Бесплатный фрагмент - Don’t eat yourseld

DON’T EAT YOURSELF. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Introduction

The book’s goal is to demonstrate the importance of self-care and offer practical recommendations and exercises on how to put it into practice. In it, you’ll find popular science articles, psychologically oriented fairy tales about the “Vital Fox”, verbatim descriptions of two real-life consultations with clients, and reflections on personal development training and the powerful psychological exercises it contains. I think the general spirit of the book can be revealed by this small note:

Don’t eat yourself

“You know, sometimes you make mistake and then you scold yourself.

Whatever you did then, it’s necessary. There’s still much to experience in life. And one day, death will come.

Maybe you should ask yourself, why did you do it? What need did you want to satisfy? And it’s important that it’s a genuine question, not a annoyed claim to yourself.

I’m also sure that no one has ever truly stepped on the same rake. Each time, their actions are fundamentally different, even though they may seem similar.

Right this second, somewhere, someone needs support. His little paw hurts. After all, we will not to do him more pain. So, and you shouldn’t eat yourself either”.

May the reading be enjoyable and the conclusions useful.

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

The voice within you decides

A long time ago, I’ve been convinced that to lead my life to the very good state, I need to overcome many global intellectual challenges.

Understand who I am, where I’m going? Why does the World exist? And many other philosophical and psychological questions. And then there will be happiness. Maybe. Or maybe not. But there’s a more lively and pleasant way.

— To listen to your inner voice and feel your state. And ask yourself: is this what i want right now? Do i want what’s happening to me to happen further? This question is really important in those moments when you’re feeling down, confused, or sad about something.

Let’s check.

Right now, you’re reading this text. Are you comfortable sitting/standing/lying in this particular position? Do you want it this way? If not, you can change it.

Have you made plans for today? Do you like them all? Are there any that aren’t based on your own desires, but are based on habits, “automatic rails”? If you’re honestly feeling overwhelmed and you really don’t want to realize some plans, it, then you can forget about them, cancel them, or change them, or throw out, or discuss your emotional state with someone.

The idea is to catch yourself in those moments when you stop feeling the “a sense of calm satisfaction from the process of life” and make minimal, but so necessary adjustments to this situation.

There’s a common misconception about this. I had one myself. Sometimes I’d ask myself, “Do I want this right now?”. And start expecting something like this: now, in theory, the heavens should open, and I’ll hear a voice from there telling me what to do. And then, I’ll know what to do.

Of course, there was no heavenly voice. And of course, I continued to do the same crap that I was suffering from. That is, I was waiting for some kind of sign.

But it does not exist. And the voice is inside, and the thoughts that run through head are very accessible. It’s important to catch them more skillfully.

It should be even easier if to know that before the inner voice “settled” in the head, it had come a long way. And the psyche helped this happend.

The beauty of the psyche (soul) is that while we’re alive, it creates new parts of our inner world — subpersonalities — from everything it comes across. These are like “copies” of other people in our head. More precisely, “copies” of these people’s behavior, their statements, views, habits, and so on.

Why does the psyche do this? For example, a pie is delicious and filling — you want and need to eat it!? And you do it. In a similar way with the psyche. It “absorbs” everything that’s interesting and vital. Do you remember good moments in your life? For example:

— when you noticed that someone treated you kindly,

— did something good for you,

— listened to you and supported you when others couldn’t.

And it was precisely in these moments that the psyche “absorbed,” that is, learned to do the same from these people. After that, it began to understand you a little better: how and to what you react; how to make you feel good; when it’s important to calm you down, and when it would be good to cheer you up. Metaphorically speaking, a true friend lives in our heads, and although they are impossible to touch, their influence is no less powerful than that of other people.

Try listening now

For example, you can try this: stop and freeze (literally), and slowly listen to what your inner voice is saying.

Most likely, in the first few moments, you’ll have to listen and discern where you hear yourself, and where the background of a multitude of insignificant information. It often happens that thoughts about something important were already flashing through your mind repeatedly. And today too.

The voice often “asks” you to make a choice. You may have to make a minor choice, or, on the contrary, an important one. Or maybe your communication session will prepare you for a future choice.

A heavy and scary choice

People not infrequently tend to dismiss their inner voice, trying to avoid listening. Because it often speaks directly and presents a difficult choice as soon as you give him the floor. Some cases of choices:

— To trust (to belive) a person or not?

— To leave your family or stay?

— To leave an unbearable job or stay?

— To reveal a secret to your loved ones or die with it?

— To marry, or to trust your legs and run?

— How to treat someone you don’t know how to treat?

— To conceive a child with this person or not? To give birth or to have an abortion?

— To move or to stay?

— To change careers or to hope for a miracle?

— To trust yourself, or “I already trusted myself once… it was a bad experience, so I’ve had enough…”

Want to hear a horror story about this?

