happen.

Once sitting at home and suffering from loneliness, Anyuta programmed on paper to meet a loved one, giving him the desired qualities, a little thought, she added time to the calendar about 4 months, intending to thoroughly prepare for such an event. This story wouldn’t пe had planned, and suddenly fell in love at first sight. Now the feeling of flight did not leave our heroine for a minute, it was like she got into another dimension, and the world has turned into happiness. What seemed ordinary before, surprised and delighted her, everything took on a special meaning. Anya realized that it was unconditional love that had come, everything around her breathed love. It was as natural as the sun, the grass, the sky, the birds, and life itself. Then it no longer mattered to a woman whether she was loved in return. But, as we know, sincere unselfish love leaves a strong energetic trace in the relationship, causes a sense of gratitude, respect, and there and then love is not far away.

But in reality, it is impossible to plan everything, much less create the image of a person ideally for oneself. And so Anyuta made a mistake. She asked for love for herself. She met a man who was strong and whole as a person, but who was not ready for remarriage. With two grown-up sons, Victor gave up on his personal life. «What kind of husband am I,» he told Anya. «What can I give you? I’m a man and I should have my own house, my own territory, and provide for my family completely. I don’t have either of those things. I’m just burned out. My main thing is to raise my sons. I’m sorry.» But even then, it didn’t frighten Annuta. She was just happy to see this man, to meet him, that’s all.

Victor liked getting love from Anya, too, and he always appreciated it. But he was afraid of something. He was afraid of getting attached, of falling in love, of himself. Many times he called, promised to come and didn’t come, disappeared somewhere, then reappeared. At some point he simply disappeared for several years, only Anya’s phone kept ringing in the evenings and even at night, but the receiver was silent. A woman’s heart knew whom it was calling. One day she happened to meet her man on the street, but he didn’t notice Anya. Everything in her soul trembled and ached. Two days of struggling with herself formed the decision — to write a message to Vita. At that time Anyuta had already lived with another man for two years, because Victor had simply disappeared. The answer came almost immediately, and both were very happy, forgetting about time, conventions and other nonsense. Everything spun with renewed vigor, until again for the man came that extreme moment of falling in love and fear for his potential and the need to take responsibility for his love.

Years went by. Unable to change anything, the woman dated Victor and continued to somehow arrange her family life. For several years she created a civil marriage, but love was elsewhere, next to her masterpiece. This went on for ten years, after which Victor fell ill and died. And even then Anya felt him and talked to him in her dreams. But the man was gone, and the love for this man was also gradually going away, leaving behind a trace of happiness, opening the channels of love.

Anya understood very clearly — when you form a desire, you have to be very careful not to regret it later. There is a tremendous power in desire, which turns the existing reality in the right direction. You can’t kill the love in you, because such actions always leave a long negative trail.

There is nothing superfluous in the world, we often pass by our happiness, sometimes just not noticing it, we complain about fate, not knowing how to use the opportunities that open before us, we envy others, not feeling their good, not knowing how to enjoy ordinary things and just love the person as he is and you know about it.

Crossroads of Destiny

Women very often tend to live for the future, forgetting that the present is most important. To give birth to children, so that in the old age there would be someone «to bring a glass of water, and you do not want to drink,» to bring up her husband, so that again in the old age is not alone, to gain status, so that people respectfully spoke about it, or at least just envy. But it so happens that seeking the future, we miss the present: we tolerate now, deprive ourselves of joy and personal time, waving his hand on his health and well-being, that God forbid to seem not worthy of something, or receive someone’s condemnation. In the pursuit of men’s attention and love, we forget about ourselves and our value, not realizing that the main thing is the value of their own personality and attention to their soul, their body, their development.

They had been friends since childhood, Larissa and Nellie, three and a half years apart in age. When they were little, they came to the village for the summer: Nelly to her grandmother and Larissa to her aunt. The girls understood each other, played war together with the boys, Indians, soccer, went fishing, went to the river, in general, the game of dolls did not attract them much. As they grew older, they began to visit each other, dreaming of a happy adult life. Soon Larissa, she was the eldest, went to another city to study at university in the Department of Journalism, and the girls did not see each other for a long time. They met only four years later, when Larissa was getting married to a military officer, who had an unsuccessful family life and experience of combat operations in hot spots. He was more than ten years her senior. Lara did not grow up in a full family, not having a father, she wanted to somehow make up for the trauma of childhood, to escape the eternal poverty when her mother was pulling two children: Larochka and her younger brother. The girl was always jealous when someone from her class went on vacation to the sea or had expensive fancy clothes. She dreamed of a prosperous adult life and always knew that she would marry well.

Even as a child, her friends were always hanging out with their brothers: Larissa had an older cousin (the son of her aunt), and Nelly had a native brother, the same age as Larochka. Apparently, this is why their interests were mutual, more like kid’s games. This time was called «the early ’80s.

Everyone grew up and went their separate ways: Lara finished school, Nellie was the youngest in her group and went to live in another town with her parents and brother. Lara’s cousin, Semyon, was drafted into the army to fight in Afghanistan. After a while, Nellie’s brother also went to serve for two years in a war zone. Soon Semyon was blown up on a mine and was hospitalized home without one leg. Depressed, not knowing how to live his life anymore, he considered his life a failed mistake. It was then that Nelli and Semyon unexpectedly met at the bus station.

His bus was leaving earlier than Nellie’s. Eye to eye, two or three minutes seemed like an eternity, the pain of loss, the reality of life and youth in one person. Tears rolled down the girl’s cheeks, for her, still very young, it was a shock. It seemed as if the whole earth was overturned, crushed by the time of life. Nellie didn’t notice her childhood friend Semyon was gone, leaving his gaze sprinkled with ashes in her memory. She continued to stand on the platform and cry. Upon returning home, the girl lay awake all night, arriving in a state of shock. Her heart was bursting with pain: «How to realize and accept this.» The only thing she could do was to support her friend, giving a piece of herself. The distance of three hundred kilometers gave her the idea of writing kind letters to Semyon every day, just to talk to him. Before she knew it, she had fallen in love with her friend. He didn’t respond, but simply graciously accepted such a gift.

«I will open the door wide to the morning dawn.

Let the wind rush through the window, I’m so happy today.

Over the horizon, maybe a dream merged with destiny.

So good to live in this world, especially with you.

You are near, and my heart is warmer, And the sky is a little bit full of doves.

And everything seems more kindred with you on this earth,» Nellie wrote, without asking anything, without explaining, she simply wrote about herself, about hope for the future, trying in this way to instill hope in Semyon as well.

«Good morning, my friend. Every day in this life is unique: the wind, the sun, the sky breathes its beauty on you. The smell of the grass, the singing of the birds — all this is for you, if you want it, the whole world will be for you. Smile, because to smile is happiness…". So a year went by.

Larissa celebrated her wedding at her mother’s house. All of her closest relatives and friends gathered together. It was an ordeal for Nellicka, where she met Semyon for the second time. He arrived late and in thirty minutes Nelli had to be on her way home, the only way she could buy a bus ticket. The girl stood against the wall in the corridor, like a frozen woman, unable to move or say anything. Semyon arrived and approached her, apologizing for his tardiness; she was silent.

There was that cold shower over her body again, and the fear of reality. Nelly was afraid to see Semyon, but she just couldn’t not see, she was afraid of herself, of her experiences.