Бесплатный фрагмент - Me After You

Acknowledgments

I am dedicating this book to the person who reads this book the first. I want you to know that you are not only my first reader, but you are also the reason I started to write at all. You are the only one who sees in me more than I do see in myself. Once you told me that you will wait no matter how long it will take for my first book to be written and you do not care whether it will be published or not. All that mattered for you was me writing and hopefully starting to believe I can do it. I could not ask for and imagine a better partner in crime than you. We have been through many adventures and have shared many exciting experiences, and I hope that the world has even more to offer us. As I once said we do not know what is waiting for us, but let’s hope we can manage everything together.

I express my deepest gratitude to my family and friends for their continuous support throughout the years. My successes and achievements would not be possible without you. I am who I am now thanks to you and your help. Thank you for being in my life and giving me strength to fight all the challenges I faced.

Thanks to all those who gave their honest and constructive feedback. Due to this, I realized that there is still a lot of potential for improvement. I am more than motivated to get better with each next book.

Thank you all.

Altynai

Foreword

I truly believe that every book has a story to tell, lessons to teach, question to ask and experience to share. And every book has its own reader who will find it interesting and understand it. Maybe we do not agree on the meaning of all books, but we can recognize that all books are important in their own way. So, the number of readers might tell us something about the book, but certainly it does not always have to be a true.

I hope that my book will find its reader, and I will be happy to know what thoughts and question my book brought up. I wish my readers will reflect and find their own answers to questions, and even challenge statements made in this book. I invite my reader to active discussion with me in the hope that we can learn together and even teach each other.

Déjà Vu

To forget we must learn not to remember.

It was a very busy working day at the company, and I wished that it would end quickly. In addition to routine work and customer meetings, there were five job interviews scheduled for a marketing intern position posted a month ago. For some mysterious reasons the interviews were scheduled for today with a small amount of time between. My best friend, partner in crime, and colleague, Mariette, even joked that there was a risk to mix up all candidates with each other and offer the job to someone we did not plan to hire. I told her that everything is possible, but we should hope that two heads are better than one. We talked to all candidates asking them many formal questions that they had probably heard not for the first time. They were all young students full of ambitions to gain working experience and to start making their career. They gave more or less the same answers to questions about how they see their professional future, what their strengths and weaknesses are, or why they choose what they choose. It seemed that they all had the same source of information with recommendations for best possible answers to potential questions. Mariette and I could absolutely relate to them as we both were once in their shoes and went through this many times. Often the job interview was a structured procedure with a list of simple standard questions, which require a lot of fantasy, philosophy, and even story telling talent to answer. So, if you are asked why, you are looking for new job, then answers like I have bills to pay, I have not learned how to print money yet, or life is too expensive not to work will appear very poor as it does not show that you have great motivation. Although these are often the most honest and truthful answers. Besides, what could be a better motivation for any job than money? The most common answer is often that you are looking or ready for new challenges, as if the life would not have already provided enough challenges to offer. In my experience the job interview is never something you can be excited about. I rarely felt positive emotions or had any good impressions when it was over. I still wonder why companies care a lot about improving customer journey or user experience of their products and services, and completely ignore creating positive job interview experiences. At least in reality it happens rarely.

After many long hours of talking with each candidate, Mariette and I exchanged thoughts and talked about our impressions. Mariette always could read a person and I trusted her intuition. We agreed to hire the candidate, whose personality not only impressed, but also empowered, us. By reading her CV and between the lines in her touching stories we knew that she had already achieved a lot. However, she could not see it yet. Her name was Aliya. She was from Kyrgyzstan and had come to Germany to study. She was self-confident and modest at the same time. She was just at the beginning of her life journey and still had a lot to learn. But she was ready to try to achieve everything that she wanted and deserved. She would be successful with or without being an intern in our company. Aliya was the only candidate, who honestly said that the information on the company website and job description were about everything and nothing at the same time. I had to laugh because I could not agree more.

It was almost 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I noticed that I had not even eaten lunch. There was also no time to have something small to eat. It was raining heavily outside, and I had not taken an umbrella with me. As people usually say in such situations, trouble does not come alone. I just ordered a taxi and was about to leave the office in 10 minutes when Mariette knocked on the door. She held two glasses and bottle of red wine. I knew she wanted to celebrate the end of this crazy working day and that we had finally found an intern to support us with the pile of work that grew more day by day. That day we also finally signed a contract with a customer for the conceptualization and implementation of new digital processes. This would be a very complex project, which was planned to take two years to complete.

As soon as Mariette opened the door, she saw that I was about to leave office. I was a little ashamed and upset that I had to go as I would not have minded a little celebration. Today we both deserved it as we had won several battles.

I could see a little disappointment in her eyes because her plan was falling apart. With a voice full of sadness, she said:

— I guess no celebration today.

— Honey, we will celebrate our success, but let’s postpone it for later. I have an appointment and need to leave already, in 5 minutes.

— Sure, no problem at all. Daria is everything fine?

— Yes, just need to finish some business.

— Okay then, but do not wonder if I will call you drunk later. I need to finish this bottle alone.

— I am always there for you, honey.

— But if you will be still in the mood to join my drinking party sometime later, you will let me know.

— Of course, I will just come over.

— Then I hope we can still celebrate together.

— Agree, will let you know.

— If not, be prepared for my hangover tomorrow.

— Honey, you can always take one day sick leave.

— Sometimes you have brilliant ideas.

While I was packing, Mariette had already drunk one glass. As I left, I thought about how often I had said to her that I am not a red wine drinker. I could drink it, but it was not what I preferred if I would have a choice. But my dearest friend seemed to forget it every time. As far as I knew, she did not have any issues with her memory. Maybe she just hoped that one day I would start to love red wine. But she was more likely to stop loving red wine than I would start drinking it.

On the way to the clinic, I literally fell asleep for some minutes. I was quite tired, especially because I could not sleep last night. The drive took longer than it should have due to traffic jams, and I was afraid I would be late to the appointment. But I also knew probably I would still have to wait for some minutes till the doctor could see me in his office. I arrived 15 minutes later, and the assistant at the reception gave me some papers to fill out and sign. There were about five or six pages that I needed to read and sign. I always wondered how many patients really read and understood what they must sign. I would bet there were not many of them. It seems to be mission impossible to understand what is written in the document when all you see is the large amount of text full of complex sentences consisting of hundreds of smart medical and legal terms you do not understand. It is like reading a book in a total different language. To be on the safe side it would be better always to have a lawyer to translate and explain that language and advise you what to do. People do not read documents even when they have time, to be asked to read and sign in 10 minutes is even more risky. I am afraid that reading and understanding official documents will never get easy. Even one page of a letter can sometime be challenging to understand. I only try to understand a complex letter only if it is an invoice with a large amount of money highlighted in red to be paid as quickly as possible.