— When you make a decisive and bold choice, you often can feel empty and alone. Although, at that moment, would be more useful understanding and closeness.

— There is no objective device or person in the world who can measure the correctness of the decision (choose) taken.

— Choice is inextricably linked with risk. Also there are plenty of “conservative experts” out there who love to burn people at the stake who stumble in their choices.

And want to hear something positive about this?

— Even though it sometimes seems like there are only two alternatives to choose from — “black or white,” but in reality, there are an infinite number, like the colors of a rainbow

— Close ones will remain close ones and will become willing to deal with the consequences of your choice. You’ll get to know the true face of your pseudo-close ones. Then you’ll decide whether you need them or not.

— Yes, there’s no objective measuring device for assessment your decision (choose). But, there is a subjective one. When after your choice, you will feel yourself calm and satisfied, even if on the outside, life seems more like a mess.

— As a child, I wanted everyone close around me to be alive. Many are gone. Back then, I thought life without them was impossible. But it is possible.

Sometimes it seems that after an important choosing, life will become unbearable. It’s scary. And then a person may unconsciously decides not to choose. To do anything, but not to return to the necessity of choice. And then the necessity of choice insensibly disappear, giving way to the daily routine. And that path is possible, too, why not. Ultimately, truth, health problems. The psychosomatics, after all, does not sleep.

How to finally force yourself?

• There’s no need to force yourself; ⠀

• There’s no need to hang over yourself like an angry bird of prey; ⠀

• No need to look at your watch and regret that just a minute ago you could have forced yourself, and this moment would now have been purer than the last; ⠀

• No need to force yourself, you’re already ok!

• No need to trust people who promote the phrase “force yourself”. They are fools. ⠀

There is a sense to leave yourself alone. It makes sense to wag now in the direction you like. It makes sense to stop before you realize where you want to wag.

There’s no point in dreaming about anything in the spirit of “Napoleonic plans”. But it makes sense to know what you like. After all we do we like, easily and with interest. And then there’s no need to force yourself. In the end forcing yourself means going against nature. Whereas it make sense to arrange with yourself.

A few words about how to understand who “i am” and where “i am”

I know several paths, can help better understand yourself.

Well, for beginning we will try to find where hide “i am”. At first glance it seems that super easy. Everybody know where i am, and where not i am, that is — others. But let’s look to small things.

Well, i am not my body. I am very connected to it, but it is not me. I have a character, a temperament, but that is also not me. I experience emotions, but they are also not me. Perhaps the “I am” is somewhere deep inside? But I can’t say that my “I am” lives in my brain.

Anything that is not me can change regardless of my desires.

The body, for example, can age become ill. And the brain can forget information that I would very much like to recall at that moment. Or he might show me a hallucination. That is, the brain can also get sick. Emotions can overflow when I would rather not. And so on.

Then, who am I?

I am the one who controls all of this. As far as possible. The one who makes important life decisions and takes actions.

Remember when you made a significant decision you really loved, and the feeling you had when you brought it to life. After all, could say that at that moment, you felt a clear sense of who you were. That is “I am” is not embodied in something physical thing, but is reveal itself in moments of the life, and in the feeling of “i am”.

I can’t stop blame or be angry at myself because…

It’s hard to see people, feeling guilty, seeming to lose trust in themselves, and taking rather strict control over themselves, monitoring themselves to prevent possible future mistakes.

But I haven’t witnessed this approach working good. As a result, people get only an emotional tension.

There are a few questions that might help you.

• What objective reasons do you have for blaming yourself?

• Are you being too hard on yourself right now?

• What are you blaming yourself for? Describe it in detail

• What did you do wrong? Why? Could you have acted differently?

• What can you change right now? What does your intuition tell you?

• What kind of support do you need now?

• How would you react if your best friend or loved one exhibited

• similar behavior? Would you blame them? Or?

• How would your loved one treat you in this situation? Would they offer any advice?

Let’s talk about secondary gain

Imagine someone has some kind of psychological problem. He know about it. It influences his life, and it is usually not good. That’s what makes it a problem.

Naturally, the person wants to get rid of it.

He try everything he can with it, but it doesn’t go away.

Sometimes the problem retreats for a while, let the person get some sleep. But then the person wakes up, goes to brush their teeth, and the problem is right there again. And it all starts over again.

little by little the person loses faith that there’s any cure for his problem in the world.

Can i then declare that this person has gain from his problem?

In the end, if it’s not beneficial, then why doesn’t they get rid of it?

Ultimately, any psychological problem can be cured.

Not that it’s beneficial to him… Rather, it’s safer and more familiar.

And if you are anything like this person, so here are some ideas on what you can do.

Perhaps you should acknowledge the positive function of the problem. The ones problems tend to obscure other problems. And while we are care about one, it’s as if the others don’t exist. That is easier to live. Because we are not yet ready to face that other problem, which we have not yet been able to recognize, but already unconsciously we have a premonition that it will something very serious.

