Бесплатный фрагмент - BDSM inside Russia

A short introduction

The topic of BDSM was quite interesting to many in Russia even before “50 Shades of Grey,” but the hype around it really rose after this trilogy. If we take the period from 2010 to 2020, then the top three best-selling books in the world are the 50 SoG trilogy. This success is most likely due not only to the fact that 50 SoG is another retelling of the story of Cinderella, a classic plot that has survived many incarnations, but also to the ever-increasing interest in BDSM. These books and films showed violence in the bedroom in a beautiful and modern way (as did “Nine 1/2 Weeks” and “Secretary” in their time). Therefore, they gave the opportunity to those who were interested in BDSM to discuss this topic without turning into perverts in the eyes of others. Now people who practice BDSM are not dangerous outcasts, but interesting people with a “spice”, even a little mysterious.

Of course, BDSM, like any area of human activity, is very much surrounded by myths. The way it is perceived by people from the outside, people who have started practicing, and people who have been practicing for a long time is very different. In addition, there are many topics inside the BDSM society on which there is no generally agreed upon opinion. This is true not only for BDSM in Russia, but in other countries as well. Even experienced practitioners cannot always come to a common point of view. All this is invisible from the outside, but immediately catches your eye when immersed in the ruBDSM.

BDSM, like any subculture, has its own terms that are not always clear to others. And therefore it is impossible to talk about BDSM without using them. When using such narrow terms, their explanation will immediately follow.

And it’s worth starting with the fact that within the Russian community they don’t often call BDSM “BDSM”. This word is hard to say quickly, and what should we call those who practice it? “BDSMer”?

Those who practice BDSM rarely call these four letters; it is more customary to speak in a special tone and with a capital letter — Theme… Accordingly, those who practice BDSM are not bdsmers, but “thematic”. And accidentally stumbling upon like-minded people in everyday life, subjects ask: “Are you in the Theme?” If a person guessed from his intonation that the word “Theme” was pronounced with a capital letter, he belongs. If not, then you made a mistake. But since the word “thematic” is difficult to translate, I will continue to use the word “bdsmer”.

Returning to books “50 SoG”, it must be said that among bdsmer, and not only among them, taking a book or film seriously is considered bad manners. Not only because the works of 50 SoG show BDSM relationships rather incorrectly. Rather, because they provoked quite a lot of attention to BDSM in Russia. This has led to a huge number of people without any BDSM experience with inherently misconceptions about BDSM. These people have taken over BDSM chat rooms, groups and sites, often greatly annoying those who have been there to begin with. This has generated and continues to generate both many conflicts and changes in the BDSM community.

In order to start talking about modern BDSM in Russia, it would be right to tell you a little about what it is, where it came from and what it consists of.

But finally, one more note. If during the reading process you have any objections, additions, want to argue or share your observations, write to me wincubus@yandex.ruor add on social networks:

Vk — vk.com/whiteincub

Part 1.
General information
about the BDSM

History of BDSM

Violence in sexual life has, of course, existed since ancient times. It’s not for nothing that some time ago there was even a joke about how easy it was for cavemen — they hit you on the head with a club, dragged you into your cave — that’s all courtship. But just violence in bed is not BDSM and this is the most important point that needs to be understood right away.

When discussing BDSM, problems periodically arise due to the fact that some terms are used both in medicine and in the subculture. And although they sound and are written the same, their meaning is different. It should also be added that ordinary people also know some terms (for example, “sadist”) and use them in their own way. In addition to the subculture, we will have to touch on the medical part, so I will take the liberty of saying that BDSM has two sources — medical and subcultural.

Medical and first is written by Richard Fridolin Joseph Baron Krafft von Festenberg auf Fronberg’s work entitled “Sexual Psychopathy”, which was published in 1886. It was in this monograph that the author first introduced the terms “sadism” and “masochism.” The first of them comes from the name of the Marquis de Sade, a person with a very interesting fate. It was he who, with his shouts, contributed to the capture of the Bastille, since at the time of the assault only the marquis and several criminals were in prison. De Sade was widely known for his very strange habits in bed (his favorite pastime was to sodomize a girl while he himself was flogged), although in his defense it must be said that the times were very harsh. So harsh that de Sade was kicked out of the revolutionary court and almost shot for being too soft.

The term “masochism” comes from the name of Leopold Sacher-Masoch, a famous writer whose works describe the abuse of strong women against weak men.

The Baron’s book can easily be found on the Internet. It’s not easy to read, but if you want to amaze other bdsmers with your erudition, you won’t find anything better. As far as I know, no other sufficiently serious scientific works have been written on this topic. Currently, sadomasochism in Russian medicine is defined as a paraphilia (sexual deviation), which consists in achieving sexual satisfaction through mental or physical suffering caused to a partner or to oneself in the process of partner relationships.