I gave the signed papers to the assistant not even knowing what exactly I signed. She asked me to wait and said the doctor will call me in a couple of minutes. When I entered the doctor’s office, I felt that today I would come home with bad news even though strong intuition never was my strength. The only thing I could not even imagine was how bad this news would be; even though I never expect to have any good news from doctors. When you are getting older your health and life expectations just decline almost daily. Time takes what it takes, and nothing can stop it. Although modern science does many possible things to find answers about how not to age and live forever. To be always young and immortal, for this some people even would sell their souls to the devil or anyone, if we have any soul at all. I do not quite understand the sense of being immortal or forever young. Most people cannot already manage with their given life; what will they do with their life if they will live forever? Besides, to escape death we must first predict what or who will kill us. This would require that we must foresee the future and calculate all the possibilities and uncertainties without any chance for mistakes. To me it sounds like mission impossible. We might find a way to keep us young and healthy as long as we want, but we certainly cannot know what will cause our death. But maybe I am being too critical and skeptical. After all, there was a time when we could not imagine, or considered it impossible, flying to the moon, having smartphones, building robots, sending people to mars, or inserting a chip into a person’s brain. However, we are now enjoying all the wonders of technology and various science revolutions. Probably I should be careful saying never or impossible. Moreover, even though we live today twice as long as in the past the quality of our life is not getting better. It would seem that we should live better and have more time for ourselves because we have more time.

I saw that the doctor was worried, and I wondered how many patients he had to tell bad news to today. I felt that he was trying to find the right words to start. He had to inform me about the results of my clinical examination. It was a short speech, but it seemed to me, he was talking for hours because I replayed his words several times in my head. He told me that my results showed that I have tumor. He served me with a long and complex explanation of what it is and told me about what treatment options I have. The whole time he was talking, I had a very strong feeling of deja vu, as if I had already been in this situation and heard this story before. I was scared and felt that the past, which I had buried a long time ago was coming back. The doctor said I might have one year, maybe more or less, depending on how the tumor will progress and how effective the treatment will work if it works at all. In medicine, as in life, there are no guarantees. He gave me information about several treatment options, and I had to decide which of them I would try. We agreed to meet in two weeks to discuss the treatment and further plan how to proceed. I appreciated having some time before making any decisions. I never understood how a person can decide about any treatment without having time to think and reflect, especially when it comes to life and death. I left the doctor’s office after one hour.

I believe that facing death is not scary because your life ends, but rather because you start to question whether you are happy with the way it has has been going. Some people might say that they are satisfied with their life. Some might name what they would have changed or done differently if they would be given a chance to do so. But the question is how many chances or opportunities they would need and how many of them they would really use. How many is many or enough to act in life. Often, we only know that we had a chance to change anything when it is too late. We wait for a second chance not knowing that it was already the third one. We waste our time and life making wrong calculations, but being sure that our numbers are correct. For me death was always something natural and I never feared it. My friends would probably not wonder if one day I would die unexpectedly as they hear me very often saying “I am dying” or “I will die”. They would laugh and say that I was waiting and calling for death for a long time, and finally it came. But when I heard how much time I have left my brain just stopped to function for a moment. I did not question why me or why now as I was fine with my time spent on earth. I was not sad or trying to deny the truth. Maybe this was because I felt it coming or because I have already almost experienced it once. The only one thing I wished was to make it happen quick. I would prefer to go to sleep and just not to wake up. But life prepared for me a different scenario as life rarely gives you what you order. As my dad always said: life is not a concert by request. You will listen to a song which is already playing and not what you would like to listen to.

When I left the hospital, it was no longer raining. On the way home I decided to take a walk along the Neckar River. I always loved to walk here. I could spend hours just sitting on the riverbank and looking at Heidelberg Castle, located on a ridge of a mountain. Every stone of this majestic palace had a story to tell and reminded me that history will always remain a mystery to a certain extent. We might know the history of the castle, but we will never know the truth it is hiding. Up there I could enjoy the most beautiful and magic view over the Neckar valley, and of the old town. There were days I could not believe that my dream of living in Heidelberg one day came true. I fell in love with this city from the very first time I visited it and had never since stoped admiring it. I felt so privileged to live in my favorite city in the world, where I never could get enough of the old town atmosphere. It made me feel like I was living in the times of fairy tales only with a bit of modern twist. I have rarely even been bothered or annoyed by the noise, constant bustle, traffic, and flow of people in the city. Being surrounded by all this made me feel truly alive. But even then, I could always find a small island, where I could just sit and enjoy silence. Often it was my house, which was built some years ago. It was truly a dream house because it was designed the way me and my husband wished to have it. It was a big house in a minimalist style. There were only two floors, and all our rooms were on the top floor. One specific feature of the house was that we had high windows and could always receive a lot of day light. We did not have a garden because we did not like plants and did not know what to do with them. I was happy to have a small balcony attached to our bedroom in order to sit there watching sunsets and enjoying beautiful views of the surrounding mountain. This house was our safe space, where we always felt protected from everything and everyone in the world. It was home, where we always wanted to return to no matter where we were. We would start to miss it already after a couple of days.

I came home around 6 o clock, and no one was home. I was glad because I had not thought about how to tell my family, this shocking news. There is never a right time or moment to tell your family and friends that soon you will say goodbye forever. I knew that Alan and the girls, Aylin and Ciara, would be destroyed by this news. I could predict what was waiting for me. They would cry for a while and after they would start to make plans about how to defeat death and save my life. Sometimes we still wish to fight even if we have already lost the game before it started. It is like playing for the purpose of game. I guess this is what people call hope. That evening I did not say anything to anyone and decided to keep everything for myself. I was not ready for their questions or for any talks, any tears, and any emotions. The moment they would find out, it would all become about them and not about me anymore. Before telling everything, I had to prepare myself to deal with their emotions and pain, and put all my feelings aside.