Not yet ready — ok. There’s no need to jump in with both feet. But for the beginning you can find the answers to the following questions.

Imagine that the pressing problem no longer exists. Absolutely not. It’s gone.

• What kind of life will you have then? What will be the main difference between life before and after?

• Do you like the image of future you imagine?

• And if yes, so what small step are you ready to make right now to cope the problem and move closer to a better future?

I know how to feel very important

— you stop what you’re doing.

— you turn all your attention to your breathing.

— you pay attention on how this breathing began at the very beginning of your life.

And it hasn’t stopped for a single moment.

At the very beginning of your life, you took your first breath. And at this moment, you take another, thereby continuing the activity you began many years ago.

It’s similar with the eyes.

Close-open-close-open-…

Many years ago, you opened eyes for the first time and saw the place where you will spend all your new life. And right now these same eyes are reading these words.

Neither your breath nor your eyes have ever taken a vacation, they don’t know a day off, nor do they know a break.

Now that’s important! Such a serious system supports your life. So efficiently. And it only makes itself known on rare occasions.

Individuality

Is it a value in the modern world?

I think so. Overall, the world benefits on all levels when people, having discovered their unique characteristics, bring new things to it and set the direction for development.

What are the pros and cons of expressing or limiting individuality?

To answer, I’ll use a russian psychological saying:

“One is born an individual, one becomes a personality, one defends one’s individuality”.

Defending individuality requires a great deal of effort. This includes recognizing (finding) within oneself what thing must defend.

The limitations stem from the fact that in the process of realizing individuality, a person is left alone with themselves, lacking instructions and templates by which he could act.

And in defending individuality, one typically encounters resistance from everything familiar, formulaic, and conservative. Therefore, people often need support.

One could say that individuality is now in vogue.

“Demonstrative counterfeits” are appearing. Easy ways to achieve it are offered: eating fashionable food, wearing clothes, cars, etc. In other words, using the external trappings of individuality without making any changes to one’s personality or life. Like “let’s will be candy wrapper instead of the candy itself”.

By embracing individuality, a person gains access to positive experiences associated with creating their own life. They gain the opportunity to give something useful to the world. They are freed from the need to live against their desires.

RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE

Why do we feel uncomfortable in relationship with some people?

Relationships with certain people can sometimes feel uncomfortable. There’s a term called “depression” (from the Latin deprimo, meaning “to press,” “to suppress”), which, at first glance, describes a sad state of mind that has arisen for a not entirely clear reason. Although Depression often stems from pressure from others. Interestingly, this pressure isn’t always noticeable.

Today, we seem to live without any obvious pressure. We drive to work ourselves, no one drags us by the legs in the morning. And politicians even care about our opinions. We have freedom. *However, when i wrote this text, no one had yet forced us to go on the war. Ok. Here i will try to ignore this fact.

So what makes that pressure?

It arises when someone uninvited has broken through the fence into “my inner temple”. After that they settle in, and have the audacity to do whatever they want. Now I’ll explain with an example from my own life.

I was little. I was riding the bus, sitting by the window. Then she came in… A large granny, who sat down next to me, pinned me against the window, and rode on.

Do you know this feeling?

Imagine — she and i have a common universe, a common land, a common city, a common bus, common seats… And granny decided all it was hers alone. Her resolve was so strong inside that it didn’t even allow her to really notice me. To her, I was more like something that a little bother her under right side. I was a good boy. So at that age, I was already afraid of grannies, because they screamed terribly. And i decided not to rebel.

That is, a depressive state occurs when:

1. Someone has invaded my personal boundaries (has broken through the fence) with their own agenda. The agendas are usually rather strange: they’re trying to lecture you, take advantage of you (to ride me), mock you, or assert themselves at your expense.

2. While at that moment, I want to concern with my life. But for various reasons, I can’t fight back and am forced to focus on the disturber of my peace.

3. Well, my attention becomes fixated on the negative, and my mood plummets. For example, back then, I hated this granny the whole time. Although a beautiful city floated past the bus window. My eyes saw this city, but i didn’t notice it. Because i was passively angry.

I’m sure that if you have a life-or-death situation, then hardly any “granny” will get through the fence! And in everyday life, to be honest, everyone has a hole in the fence of their “inner temple” through which those we’re not particularly happy to see can slip or stride.

We can live with that. After all, no one died. But all these “unnecessary guys” take up time, demand attention, and ruin our mood.

Here’s how to develop attention to these moments: try to spot from afar this someone who has their eye on “your temple” and is already looking for a hole in the fence. Or is climbing on you for a ride.

• Do you want this to go on?

• Are you afraid of something now?

• What can you do right now to prevent it?

• Update the reason why you intend to defend yourself now.

And one more thing. When you acknowledge that you, too, sometimes unintentionally become a “granny”, you will find it much easier to negotiate boundaries with others.