And the beginning of BDSM as a subculture was only in the 20th century, and closer to the end of the century. As an abbreviation, it appeared in 90—91 of the 20th century, as a more or less defined direction — 20—30 years earlier. Since this was not some kind of project, but a spontaneous movement, and even one that arose in a very narrow and closed gay community, everything is complicated with exact dates.

Initially, the subculture was called sadomasochism. Quite quickly, various currents appeared in it and SM turned into BDDSSM. This abbreviation meant three directions — BD (bondage and discipline), DS (dominant and submissive) and SM (sadism and masochism). Very quickly, the repeating letters were removed and the complex “bededeesesem” turned into the modern sound and spelling — BDSM. Currently, BDSM in Russia is defined as a psychosexual subculture based on the erotic exchange of power and other forms of sexual relations involving role-playing games of dominance and submission.

Next, all three directions will be considered in more detail, but first we will devote a little time to one misconception.

SM and BDSM

Among Russian bdsmers, there has often been an opinion that since Von Krafft proposed the terms only sadism and masochism, and most of the terminology and main principles of BDSM were invented by sadists and masochists, then only sadists and masochists are real bdsmers, and all others are not real. This is further reinforced by the fact that most of the devices are used mainly in sadomasochism, and most of the practices also come from there. That’s why bdsmer must be either a sadist or a masochist, like the founders. And if there is no love for causing/receiving physical pain, then you are not bdsmer. This seems misleading for several reasons.

First, Von Krafft himself understood that people who practice violence to obtain sexual pleasure are not very homogeneous in their preferences. Therefore, he distinguished different types of sadism (symbolic, mental, sadism aimed at animals or objects) and different types of masochism (which he also includes fetishism). These types do not overlap with the modern understanding of the division of roles in ruBDSM. But in any case, it is important that he at least divided violence into physical and moral.

Secondly, the founders of BDSM were not only sadists and masochists. At first, the subculture had the name SM (sadomasochism), but since not everyone received pleasure from spanking and other SM practices, but received it from, for example, humiliation, the expansion of SM to BDSM happened very quickly.

And thirdly, the founders of BDSM were not only sadists/masochists, but also men with non-traditional sexual orientation. So, continuing the absurdity, we can say that only gays have the right to call themselves bdsmers, and everyone else is at best sympathizers. And in the ruBDSM community there are a lot of not only heterosexuals, bi and other sexual orientations, but also women.

At this point, we can consider this issue closed and move on.

Division into BD, Ds and SM

Any article for beginners that in any way touches on the history of BDSM as a subculture always says that this abbreviation consists of three parts — BD, Ds, SM. Let’s start from the end and look at them all.

SM — sadomasochism, the most famous of all trends in BDSM. It is so well known that any person knows and even uses the words “sadist” and “masochist” in everyday life. SM is believed to unite those people who derive pleasure from inflicting or receiving physical pain. This, it must be said, is the key difference between the medical understanding of SM and the subcultural one. For a psychiatrist, all subjects are either sadists or masochists — the only difference is that they like to cause suffering or receive it. And what kind of suffering is this: mental, physical, is the second question. In ruBDSM, sadomasochists are those who enjoy either causing or receiving physical pain.

We must immediately understand that, of course, not from any pain and not from any person or situation. If a masochist accidentally cuts his finger with a knife or stumbles and falls, he is unlikely to instantly experience an orgasm or even get aroused. Everything very much depends on the situation, as well as on who is causing the pain. Impersonal pain (caused by an object without a person or caused independently) is often pain without pleasure. It occurs when pain is caused by another person. Moreover, the person is “right”, that is, he knows how to inflict this pain.

There is a so-called “psy-sadism” in Russian BDSM. This is almost the same as “mindfucking”, but with minor differences. Nobody knows good psy-sadists in Russia, and no one knows bad ones either. Often they are used to describe those people with whom communication causes pain and suffering, that is, tactless scoundrels with a lack of boundaries and abusers. Since sadism is not any violence, but taking into account certain rules (about them a little later), then psy-sadism is not any violence against the psyche. Therefore, it is objectively difficult to consider psy-sadism as some kind of serious trend at this stage.

The Japanese practice of “Haji”, supposedly the basis of psi-sadism, is borrowed from the military. It consists in the fact that bottom is insulted, scolded and humiliated for quite a long time — only with words, without even touching a finger. This practice is rare, complex and has not taken root in Russia at all. Probably, it can be attributed to psi-sadism, although, rather, it is a practice from D s.

Ds — Dominant and submissive. The most legendary destination, around which many myths and speculations are mixed. In fact, it unites people who, on the one hand, want to subjugate and humiliate, and on the other, want to be subjugated and humiliated.