I decided to see two more doctors to be sure that I actually have what I have. Until then I chose not to tell anyone yet. If I had told everyone the truth, in a couple of days I would have received calls from everyone saying they are sorry for me and asking me how I am doing or what they can do for me. They also would be curious about my plans. I was also not ready to handle the reactions of my family and friends to this news. At that moment I did not need anyone’s pity. People keep inventing technologies to live forever, but still do not know how to listen to someone. We still do not understand that leaving a person alone to think and give them time to reflect is the best support we can often offer. We should learn to wait for the person to be ready to share and offer support when we are asked for it. Often, we start supporting or helping without any permission to do so. Absolutely no one would say to me, “Daria, well you knew this day would come, you enjoyed this life the way you could, name me one thing you still wish to do, and I will be happy to be your partner in crime.”

I decided to take two days off work and be alone. I wanted to use this time to make my plan about how to be and what to do. I told my family that there had been a lot of stress at work lately and I needed to rest for a couple of days. They totally understood me and were even happy that I was finally going to take some rest. Alan already told me a couple weeks ago that I need to think more about myself and take care of my health. He added that my job would not run away and would still be there when I returned after a short vacation. It is usual for us to give each other space and to take days off just to be alone. We believe that relaxing separately from each other, from time to time, could even be healthy for relationships. He had noticed that my headaches were becoming more frequent and was worried about me. At his insistence, I went to the doctor and got myself tested. I wondered how much more time would have passed before I found out the truth if I had not gone to the doctor a week ago. What if I had gone to see him a month or a year ago? Was there any chance to avoid this tragic situation at all, and if yes when and what should I have done. I did not know the answer and would never find it out. After all the answer would not matter anymore. As with everything in life even a question has its moment to be asked, if you missed the first question then you can only ask the next one. The next questions I needed to ask was what I would do with time left or how I wanted to spend it.

I went to Baden-Baden because I wanted to spend time in the countryside. I rented a two-room apartment instead of booking a hotel. The apartment was both in the city center and in the mountains. I could take a walk along the majestic Lichtentaler Allee into the city center. After only a few meters I would be in the forest and could take the picturesque panoramic hiking trail. The apartment had a spacious balcony with a beautiful view of the forest and Merkur Mountain. The location of the apartment was perfect to isolate myself from people. I wanted to be alone as much as possible. I needed to be in absolute silence so that I could hear my thoughts and feel my emotions without being interrupted. The only person I wished to talk and see was me.

On the first night, after I thought long and hard, I did not even remember how I fell asleep. However, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. I was still shaking, and the pillow was wet. I had probably cried in my sleep. For a second, it was as if I did not remember what I saw and what scared me. For the first time in a very long time, I saw my sister. She silently stood at a cliff edge and was about to jump. She did not talk to me and just looked at me. I did not have any telepathic powers and could not read her mind, but I knew what she wanted to do. But I just stood there and did nothing, as if I did not care whether she will jump or not. I looked at her and just cried. She then jumped off and I saw her falling into a dark hole. There was absolutely nothing in the hole. She became smaller and smaller, and at some point, just disappeared. And for a moment I screamed in pain.

During these days I needed to get all my thoughts in order. As I was reflecting on my life and on everything what had happened; I suddenly started to question all the choices I had made in the past. I asked myself whether there is any closure that I need to make before the time will come. My mind was occupied with the question of whether I could forgive myself for the things I have done in my past, which I am not proud of. There were times when I knew I was making a mistake and still chose to make them. Sometimes I justified my decision with good intentions. Today I know that such things as good intentions is rather exceptions than the rule. I thought about whether some of my secrets should die with me, or the truth must be told, and if I am then ready to deal with the consequences. I thought about people I should ask for forgiveness even if it might be almost too late. But some say it is never too late to say sorry, even if it is still hard to do. I believe that it gives some relief to be forgiven by someone we hurt, but what kills us the most is that we cannot forgive ourselves. Being forgiven does not take away the blame you feel inside, and I doubt that it even can.

After two days and sleepless nights I was ready for the next chapter of my life even though I did not know what really to expect. I was satisfied that I had time to make my own plan regarding how it should be before anyone makes suggestions about what to do and how to live this last year. Maybe I even had more than one year. My decisions were not only whether to undergo the treatment or not, it was more about what I still wished to do before leaving. I made my wish list of things to be completed as much as possible. At least I would try to manage most of it in the time I have. But of course, there were a number of priorities marked as must have or must be done no matter what. I wanted to make everything right or at least to try. I wanted to have closure not only for me, but also for my lovely family. I did not know then that there would be probably less than one year, but still managed to complete almost all my tasks on earth. The rest maybe can be done somewhere else even if I did not have any idea where it will be.

The Storm

We can escape something only if can predict it.

I came back on the Sunday with a clear plan in my mind, but I still doubted whether all the decisions I made were right. At that moment I did not know it. It often happens that the realization of a bad or good decision always comes later. But life has taught me that any decision has its cost. The question is only what price we are ready to pay. At the end how we judge our decisions depends on our perceptions and experiences, which might change with time. Today, looking back, I might regret certain things I have done or wish I would have done them differently. It is only because I know today what I did not know then and could not know yesterday.

When I came home everyone was home. The girls were in their rooms, doing whatever they do behind closed doors with the sign “do not disturb” hanging on the door. Alan was in the kitchen cooking dinner, more accurately preparing it as in our house the kitchen exists just for the purpose of being there. It use evolved into this over the years, the older our girls became the less time we spent cooking in the truest sense of the word. We used less and less time on looking for interesting and healthy recipes, getting all the needed ingredients, cleaning, cutting, and cooking.

Our whole philosophy in the kitchen, in the end, was about getting everything done in as short a time as possible. There were even moments we did not know with what our kitchen was equipped. But we knew everything basic and necessary was there. I never stop thinking about who came up with the idea that every home should have a kitchen and when it became a standard. I suspect that it was a person who loved or knew how to cook.