I can not say no!

I’d say one of the main reasons people find it difficult to say “No” (even when they really want to) is the fear of loneliness.

Here’s one possible chain of thoughts that unfolds in a person’s head (primarily in their subconscious) when they’re torn between the answers “Yes” or “No”:

If I answer “No” => then I won’t be meeting the other person’s demands and expectations at this moment => and that means I:

a) will be demoted, fired, or disadvantaged (if I say “no” to my boss)

b) will be a bad or unfaithful friend (if I say “no” to a friend)

c) will be the reason my loved ones are upset (if I say “no” to someone in my family). This means that the thin thread of trust that previously connected us could break.

And if you look at all three consequences (a, b, c), you’ll notice that they all share a sense of loneliness.

Loneliness is a state everyone is familiar with. It doesn’t refer to the absence of people around you, but to an internal state when you realize that you need to do almost everything in life by yourself.

If you’re ready to face loneliness, say “No.” If you’re not, continue to be the good guy, agreeable, and complaisant.

If you’re ready, here are some thoughts to support you:

— You can’t get enough air before death. And you can’t escape loneliness. Accept loneliness as a given. No, don’t get 40 cats.

— Loneliness itself serves a very important function.

You can tell those you don’t like to fuck off.

Yes, you’ll probably upset someone and lose them along the way (comrades or friends). But there’s no need to be afraid, because the people who are loyal and love you will stay with you no matter what.

To start saying “No,” you don’t have to immediately and loudly refuse everyone everything. Change the course of events the first time. How exactly you refuse shouldn’t matter. The main thing is to answer the way you want to answer.

When your “No” takes effect, you can take a calculator and calculate how much time in your life you saved by doing it. Otherwise, you’d had to do something you don’t want again.

Feel the difference in emotions… Saying “No” feels good, doesn’t it? But agreeing to everything is depressing.

***

When you’re hesitant and find it hard to say “no”, but you don’t want to say “yes”, you can try to detect the manipulation your interlocutor is directing at you.

How can you recognize it?

— They might praise you, noticing the most tantalizing details about your personality, and only then casually ask for one small favor. Wake up. They do it only to get a “Yes” from you and then dump their problems on you.

— or they hint at your guilt. They say that if you don’t do what they ask, everyone will die. And the first to die is the person asking you. But not just die, they’ll die a painful death. And who’s to blame? Wake up.

A manipulator always has several options in reserve. So, if you refuse completely, they don’t die, but move on to Plan B, and pester someone else. If Plan B doesn’t work, then to Plan C, D, and so on.

I don’t know whether people should be beaten for such manipulation or not. However, I do know that manipulation is roughly divided into “everyday” and “professional”.

Everyday manipulation is something people are used to. There’s little or no malicious intent. That’s just the way it is. Professional manipulation, on the other hand, has an intent that’s hidden from our eyes. This is the kind of manipulation used in the media, politics, and marketing. Here I was talking more about everyday manipulation.

LOVE, SEX, CHEATING, BREAKUP

Painful love

When the stages of a relationship follow roughly this sequence:

1. People are quickly drawn to each other.

2. They experience a heavenly and intense pleasure, as if sent from above.

3. They experience excruciating soul pain, also, for some reason, sent from above.

4. They push away from each other, vowing never to come close again.

5. While separated, they accumulate disappointments in their own apart lives.

6. And then again and again. They are drawn and repelled…

This kind of painful love is romanticized. It’s often depicted in popular films, songs, plays, drunken conversations, conversations with friends, talk shows, and discussions of fate…

Thus, painful love is presented as a fairly ubiquitous phenomenon, difficult to bear, yet seemingly possessing a forbidden appeal that’s rarely discussed openly. For sweet, undisguised suffering is a social sin.

However, of course, such love isn’t the norm or the only kind of sublime emotion available to humanity.

Therefore, those who specialize in painful love, seeing other, stable, and strong loves without emotional upheavals, experience a desire to find such a love.

Then, it would seem, everything is clear:

Put an end to the painful relationship and move toward healthy love!

That’s the whole problem: the end just won’t come. And no matter how much persistence and determination a person shows, it still won’t come. Even if they’ve broken up, a short time passes before a strong desire to meet again and literally merge, despite all the pain from previous failed attempts, surges from the depths of the soul.

Where do such powerful desires come in the soul, that can so control a person?

From childhood.

There, the child didn’t receive the attention he desired, was deprived of care, his individuality was largely devalued and unaccepted. Or he wasn’t safe and suffered cruelty. Or he grew up in an unsuitable environment.

This state of affairs creates a desire in a person to replenish what is belonging naturally theirs.

And it’s as if a command is sent to the brain: “You must quickly replenish what’s missing, at any cost!” However, at the same time, there’s no time to calmly and rationally consider such a serious life task.

The command has already been accepted for execution!