Also, Ds in Russia is very often considered a special direction, because the others (SM and BD) are only possible in a session format, and Ds is a relationship. That is, in other directions, partners take on Top and bottom roles only for the duration of the session, and the rest of the time they communicate as equals or even with reverse subordination. And Ds is a direction where the Top and Bottom remain in their roles in everyday life, and not just in sessions. This is one of the controversial points in RuTheme, since there are other points of view on Ds, but the one described above is accepted by the majority.

There is a myth among ordinary people in Russia that only those who have not achieved anything in ordinary life necessarily become Dominants. That is, losers in life who try to at least command somewhere. This point of view has a right to exist, but only within the framework of domestic violence and family relationships. In BDSM, a good dominant cannot be a failure in social life, because, unlike a wife, a BDSM partner usually has a choice, and a lot of choice. And a loser is a person without experience of power and one does not want to obey such a person. And if you don’t want to, then if there is an alternative, they won’t. Although such characters certainly exist, the common name in Russian BDSM for them is “Aspadin” and they will be met a little later in this book. Aspadin — it sounds very similar to “Gospodin” (in Russian it is the same as Mister, so often in ruBDSM called Dominants). It sounds similar, but it’s not the same at all. So is Aspadin — very similar to Gospodin, but generally something else.

BD — bondage and discipline. This is the most incomprehensible direction in Russia, and for two reasons at once. Firstly, its content is not very clear, and secondly, only BD in Russia does not have separate names for Top and bottom partners.

Bondage in this direction cannot be directly understood as tying up. In this case, this is immobilization in a broad sense. Of course, binding takes place. Many people know the word “shibari”, referring it to BDSM. But shibari is not bondage, it is the art of aesthetic bondage. Moreover, it does not imply immobilization at all. That is, in BDSM, bondage is a means, but in shibari it is a goal in itself. In shibari, after tying, there is untying; there are no further actions, such as humiliation or spanking. Shibari itself is a very specific and, of course, beautiful direction, Master classes and trainings on it have long been common in Russia. But let’s return to BD.

Immobilization is widely used in both SM and Ds, why or why it was singled out separately is not very clear. Discipline is orders and punishments, an integral part of Ds, what is different here is also unclear. There is a widespread belief that Ds are relationships (subordination not only within the framework of meetings-sessions, but also at other times), and BD are just one-time meetings. Their content is the same as in Ds, that is, the transfer of power.

It is also believed that BD includes role-playing games with dressing up as animals and turning into furniture — into a “table” when eating from the bottom, a “floor lamp” that holds the lamp on, an “armchair” or footstool, etc. It may well be.

In any case, in the Russian BDSM scene there are few of them and mostly BD guys are engaged in bondage, while the rest of the majority have enough of sadomasochism and domination.

Positivist and negativist in SM

There is a not very popular, but quite interesting division of sadists into positive (positivists) and negative (negativists). To better understand the difference between them, let’s imagine a situation — there is some kind of bottom and two different sadists are planning to flog her, one positive, the other negative. Of course, at different times and in different places. Let’s even imagine that it’s not just a bottom, but a masochist, her name is, for example, Ekaterina, of average height, size 2 breasts, brown eyes and a bob hairstyle.

And after warming up with floggers both sadists switch to harder devices — a snake, a cat or a dog, and the temperature of the scene begins to heat up. But Catherine, as it turned out, does not like or does not want to restrain her emotions and therefore does not remain silent like a partisan, but first begins to moan, and then scream, moan, cry and even shout “No, no, no, stop!”

And here our nameless sadists will behave differently. The positive one will stop the session, ask how Katya is feeling, pour her some tea, cover her with a blanket and hug her. Because not everyone is ready to name a safe word, and it can even fly out of your head. Therefore, as Top, he relies on his understanding of when to stop. And the negative one, without hearing the safe word, will not only not stop, but will get his own special thrill from these screams, crying and even blood. Since there was no safe word, and screaming and crying for the bottom can be a means of release and an important part of the scene. And like the Top, he knows when to stop.

It is clear that since the phenomenon already exists and is named, there are different opinions about both sadists. On the one hand, a positivist is an adequate person, and a negativist — a dark pervert. On the other hand, the negativist — a normal sadist, and a positivist — not the most experienced kinkster. After the positivist interrupts the scene at the most interesting moment, when Katya almost flew into subspace, she can bite such a kind sadist for the missed thrill. Or he might say, “You’re so understanding, thank you for stopping.” With someone else, Katya may cross herself at the end of the scene and will never come back to the sadist who ignores her screams and crying. Or maybe he’ll say, “You’re so understanding, thank you for not stopping.”

Tops, bottoms and switches

In Russia, participants of BDSM-community are called Verkhniye, nizhnye and switchi (meaning Tops, bottoms and switches). Only Verkhniye are written with a capital letter (as a tribute), nizhnie and switch are written with a small letter.