I went directly to kitchen, Alan stood at the stove and set the timer on the oven. We would have pizza for dinner today, as far as I could tell from seeing the open boxes on the kitchen table. I walked up to Alan, gave him a hug and gently kissed him, saying hi love. He was listening to Steven Bartletts podcast called “Diary of CEO”, which he recently discovered on YouTube. I still remember his impressions of the first interview he listened to, where Alex Hormozi was a guest sharing his story and experience. Alan had never heard about him but was impressed by his perspectives and thoughts. Alan often quoted him saying “Pain motivates more than pleasure does”. His point here was that if people do not take action to change their current situation, then they’re not in enough pain. We cannot just get motivated; we have to hate something to make a change. Alan absolutely agreed with his perception and added he experienced this in his carrier too. I just silently wondered when Alan would lose interest because I knew after some time his critical thinking would be turned on and his perceptions change. This time the topic was about the dangers of AI and ex-Google Officer Mo Gawdat shared important insights regarding how the future with AI will look and what we should fear. He even wanted to buy a book written by Mo Gawdat about AI, but somehow never did. At some point, I noticed that Alan asked a question addressing a guest, as if he was in the studio. He even made a loud comment saying “Well, you know, Steve, your virtual presence will not cancel the fact that it is not you”. It was always a funny scene to observe, and I could not help but laugh. If such a thing as rebirth really exists, then I believe Alan was a journalist in his past life. And most likely he was that journalist who had critical and to some point very conservative ideas that only few people could understand and agree with.

In real life he was just an architect with the soul of a writer and mind of journalist or politician, who created beautiful modern buildings and liked reading thrillers with unpredictable endings. We did not have a lot in common, but we shared a passion for reading. We each had our own favorite books. Often, we admired the same books and sometimes we differed in opinions and could argue strongly. Sometimes I think that our love of books maybe was a reason why our marriage had lasted the test of time. But let’s hope that is not the case. I will never forget our first discussion when we just met. We argued about my favorite book of all time “Pride and prejudice”. He said this book was overrated. It’s been 20 years of marriage, but we still haven’t come to an agreement on this matter.

However, Anna Karenina is the book we both would probably never understand and stop asking questions about it. But every book has its reader. The counter to this is that our kids are ready to read only if it is a post in social media. We tried very hard to make our girls love to read. It is sad that it cannot be passed down through DNA. I think their brains do not recognize or blocks anything longer than a few lines. It is like an alarm goes on if the limit of one sentence is reached. I still wonder how they managed to go to school and are about to graduate soon. I do not know the answer, but I hope they do. They assured me they do have a plan, and I pretended I believe them.

We had a family dinner time, which now happened very rarely as the girls had started to have their own so-called private life. They shared about the latest news at school, which for us, as parents, seemed to be always very dramatic and even absurd. Listening to their stories, we could understand that at their age everything that happened in their life seemed to be much more dramatic than it really is. From experience we knew that much of this was not worth it. But as parents we listened to the stories and let them knew that we took them seriously. It was important for us to support them and be there for them. And sometimes we felt that we never ourselves actually had any teenage time or maybe it was different. Alan was excited to share the news that he had finally finished one big project and the launch was scheduled for the coming week. They were, however, curious about my short vacation. I said the place is worth a visit and that we should go there together in the summer.

When dinner was over and the girls wanted to go upstairs to their room, I asked them to stay for some time. I said that I need to share something important with them. I could feel how the tension was increasing and how their faces immediately changed. They looked very concerned and stressed. Is it not strange that we are sometimes scared even before we know what to fear. For a second, I wanted to lie to them and say something other than the truth. But I ended up telling the truth. I started from the beginning and the story ended with my doctor informing me about my tumor, possible treatment options, and the time I might have left.

I gave them time to realize what had just happened and to release their emotions. It was not easy to handle even if I knew exactly how it would go. Aylin and Ciara could not stop crying for a while. This would be the first time when they would have to deal with the death of a loved one. They had never faced it that close-up before, even though they already had this experience once, but were too little to remember it. They barely remember the first funeral they went to. It was the funeral of my sister who died in a car accident. Alan did not show any emotions and did not even cry. He only took my hand and hugged me. This was his way to say, “I do not know what will come next, but I am with you”. I appreciated it as it was already too much to handle. He knew we would discuss everything later, but it was impossible to do it now. After we all had released our emotions and no tears were left anymore for a while we sat in silence. When it was no longer possible to endure the silence full of pain, I made the next move. My decision not to undergo the treatment surprised and made them angry. No matter what explanation I would give, they still could not understand me and my motives. I knew that I must be strong to insist on my decision even if it was hard for them to accept it. It was my decision to make, and I made it. I did not need their honestly because I could read their thoughts asking how I could stay so calm and act like I do not care. The irony was that they were right, and I was ready to die, but I wished to do it on my own terms. But they should never find out this truth. I knew they would not want to let me go. I decided I would stay as long as needed for each of to them have closure. Many things in life we do not do for ourselves, but rather for others because we care. At the end I added that they all need time to reflect as it was a lot to handle. I asked only for one favor that we would have each other’s back in order to go through this hard time for all of us.

The next weeks were filled with the usual routines. I visited my doctor and informed him that I would not undergo any treatment, and he gave me some prescriptions for pills, which I suppose were to take in case of pain. We agreed I would regularly come to all checks to monitor how my tumor was progressing. We had a couple of conversations at home, and I decided how to inform other people. In a couple of days all my close friends, the rest of the family, and even some colleagues knew about what had happened and what was coming. They called almost every day to ask how I was doing and if they could help. Everyone wanted to visit me, and I even had to schedule some meetings at home. I did not wish there to be any talks about my health and felt like they kept touching a metaphorical bleeding wound, which has not healed yet. It felt like they were sorry that they stabbed you with a knife but keep doing it anyway.

I think everyone wants to be a good person and show good intent. Sometimes it can be just very selfish in relation to another person. But this is probably a consequence of the rules dictated by the public and our society on how to be a responsible, good, and tolerant person. People often do certain things or behave in a certain way not only to show good intent but also to have, to keep or not to lose a reputation of being a good person who cares. We call friends and parents to check on them, attend family events, take care of each other, offer help and support, make nice complements, show interest by asking questions or even make small talk because society suggests it is the right thing to do. In each situation there is a list of things we should do. We should know how to behave with each single person. So, we cannot call friends and parents when we have time or want to, we must do it regularly. After all we do things not when we want to or can, we must do them always. This is all because in our perception we see the world around us only as being good or bad and we all wish to be on good side, which we perceive to be generally the accepted norm. We even deny our egoism, ambitions, and selfishness because all this is perceived as bad. If it is bad, it is a deviation from the norm of good. We even call each other, as we are trying to seem like a good person, even if we do it for selfish reasons. The truth is that at the point your freedom starts, someone else’s ends.