But then there are errors in the perception — wishful begin to replace reality. After all, the command says to act quickly.

Then, just a glance from an outwardly attractive person, i caught on myself, quickly turns into the certainty that he already loves me, and we will spend old age together. I’m exaggerating the degree of naivety, of course, but still.

And in the interval between now moment and old age, I will enjoy the attention, genuine interest, long-awaited care, acceptance, admiration…

And now I already feel that I love him. It has happened! A holiday has come into my life.

However, a person who rushes to carry out the brain’s command falls in love not so much with that other real person, but with own fantasies, with his idea of him, with an image.

Just as a man walking in the desert sees a mirage that will help him quench his thirst, so our hero sees in another a mirage that will fulfill his deepest dreams.

However, time passes, and his eyes open, but not yet completely.

It already becomes clear that the chosen love is not a mirage, but a genuine other person. That he possesses a number of personality traits that are difficult to enjoy and impossible to ignore.

Of course, the already half-disillusioned hero still strives to place his chosen one to the confines of his fantasies, demanding that he be this, that, and that… But chosen love resists.

And he resists so much that disappointment overwhelms our hero again:

“I didn’t receive this as a child. Will i not receive it and now!? Was it all in vain? Is everything really so unfair to me?”

Of course, he doesn’t engage in this exact internal dialogue with himself. This might happen in a psychologist’s office, when he gradually comes to a realization. But in everyday life, our hero doesn’t enter this area with such discussions, but rather experiences a generally difficult-to-describe dissatisfaction with himself, his life, his partner, and other life’s troubles that come his way.

And now, some time later, we see him, after several breakups and reunions, rationally reasoning: “There’s no future in this relationship. It’s just pain, and nothing more. I’m breaking up. This time, for sure!”

But it’s not that simple. In the end his needs were never met. There was only the illusion of their satisfaction. Moreover, in such situations, so-called tunnel perception.

Thus, a person believes that they can only receive love from one person, because they once felt it with that person: “I can’t love anyone else, and no one will love me”. And tunnel perception is called tunnel because the person is unable to look around, and see other people, but is convinced, that person is their only chance.

Therefore, no matter how many times a person breaks up and kills love through sheer force of will, anyway they still harbor in their souls a childish, naive, yet firm conviction that something will change any minute now, and everything will be fine… And they will finally get what they deserve!

People prefer to keep this confidence a secret from the skeptical gazes of “adults who don’t understand anything, callous, and unromantic.”

Furthermore, this belief in a happy future, despite obvious inconsistencies, is also ingrained by the unique experience of spending time together.

Such problematic couples often have a third “partner” — a mind-altering substance. This allows the couple to escape the shackles of “boring adult life” and embark on a journey into a world of sublime feelings and vibrant experiences.

After experiencing some setbacks, people seek help from a psychologist, but even here, failures can be lurking. They come seeking Insight, a sudden epiphany that will finally help them put everything in its place.

However, sudden Insight aren’t sold by psychologists. They are a reward for the clients’ painstaking thought. And then, of course, ways to replenish the deficient love are found.

And painful love, with the client’s complete dedication, has no chance of surviving during psychotherapy and dissolves.

The customer learns to recognize important for they feelings in people, avoid making hasty choices, cope with difficult feelings, and ultimately, they move significantly closer to a relationship they can be satisfied with, without any “buts…". Well, almost without any “but…”.

Support — Sex

Both women and men, among other things, expect support from relationships.

But they don’t always receive it in a timely manner, in sufficient quantity, or of the desired quality.

Some view this state of affairs as normal.

Others are deeply distressed. This typically happens to those who experienced a significant lack of parental love and support in early childhood.

Then, in adulthood, they demand that their loved one “make up for” what they missed in childhood. In other words, they unconsciously view their loved one as a parent.

High expectations are placed on such a deputy of parent. Typically, I want them to be attentive, sensitive, understanding, kind, wise, and always, or almost always, able to find time to take care of me…

But if the deputy of parent fails to fulfill their responsibilities, they very quickly become bad — dry, angry, unfeeling, indifferent, unloving, selfish…

This is the drama that unfolds.

Then the deputy of parent is given another chance, then another, and another…

But they will not go far thus.

And those who want to go far come to psychotherapy.

There, through experience, they learn not to suffer when their loved one doesn’t provide them with support, but instead to seek support within themselves, without any resentment or misunderstandings.

They learn to provide support to their loved one, which they greatly enjoy.

They learn to distinguish between situations where and what kind of support from their loved one is needed, and situations in which the best solution is to rely on their own strength.

They learn to express their desire for support clearly and understandably, and they eliminate the passive-aggressive form of expecting support.

The topic of support is often linked to sexual relations.

Sex is often used as a “method” for relieving anxiety.

The unconscious logic goes something like this: I’m anxious, but I don’t know why. How about I get heavenly pleasure, because it’s always saved me.