I decided to quit my job, as in my plan there was no time for work. It took me a month to hand over all my responsibilities and close all important projects, which I was leading at the company. One month was obviously not enough to find a replacement so some of my colleagues including Mariette had to do my job in addition to their own tasks. I am sure they were not thrilled about it, but they did not have a choice. My last day at the company started as usual and I was busy as always. I came quite early, took a cup of my morning coffee, checked my inbox, sent a prepared farewell mail, met some customers to sign contracts, had lunch with some colleagues, and started to gather all my stuff. Till this moment I never realized that I had too much stuff in my office. I could not even remember where I got it all and why I kept them. As Alan always said, the minimalism approach was not about me. This was the main reason why he was against a second wardrobe no matter what strategies I used to try to convince him.

I was packing one box with unnecessary stuff, when Mariette knocked at the door. Mariette was my favorite person in this whole world, and I could not imagine not having her in my life. We met when I was hired as a project manager at this company, and we had been working for many years together. She was leading the marketing department. I truly believe that some people come in our life for a purpose, and this happens when we need it the most. It was exactly this case for my friendship story with Mariette. When she came into my life, I had just recently lost my sister and was going through the hardest time in my life. Some time had passed since her death, but the pain I felt was not leaving. As soon as I was introduced to Mariette, and we started talking it was clear that there was chemistry between us. I could say it was love at first sight as we immediately felt a deep bond.

She was from Benin and moved to Germany when she was 20 years old. She shared with me her experiences and stories living away from family. Sometimes she would laugh and add that everything would be funny if it were not so sad. Nobody could replace my sister in my heart and mind, as she was and always would be the only person who knew me and could understand. But Mariette became not only my friend, but also my sister. Once I even joked that she was my sister from another mother. She was always very supportive and had a great talent of finding the right words to say at the right time. She could be very strict and strong but at the same time gentle and very sweet. She had so much love and warmth in her heart to share with others. Sometimes I wished she could also say no, but I knew that it would not be her then. She could be sick lying with a fever, but would never refuse to help. She never tried to give any advice or suggestions about how to be or what to do, but after talking with her I always felt empowered and could find the answers I was looking for. Mariette helped me become who I became and even taught me to fight. One day she told me that the moment you will give up you will lose. But there are games and wars we cannot win because they ended long before we knew about them. I always wonder whether we can ever truly show some people how deep we love them and that they mean the world to us. How can we also let them know that maybe we sometimes will not find the light at the end of tunnel, but they always will be our shining star or sun. Is there any poem we can read, a song we can sing, or just words we can say to express our feelings that cannot be described? I think that the simple way is to let these people be in our life as long as possible and make sure that they know what space they take in our heart.

By this time, of course, she already knew about everything. I told her everything when we had our girl’s night out that had become our tradition. We spent the whole day together and that evening I stayed at her place. I did not want to ruin her mood, but I thought that this would be a good moment to tell her the truth. She should learn it directly from me. She could not have thought that this was the way our perfect day would end. She cried and could not believe it was really happening. Nobody could believe it. But she knew that some things in life are real no matter whether we believe them or not. If we refuse to accept something, it will not change anything. After some time, she just hugged me, and we stayed this way. I was grateful that she did not ask me even a single question or made a speech about what a tragedy it was. She never talked about obvious things and was sure if we did not see them then we were either blind or pretended to be blind. She was just holding me and let me feel that I could count on her no matter what. She would not say a word because she knew I needed silence. She would let me cry out because she knew it was the only thing that can help. She would let me make a mistake because it was only way I could learn. This was my girl, who would exactly know what I needed even If did not know it myself. I am always sorry that I could not give her as much she gave me. She brought me a peace when I needed it the most. Mariette entered my office. She saw all the boxes I had already packed and put near the door. She looked over to my desk, which was already empty. It looked like my office had lost its life as if I was never there. Without her saying a word I could read in her eyes how sad she was. We spent so many days in this company and tomorrow we would not drink our morning coffee or go for lunch together. We would no longer go into each other’s office to gossip or to complain anymore. We would not discuss anymore all the brilliant ideas of management and bet on when or which of them would turn into failure. But work was not the thing that connected us, so me leaving the company was certainly not the end of our story. At first, she was silent. I guess she did not know what to say or how to start. But finally, she said:

— Hi, Daria!

— Hi, Sweetheart!

— I see these boxes, and just now realize that you are leaving. Still cannot believe it.

— Well, you know where you can find me.

— True, I will come probably every week and complain as always.

— You know it is one of my favorite things to do.

— Are you ready for the great performance from our theater? You should already put your mask on and start to practice to smile. I think all actors are ready to be there soon.

— Dear you know me, I can only draw a smile, but never show it. But as always, I will do my best.

— I saw your gift box and thought about what you will do with it.

— Do not tell me that there is champagne?

— Bingo

— Well, as my mom said there is never a lot of alcohol, just never mix it.

About 30 minutes later, as I expected, some of my colleagues came to say goodbye, to wish me all the best, and brought a gift box. They were saying how much they appreciated my work and contribution to the growth of the company. The whole ceremony took maybe an hour.

We were making small talk just for the purpose of the conversation. I always hated these kind of ceremonies because it felt like it was a standard procedure to follow.

I am sure all companies have this rule somewhere written in their policies and we can play this game only by accepting its rules. It never felt real and natural. It is like a small performance, where everyone has a role to play. I must admit that I was always a bad actress. What irritated me the most is having, and living, a double standards. The company would not notice or even care if one of the housekeepers or no name employees would leave the company. When I worked as a housekeeper and assistant there was never a farewell ceremony. Your position or title at a company not only defines you and let others make judgements about your education level, knowledge, and skills, but also decides what honors you deserve or not. In the yearly new year celebrations at luxury restaurants, I never saw any invited housekeepers. Many companies are promoting diversity and equal rights for everyone, but in reality, we are so far away from living these values. We are too busy with following the agenda of the world and creating and renaming definitions just to be aligned with political correctness.

I might not have been here if I had not had that one call in my life, which changed it forever. I would not be here if that one person hadn’t believed in me and trusted that I could take this responsibility. And I would not be here if I would not say yes to a question that needed to be answered with no. This truth will die with me like other secrets I will take them with me. Eventually, the farewell ceremony ended, and we finally said goodbye to each other, most likely forever. I thought that I would feel sad leaving my job, but I felt almost nothing. I was even sure I would not miss it. I hope in my next life, there will be no 8 working hours at all. I mean I had enough of work in this life and enough is enough.

Time Machine

Over time we live only in pictures.

And every picture has its own story.

After leaving the company, I stayed at home for some days and enjoyed spending time with my family. This had not happened for a long time and over time it had occurred less and less. Alan wanted to take a break from work or at least work more from home. I convinced him that there was no need for it as I was able to do everything myself and there was no need to take care of me. I absolutely did not need any support at that time. Of course, with time this would change, but now I was fine. I noticed that the girls also tried to stay home more and started to go out less. This was what I was afraid of that everyone would start to adapt or change their lives just because I was sick. I never wanted our lives or daily routines to change. I felt that they just constantly remind me that I was about to die. One day I told them it would not help if everyone stopped living their life the way it was before. I wanted the girls to go to school, to parties, meet their friends, and enjoy their time before graduation and eventual participation in university. I wanted Alan to keep watching his podcasts, create amazing buildings, and surprise everyone with his art. I tried to make my message clear as much as I could. The rest was their choice to make, and I believe they made me think that they agreed.

I finally could start with the implementation of my plan as time was running and my deadline was approaching with every day. First on my list was to finish making the family album, which I had started a year ago. I did not even remember what motivated me to do this. It was probably one of my many impulsive decisions like shopping for a new dress or a new haircut. One of those moments when you have motivation and a minute later you lose it and just continue with the next crazy idea. When I started the album, I was just shocked and thought that I would die before I could finish it. I thought about even crossing the album off from my to do list. The year I stopped was 2019, like I had still 5 or even more years left. I could not even imagine how many pictures I had to print. I did not even start with selecting pictures. I also wanted to make one album with pictures of my parents and sister. The idea of making albums felt like mission impossible. There were times I regretted it and thought even if I lived another 10 years, I would not have enough time to finish all albums. But I had started this war, and I wanted to bring it to the end.

With each pasted photo my past and all the associated memories started coming back. I looked at my past and I saw myself as a woman who succeeded in almost everything in life. This woman had a loving husband and two beautiful daughters. She was successful in her career and achieved most of her goals. She met great people who encouraged her to be a better person and filled her life with a lot of joy. She traveled almost the whole world. She had her principles and lived her values. There were things she did not manage to do, but she looked happy and satisfied. But that was only part of her story. She had journeyed a long way to get to where she was, but she was never sure that she was in the right place. Maybe this was because she thought that she did not deserve any of this, that none of it belonged to her, or she simply never knew where she was going, and why. But none of this mattered now because she could not change anything. She could have done it earlier, but now she simply did not have time for it.

I started with an album with pictures of my parents and sister and tried not to forget any special family moments. When I started to sort pictures in chronological order, I realized some of our family moments were missing. I decided that this would not be a big deal. The whole of this process was very emotional and brought a lot of happy tears. I thought it was a pity that we cannot go back in time. Every picture was reminding me not only about every happy family moment, but also about regrets, pain, and decisions made in the past. Some of them I doubt even today. I was holding one photo of our family at the airport, when we were leaving to the States on a student exchange program for half a year. In the photo our parents stood hugging us and I could still feel their love even through the photo. Under the photo was the inscription” Emil, Diana and girls, 1998”. Diana and Emil were our parents’ names. Our parents were very happy for and wished us to explore the world as much as we could. That day at the airport no one thought that we would return home later than was planned. After our program ended, we decided to stay for one year extra because we were excited to live our life and did not want to miss this opportunity. This was one of the best experiences we had. We got to know not only many amazing people, but also learned important life lessons. We learned to challenge our perceptions and understanding about the world around us. We questioned and reflected upon our perspectives and even had to rethink them. It was not easy to accept that all we know can be far away from the truth and reality we are living in.

It was one of our best life experiences ever, but it was difficult when it came to our parents. The year we left they were supposed to turn 40 years old, and it was their first birthday without us for a long time. At the beginning of the trip, we talked and called each other very often. They were glad that we lived in a time where mobile communications and the internet existed. Dad kept saying if this was the time of their youth, we would simply be lost forever. They always asked the same questions about how we live and what we do, including what we eat, how often we eat, are we cold, do we get sick, or how we are sleeping. Over time, these questions began to make us mad and impatient, and we were very ashamed for having these feelings. We understood that these rare calls and trivial questions were all they could do because we were not around. For a long time in their lives we had been the epicenter of it and in just a year we simply disappeared. They feared and felt how with each passing year we would get more and more separated from them. All they wanted was our attention. This was so little, but sometimes we could not give them even this. We felt like the worst of children and were killed by the guilt that we were not grateful enough for everything our parents had done for us. Often this guilt came after conversations with mom because dad may have been hurt, but he never showed it or expressed it. But our mom would get hurt, start crying, and sometimes would say that we do not appreciate all the sacrifices they made for us. These words of hers killed every time. For a very long time we felt shame and guilt and hated ourselves for not loving our parents as they deserved it. We were sure that we had let them down.

My parents met each other as they were students. They had a common circle of friends. As mom told us, dad was already dating her friend when she just started a relationship with dad’s friend. That seemed to us a very weird story, but we did not ask much about it. Only the two of them know the truth. When we once asked how it happened that they ended up being together dad answered that it took them a lot of time to become a couple. At first, they became good friends after his girlfriend left him and my mom broke with her boyfriend because he betrayed her. He said with time he started to get to know my mom from a completely different side. And somehow, he realized that he wanted to be her boyfriend. He added that often when people think about partners to share their lives with, they care more about what they want and less about what they need. He was lucky to find a person he not only wanted to be with but also needed to be with. Mom later said that she fell in love with dad long before he noticed her. They dated for one year and then got married. Even today I believe they were too young to enter adult life. They both studied, but never graduated. My dad once said back then young people almost never thought about the future. Dad worked as a technician in a car service center and mom was a tailoress at a local clothing factory. One-day dad met his good old friend, who had lived in Germany for a long time and came to visit his family. In one of their conversations, he told my dad that his company in Germany was looking for technicians and suggested to him that he should apply. He said that he would talk to the manager and recommend him. Both my parents had the opportunity to learn German at school. He assured my dad he would help and support as much as he could if everything would work out. He mentioned to him it would not be easy, but it was worse not to try. After a discussion with mom, he gave his application to his friend and after some time he was invited to work in Germany. However, they could not move to Germany together. Dad moved to German first and tried to prepare everything till the time mom would come. She left her job at the factory and came later. Thereafter, mom started sewing clothes and textiles to order at home.