I suggest this idea to my love human, but he doesn’t want to. He either says so directly or indirectly.

Calamity.

What should I do with my anxiety?

The result is arguments, accusations of lack of support, infidelity, and sometimes divorce, allegedly due to “sexual incompatibility.”

But those who don’t divorce, over time and through psychotherapy, understand that libido (sexual attraction) is a very sensitive and fragile thing. And if something is wrong with a person’s soul, their desire and interest in lovemaking will be completely absent, or at a low level. Then the central theme becomes not sex and support itself, but the history of the relationship’s development and the factors that led the couple to this state.

The Consequences of adultery and the Fear of Being Alone

An adultery happened

There were many grievances and arguments

Time passed, and the couple seemed to have returned to their normal lives

But something was wrong…

But who was cheated on has the bad taste lingered,

Metaphorically speaking, this bad taste might sound like this:

“He’s found a replacement for me. Now i learned that he can easily find someone to replace me. All his words about my exclusivity are lies. All my faith in our destiny and love is naive. I’m very confused and can’t trust him completely now. But it seems I have nowhere to go from him. I’ve become too accustomed to him, and I can’t imagine being alone without him. Therefore, I need to suppress my powerful feelings and forget”.

Yes, after a while, the adultery images stop popping into head every day, such like:

How did things go between them?

What did he say to her?

How did he behave?

How dare he do that?

How many times did they fuck and where?

And what is she like?

How is she better than me?

What attracted him to her?

Because the daily preoccupation with finding answers to these questions is a strain on the person themselves, their consciousness reduces their significance and shifts their attention to the mundane concerns of the present moment. Simply to avoid going crazy from self-flagellation and a storm of emotions.

Relationships are damaged

People become distant

Trust is lost

Quarrels for all sorts of reasons increase

And it seems to the “lovers” that they’re arguing about oversalted soup, or about disagreements over the interpretation of works of art, or about work issues, but they’re arguing about betrayal that occurred a year or even ten years ago.

The victim of adultery has an unconscious desire. She takes a wait-and-see attitude, like, “One more screw-up on his part, and I’ll break off our relationship because I’ll realize he is hopeless person”.

This position is self-deception, of course.

The problem is that the victim of adultery decides to suppress the resentment. That is, to “jump over” the hell that happened to them and move on with their life. But this is too powerful and significant an experience to be dismissed in this way. To close one’s eyes to it. To forget it, to lose it among other life events.

Therefore, in psychological work with adultery, it is important to contact to the point where it all happened and make the best choice for one’s own life after such a traumatic case.

If you’ve been cheated on, it’s sad.

If you’re deeply distressed by it, it’s normal.

If you’re trying to forget and ignore it, it’s unfair to oneself.

If you’re deeply upset and resentful toward the cheater, that’s understandable.

If you’ve yourself cheated on them before, then what happened is naturally.

If you’re angry toward the third person in your relationship triangle, that’s perfectly normal.

If you’re trying to heal a mental wound by entering into a new relationship, it’s ineffective and temporary.

If your self-esteem has been damaged, that’s inevitable.

If you are confident you can bring to reason the cheater, that’s naive.

If you feel obligated to seek revenge, it’s exciting, however such way won’t heal your pain.

If you believe that your super-intensified control over your cheater will yield positive results, so your aspiration for totalitarianism stems from deep resentment. The sooner you give up total control, the better off everyone will be.

If you’re hoping that a delicious meal you prepare will entice your cheater back into your home, you’re thinking like a grandmother. If you’re a grandmother, then okay. If not, then abandon that idea and start cooking delicious food for yourself.

If you’re resentful, embittered, distrustful, and often remind his infidelity, yet you continue the relationship, that’s neurotic.

If you always scolding him for what he did is useless, naive, and illogical.

If you’ve become more meticulous about grooming yourself and preening to rekindle the spark, that’s humiliating. Is this fair to your feelings?

If you’ve started drinking, smoking, and eating more, that’s to be expected.

If you think that the pain of betrayal can be poured out completely to friends, that’s funny.

If you think “all families live like this, and it’s fine…” — that’s not true.

If you’re trying to justify his actions, that’s masochistic.

If you still love him, you still haven’t recovered from the shock.

If you think you don’t want any more romantic relationship at all anymore, that’s hasty.

If you don’t know what to do, consult a psychologist — that’s logical.

They quarreled and quarreled, and then they separated.

What should do?

It’s all so painful. I want to close my eyes, then open them, and realize I imagined it. The unknown is frightening, and sadness is overwhelming.

And it begins to seem like something can be fixed.

At first, I resort to philosophy: I need to say something to my loved one To make him change his mind about leaving me. They’ll understand something that was previously implicit to them. It’s best if the statement is short, concise, and evokes deep feelings.