Leaving Almaty and their families to move to Germany was a turning point in the history of our family, which presented many difficulties and challenges that would be faced in the future. As our parents remembered, they earned little, but it was enough for a small family with two small children.

All being said they stayed here forever and never went back. Dad always said they never had time or the resources to travel and visit their family. All the time they had they had to think how to survive. With time their family became smaller and smaller and everyone they knew had died. For the younger generations they were just strangers from stories their parents might have told them. So, we also knew nothing about our family outside Germany. As we were growing older, we started to question our identity and wanted to know about our routes. There was a time the topic of knowing and having an identity became very popular. We talked about it and asked dad. I remember him saying “I have the impression that young people today do not have any worries or maybe have so much time so that they can afford to lean back and question identity and whatsoever you have in mind”. I could have started arguing with him but understood that it would not bring anything. I knew that they had different worries and problems to solve back then. Besides they never thought about their identity because they knew what it was. Why question something when it is obvious. It was different for us, but they did not fully understand it and it would not be their fault. I agreed with dad on the point that questioning our identity was a matter of luxury that not everyone can afford. It was a matter of privilege to deal with this topic. It required time and resources to think about it, and in real life not everyone can just lean back and the first thing they have in mind is what is their identity. I believe if someone needs an answer, there must be a time for it.

They became parents early, just like others in those days. They had a life to live but dedicated it to building a family and having kids. Nobody prepared them for being parents and it was a process of learning by doing. Even today nothing has changed in this sense. They grew up with the idea that relationships between children and parents were about giving and paying back. It was a model in which children are the joy of life and the greatest happiness, but at the same time they are an investment in the future. The return on investment was taking care of the parents in old age and unconditional love, obedience, and submission. Often the price children must pay is life, time, resources, and energy. Over time Aria and I began to accept it as a given fact and reality, which our parents will always live. We did not see it as a reason to accuse them of anything or to prove they are wrong just because the modern world is promoting different parenting models, which might also change with time. The danger of all trends is that today they might be actual, but tomorrow no longer as people start look for other values and needs in life. With time we finally understood that relationships with parents require a lot of work. We learned the rules, which helped us to function with each other better. It may sound like manipulation but aren’t many relationships about this. Or is a relationship about playing a game, where you are lucky if you know the rules. We did what we could to make them feel loved and safe even if we could get hurt. We continued to have disputes, but we never stopped respecting each other. By observing the life of our parents and their relationships Aria and I learned our first lessons. They played a role not only in our development as individuals but also in our perception of the world.

I took a different picture and suddenly another thought crossed my mind. I felt like I was looking at my past and saw someone else. It happened to me once a while when I felt like I was living someone else’s life and my place should have been somewhere else. Maybe being a wife and mother was not about me. I tried to remember at what point my life had gone along this path, as well as when everything turned out so that Alan was my husband, I had kids and lived in this nice house. Is there anything that predetermined all this? I exactly remembered the moment when I was going straight down the road and turned left to take a different road. I just ignored and pretended for a very long time to forget some part of my past. This way it is easier to live a created illusion.

I was deep in my thoughts on this point when I was interrupted by Ciara. She had just arrived after school and offered me help with the album. I did not mind because without help I would not finish it before my deadline. She saw me holding a photo where I was with my sister. It was her graduation celebration. Ciara asked me:

— Do you still miss her? It is strange because I do not remember her a lot. I just have some memories but still don’t have a full picture of her or can even imagine her.

— Honey, you were still a kid and too small to remember anyone. Your dad and I were happy that babies can identify their parents as their parents, even though I have no idea how it works. I should know it, but I do not know.

— Maybe you are right, but even pictures do not help. All I can say is that I see you there.

— Baby, then you do not need any glasses, and this is good news.

— How can you stay so calm considering that.

— Considering that I will die soon. Dear, I wished I could explain it to you. I just think that my time would have come sooner or later. Of course, we all have a number in our head, but we can have less or more.

— Do not you think it is unfair? I try to be rational and try to see things through your eyes, but I get angry anytime.

— If I say that it is unfair, then I should know what would be fair? It would be only fair if I would live longer.

— I find unfair, because I want you there when I will graduate university, meet a nice guy, and get married. I want you at my wedding and want you to meet your grandchildren. It is all I ask for — she started to cry.

— I look at all these pictures and I am grateful for the time I had. You still have me, so I will be a grandmother even if I will exist only on pictures. Now I do not find any words, which will help you. I cannot also take your pain away. But I believe you will learn how to be, but it will take time.

— I am trying to find answers, but it seems they do not exist.

— Maybe it is just not the right time to look for them.

— Maybe, you are right. All I know is that I do not know anything.

— Well, that’s already something.

— I have a feeling that this album for you is like one mission to be complete before…

— Yes, it is correct. But you know I regretted it, the moment I started. Who knew that we have over 1000 pictures.

— Even more are on our phones.

— Well, your phone, your pictures your responsibility.

— Sure, would you mind if I will help you with that? It looks like you are running out of time.

— I thought you would not ask, but glad you did. It would be great if you will help. As you said the clock is ticking

— We have a deal, then. I will help after school. I will order craft things to add some creativity.

— I love the way you are saying, “Mom sorry it looks boring.

— Everything is as you taught me, I am a good student.

— OK good student, let me finish here. It is almost dinner time.

— No problem

— Oh, by the way if you want me at your wedding, we can make it happen. Any candidates for this role? Or has this vacant position already been filled? I can even stay for the birth of my grandchildren. If you will speed up!

— Mom let’s finish your albums. As another great teacher says, we should always prioritize.

— True, your dad knows everything about priorities.

— See you then at dinner. I heard you are ordering pizza. This is exactly what I need.

— Always at your service

Making an album soon turned into a family mission as everyone was helping me out with it. Almost every evening we would gather in the living room, which by that time I had already turned in a photo studio. I even bought a special printer for pictures as I was too lazy to bring them to the store. I wanted to use the least energy and time as possible for this task. I even understand people when they say that the greatest inventions of the world were invented because someone wanted to get results with much less time invested.