If that doesn’t work… then I can recall all the complaints he’s made against me before. I’ll deal with them. I’ll make a promise to fix everything, to take all their grievances into account. And if possible, I’ll tell it to them.

Sometimes, after this, the relationship is given a “second chance” (or tenth already). And of course, the promises aren’t kept, because they were made contrary to one’s values. And the author the promises was driven by a desire to return to a warm, pleasant, and loving relationship as quickly as possible.

He doesn’t like this. The already shaky relationship falls apart once again. This time even more completely. The realization of the uncompromising reality of what’s happening brings on a sense of dread.

This dread pushes one to seek the quick medicine for treatment love relation. Addictions flare up again, and so does the desire to escape this world into another.

The internet, for example, offers many things:

“Throw away all his things,” he says. “That way you’ll forget him faster.”

“Block him everywhere, do not call, do not message” he says.

On the internet, everything is always simple.

A word of warning:

It’s believed that discarded things will have a magical effect. Like: no his things-no memories-no problems.

Of course, you should get rid things, but not right away, and don’t perceive this as salvation. Otherwise, it’ll be doubly sad later, when suddenly the something bad happens, and the things already lying in a garbage dump, and you can’t even touch them to calm down.

You’ll still have time to dispose of things. That’s not the real reason of the pain in your soul.

By blocking him, you’re cultivating a secret fantasy that you sometimes don’t even admit to yourself. As if the reason he hasn’t come back to you yet is because he can’t call or text you because you blocked him.

Of course, it’s hard to admit to yourself that the phone’s silent because he doesn’t want to text you. He simply doesn’t want to. He’s not even angry at you, not offended, he just doesn’t want to. He’s not interested in you. And he even is not standing poor thing, in the rain, wet, cold, and desperate for you to unlock him on your phone again. Wake up.

You can lose weight, gain weight, change jobs, or work until you lose interest, you can change your clothing style as much as you like, correct your face, experiment with your hair… in essence, it’s no different from alcoholism after a breakup. All of this is running away from your pain through distraction. If the pain is there, then no matter how hard you run from it, it will still make itself known. If not now, then in a year, or ten.

Often the serpent tempter comes and leads you by the hand into another relationship. It doesn’t matter whether you like this person or not, but you need at least something. The serpent tempter says this is necessary for:

a) To save face and preserve pride;

b) To get revenge on the ex, let him see what he’s lost;

c) And something else…

But the serpent-tempter is dull and doesn’t understand that all this is nothing more than an attempt to escape the terrifying loneliness and uselessness.

Sometimes these feelings are incredibly painful, and the sufferer resorts to extreme measures — hinting or openly threatening suicide if the loved one doesn’t love them back.

However, it’s important to understand that the threat of suicide does not confirm deep love. And the one being threatened will do not fall in love anew.

So what should we do then?

If you really want to return this relationship. You love him and can’t live without him, then go and rebuild it!

Forget asking other people about effective ways to restore a relationship. There aren’t any. Nor are there any mysterious ones you haven’t even guessed about. You know everything. Trust your heart and your mind.

If you go to him, and he sends you away…

If you go to him, and he ignores you…

If you go to him, and he go away from you…

Stop. Rest, and then go back to him again.

If he’s ignoring you persistently, grab a sleeping bag, go into his entrance of the house and sleep near his door. There’s a risk, though. The neighbors might not understand, and he might call the police. Stop. Weigh the pros and cons. If love will win, and if you are little crazy, don’t forget to pack some warm socks, it can get cold at night.

Love and the desire to restore the relationship live in your heart. This is worth stepping on rakes and breaking your head for.

Important!

While you’re trying to restore the relationship, be very attentive to your lover’s behavior and the reactions of your soul.

Stop after while.

Do you still think you know this person? (Based on their recent behavior).

Is what’s in your heart truly love?

Before did you fall in love with this person or with someone else “who was in his body”?

Do you still believe that deep down they love you?

Do you still not imagine another person who will love you?

If the answers to these questions haven’t brought you the slightest peace, then get up and keep stepping on the same rakes again. Perhaps you need more time. It’s okay. Also perhaps you’re quite stubborn. Keep going.

If after a while you suddenly find yourself feeling calmer, no longer wanting to fidget, trying to prove to him that you deserve him love, and today you genuinely no longer want to go on duty into the entrance of his house again, then congratulations, you’re on the mend.

Understand that everyone who breaks up experiences pain and illusions to varying degrees, which can go something like this:

Idealizing your ex or intensely hating them. These are essentially the same thing, just with opposite emotional assessment. Но когда вы сможете просто вспоминать о ваших отношениях, не будучи поглощенными эмоциональной бурей, вы приблизитесь к выздоровлению.

People think that if they were dumped, then they’re bad, uninteresting, empty, worthless, fat, thin, big-nosed, boring… That’s not true. You’re a good person. And improve yourself simply for the sake of improving, not to be more valuable on the romantic market.