This album would be a heritage piece for our family. It was a very emotional process to go back to the past and live again all the moments and experiences we had together. Some we remembered as if it was yesterday and some we could barely remember. We all recalled that during our family trip to Paris, we had to buy a new lock to hang on the bridge because Aylin forgot to take the one she designed. This made her very upset, but at least we could find a new one in her favorite color, which is black. Eventually, the lock she made we hung on the bridge near to John Lennon wall in Prague. A third lock is in Portugal. After this we stopped doing it as we lost interest, and it did not become a tradition. Alan and I could recall the moment of our falling wedding cake when a waitress accidently hit the table where it was. Honestly speaking, I was ready to kill the waitress. It was one of the moments when your perfect plan is not safe from uncertainties. I often ask myself why we keep planning everything if life keeps planning everything for us and always differently. What I did not remember was that Alan stepped on my feet during our wedding dance and accidentally damaged my dress. He told me that I was angry and wanted to kill him. I was listening to him telling me these details and simply did not recall anything at all. It is amazing how our memory can save some memories in all their detail, but at the same time can make you forget others by erasing every detail. Maybe it is for the better, or maybe it is for the worse, no one knows.

Looking at baby pictures, it was incredible to see how quickly time flew by and the girls turned from babies into two beautiful young ladies. I remembered my discussion about parenting with Aria. We always said we must be sure that parenting is what we want. To have children just because everyone has them was not an option for us. Although I always doubted, that I ever could be or would be a parent, I never denied it. However, I also never actively wished to become a mother one day. I could not stop questioning how sure we are in our wish to have children. Is it really what we want, or do we want this because society made us believe it is what we want. How would it be if we knew another model of the world, where parenting would not be considered as a must have or would not exist at all. How and when did parenting become more than just a biological process of making sure the survival of our genes. Who did romanticize it? It is like never asking why green is called green and not red or red is not yellow. We learned that green is green, red is red and two times two is four and these are facts to be accepted. This was perfectly described in the Viktor Pelewin’s book “Snuff”: “We know this life as were not taught another one”. Whenever I was discussing this with Aria, she could get mad. She once told me that questioning and analyzing will not make me get closer to the truth or any answers. It would rather make me forgot what my actual question was. Even today when I have two beautiful girls, I have not stopped wondering. However, none of the questions matter now. But I still fear making more damage by trying not to repeat the mistakes of my parents. Particularly now, when everyone is talking and sharing about childhood traumas. What I know is that I cannot protect them from everything.

Aylin and Ciara did not like some of their baby pictures. They wondered why parents dress babies without any sense of fashion. They told us it seems that we did not even think about how they would look or whether it suited them at all. It was a fact I had to accept, and I could not disagree with them. Alan just replied, that we are grateful it is now your own responsibility. My girls have a two year age difference. Many parents know that the only thing worse than one teenager is two. Moreover, they are so different like fire and water. Ciara is temperamental, energetic, full of life, and loves to get what she wants. Most importantly she always knows how to make her wishes come true no matter what they are about. She would find a way out from any situation she is in. She is person who could make quick decisions, and her motto was “It could be worse”. Compared to her Aylin is very calm, much more unsure of herself and likes comfort. She often has doubts and always questions not only her abilities, but every move and decision she makes. Sometimes she spends time thinking and analyzing about how to handle something until it is too late to do anything. Sometimes her indecisiveness and inaction lead to decisions she is not comfortable with just because she ends up being under pressure. It takes a long ride, but at the end she achieves her goals anyway. She just wants to make sure she is doing everything right. I am worried sometimes that this might be the biggest obstacle, that she put in her own way. But she has Ciara, and she will not let her down.

One evening when sorting out the old pictures, Aylin came across a photo of me and my sister. It was a picture from our graduation ceremony at school. We held our diplomas and smiled at the camera. Ciara noticed that we had totally different styles of outfit even though we looked both stunning. She was always more about casual jeans and classic suit style, and she could have delicate, elegant, and sexy dress style depending on the occasion. That evening I was in a classic black suit made from satin, and she was dressed in a long red dress with a long slit and open back. She loved dresses with open backs. I looked at her and thought that she was born to be a model. But as we knew later, it was not about her. Afterwards we had an amazing celebration and of course a great after-party. This night meant the beginning of a new chapter in our lives, and we were both excited even though we did not know what was about to come. However, the start was quite promising.

Looking at that picture, I suddenly I remembered about us and our shared past. We both had to grow up early and started to see the world around us as adults. We never complained of not having a childhood, whatever this really means. As any child has, we had our dreams for the future without having a clear plan of how to get there. Every year we had a new goal to reach and our plans kept changing over the years. But we always wished to build a different life than our parents had. Both of us had our own interpretation of a bright future. We always had each other’s shoulder to lean on and cry. We were very different, but still had a very strong bond between us. No matter how often we would disagree or even fight, we would always find our way back to each other. I always wonder why people talk so little about relationships between siblings as if it is not important to be mentioned or to work on.

We often talked about building a happy and long-lasting relationships with our partners or about the importance of our relationships with our parents or kids. There are hundreds of books teaching the best ways to be good partners, good parents, or good children. Every new innovative approach in parenting or building relationships easily replaces the other as soon as enough people start to believe it. After all we have a movement of people promoting not only what happy relationships are, but also how to get there. The only problem for normal human beings is that we have a life to manage and there is no time left to think about our relationships. Aria was always ready to take more risks, experiment with her life, or try some new things. I always envied this, and she envied my persistence in seeing things through to the end. I preferred to move within given and settled structures and rules, which would not innovate or change fast. We were so similar and so different at the same time. Despite our differences we were each other’s favorite person. She once told me I will always be your partner in crime. If you need me with you to rob a bank, I will do it without asking. I will never question you because I believe that you have a reason to do so. I am sure my two girls will be also best friends.

After graduation, I went to university and I choose to study economics, which was not really a creative and flexible field. I also thought that studying economics would probably open more possibilities for professional growth than having one specific focus. Well how little did I know then. There were moments when I regretted my decision, when I thought I should have chosen something related to design or art. But all in all it was neither a bad nor a wrong choice. I always wish to take more time to figure out where my interests are and what I really love to do.