People think they’ll never find anyone else. Chances are, you’ll find someone you enjoy. But even if that doesn’t happen, it’s actually worth taking care of yourself. It’s wrong to feel somehow inferior if you’re single.*

Accept the fact that you’ll be on your own for a while. Yes, and your heart will be without love for some time. For a while, you’ll miss the image and touch of your loved one. That’s true.

Sometimes it will little hurt, sometimes it will hurt. But you’ve lived through a lot in life, so you know how to survive. Do as you feel. Who knows what lies ahead… But right now you exactly absolutely need to take care of yourself.

Why don’t close romantic relationships work out?

One of the reasons: emotional wounds received in childhood through interactions with parents.

The logic is as follows:

A child is born.

He has parents (or not necessarily parents, but any adults who are very close to him and raise him).

He doesn’t perceive them as ordinary mortals, with their joys and sorrows.

He perceives them as if they are the very world into which he was born.

For him, they are something like the embodiment of God.

And in his relationship with these “higher beings,” the child experiences for the first time in his life practically the entire spectrum of human emotions, feelings, and desires associated with them:

Interest, joy, anger, pleasure, fear, sympathy, shame, bliss, disgust, contempt, confidence, suffering, surprise, humiliation, affection, resentment, dependence, tenderness, rejection…

And since parents aren’t “higher beings,” they raise their children with certain biases or emphases. These, in turn, stem from the parents’ own emotional traumas, which they themselves got from their own parents (and this chain could probably be extended back to cavemen).

For example, in one family, they loved to keep their child in fear. Well, they liked his frightened eyes and vulnerability. Thus, the child concludes that the world is more frightening than interesting.

In another family, the parents never had enough time for closeness with their child. Caring for him was done perfunctorily. To give gadget in his hands. And feed him so he doesn’t die of hunger. That is all. In this way, a child may develop a conviction, for example, that there is no person in the world who would understand his soul and who would sincerely want to get closer to him.

The third family was held together by their favorite pastime — shaming and criticizing each other. Of course, this extended to the child, too. No matter what they did, no matter how they behaved, the parents always found a way to make their cheeks blush and make them want to sink into the ground with shame. Plus, his Self-belief and belief in one’s own adequacy crumbled.

In the fourth family, the parents suffer. They dislike or hate each other. They constantly squabble. They often involve the child, each trying to drag them over to their “right” side. But they stick together, supposedly “for the sake of the child.” Meanwhile, the child develops the belief that any close relationship between a woman and a man = suffering.

The fifth family has a neurotic parent who can change their mood at the speed of light: one minute they praised the child, three minutes later they yelled at him, two minutes later they went to the bathroom to cry, five minutes later they came out and convinced the child to forgive them for their outburst, a minute later they forgot about the incident.

And if the child continues to recover from the emotional overload “longer than he should,” the parental hysteria can repeat itself. Then the child understands that nothing in the world is stable. At any moment he can expect something incomprehensible and overly emotional, an explosion from which there is nowhere to hide. And later, he himself may become just as unbalanced actor and get involved in playing games with his parents. But that’s already a very sad scenario.

Thus, all the emotional dramas were created by the parents because their own souls were sick, but they did not treat them for various reasons.

As a result, all of this emotional pain became part of the child’s worldview.

And wherever you go, whoever you meet, you’ll find someone who can pick open at the emotional wounds you received in childhood.

So it turns out that if one person slightly raises their voice at another, the other immediately has flashbacks to childhood abuse. And even if you try to convince him it’s just a raised voice, a person who grew up in fear won’t believe it (or understand it) deep down.

Or…

If one comes home from work tired and doesn’t want to talk, just wants to sleep, the other immediately feels like trouble has come to their home — they’ve fallen out of love and are planning to leave the family, they’ve rejected me again, I’m worthless.

Or

One made some minor mistake, and they’ve already built up a whole drama in their head about how their spouse will find out about it and how they’ll shame them for it. And the spouse is completely baffled as to why they’re taking such a trivial matter so personally.

And so on.

In other words, the “ghosts” of emotional trauma experienced in parent-child relationships carry over into adult romantic relationships. They evoke a host of negative feelings, and most importantly, the feeling that this will continue for the rest of their lives. And to rid themselves of this doomed feeling, people often decide to end the relationship.

They break off their relationship and, hoping for another wonderful person in the world who will heal their soul with pure love, continue their search. Clearly, their enthusiasm doesn’t last long.

Clearly, psychotherapy offers another option: exploring one’s past. When a person can understand for themselves that the world is inherently neutral, and that most of their negative reactions, attitudes, misconceptions, and fears can be eliminated through careful self-care and exploration of their history.

Then they can enter into romantic relationships without bringing the baggage of childhood trauma into them, because they have been healed. And then they will no longer see their parents in their beloved, but the person standing before them.

FAIRY TALES VITAL FOX

The fox and the crisis