Top — this is the general name of the partners who lead the scene and exert influence on bottom partner. These are those to whom bottoms transfer power over themselves. In Western BDSM this is what is most often called a Dominant or Domme. Bottom, accordingly, acts in a passive role and accepts this influence. Switches are bdsmers who can be both in the role of Top and Bottom.

Switch is the most problematic position. In the role of bottom partner, he may not be suitable for all Tops, if he turns out to be internally stronger or more experienced. And in the role of the Top, not everyone is ready to see a partner who allows himself to be spanked or humiliated. Therefore, switches often hide their orientation when communicating with those whom they want to see as their bottom partner. They usually don’t hide things with Tops. At the same time, it is much more difficult for male switches. And for girls, this position only adds piquancy.

It may be mentioned that switchism It can be joint or separate. Joint — this is the case with two switches that change roles during the scene. Or at the beginning of the scene they determine who will be Top and who will be Bottom. Separate switchism is a situation in which a switch is with one bdsm plays only the role of Top, and with the other — only the role of bottom. That is, it does not change the role in relation to one partner.

A very interesting nuance is that almost every group (BD, Ds and SM) has its own names Top and bottom. In SM this is, respectively, a sadist and a masochist, in Ds — a Dominant and a submissive, but with BD it is difficult, because the names used in Russia are Top and Bottom simply a translation into English of the Russian words “Verkhny” and “Nizhny”. In general, as previously written, in the database it is not only the content that is unclear, but also the participants.

An equally interesting detail regarding the names is that there are two names for Top girls in Ds — Mistress and Dominatrix. Both of them are translated into Russian as Gospozha. What the key difference is is not precisely defined anywhere. There is a hypothesis that the difference is that the Dominatrix takes money for scenes, and Mistress — no. Also abroad, Top girls can call themselves Goddess, but in Russia this has not taken root.

BDSM and kinks

To be a bdsmer, as bdsmers in Russia themselves think, is very cool and pretentious, so they carefully separate themselves from all their kind. In general, pathos, that is, an elevated attitude towards the process of the scene and, in general, towards thematic relationships, is very characteristic of rBDSM. Almost all fiction books, descriptions of scenes and simply stories about such meetings and relationships are imbued with pathos. Of course, thematic relationships are rarer, stronger, and almost always more emotional. But pretentious talk about some practices, and even between Tops Partners, is already too much.

In any case, any subculture strives to distinguish itself by dividing society into insiders and outsiders. It is especially important to separate yourself from those who are similar to yours, but are not yours. For bdsmers these are kinksters, an English word derived from kinky.

Kinky is a broader concept than BDSM. It includes all non-normative sexual behavior. That is, it is to some extent a household synonym for the word “paraphilia”. Paraphilia is a medical term that has replaced the concept of “sexual perversion.” You must immediately understand that there are more than five hundred paraphilias. These include bestiality, pedophilia, coprophilia and many, many other -philias. Since SM is only one of them, kinksters are sexually freer people and experiment not only with violence, but also with many other things that are also considered perversions, but are not considered violence. The key difference between a bdsmer and kinkster is that a kinkster is not addicted to violence in sex; more precisely, it is not only this that excites him. And if there is no such dependence, then there is no Hunger. If there is no Hunger — what kind of bdsmer are you? Among bdsmers (that is, real bdsmers, proven, with extensive experience) to kinksters It is customary to treat people a little condescendingly, as if they are not very serious people. Because these are not real subjects, but simply experimenters in sex.

People in Russia, not particularly strong in terminology, instead of kinksters use other words, for example, “gamers”, “igruns” or similar derivatives of the word “game”. This emphasizes the above-described key difference between them and bdsmers, because they play, but in ruBDSM everything is serious. Gamers, on the other hand, are people who treat violence in sex without the proper pathos; they can easily refuse it and still not die of Hunger. And they also easily have regular vanilla sex.

Hunger

Hunger is a state of strong dissatisfaction in the absence or lack of BDSM influences. It is more characteristic of bottoms than Tops. And only those who have experience of such influences have it.

Different people experience it differently. Some become aggressive, some become depressed, some simply feel unwell. Someone begins to provoke violence in their direction, creating problems out of nowhere, or asking for quarrels and scandals. This doesn’t help much, but bdsmer during Hunger is not always able to control himself. In any case, a person understands exactly what he is missing and, having experienced such a state at least once, identifies it instantly.

Hunger is exclusively a BDSM phenomenon. Due to inexperience, some confuse it with a lack of sex, but Hunger can perfectly coexist with sufficient vanilla sexual activity.

It’s no secret that many bdsmers have a double life. Someone is lucky, and a regular sexual partner is also a BDSM partner. But this is more a rarity than a rule, and long-term BDSM relationships, and especially marriage, are even more rare. Most bdsmers has a stable so-called vanilla partner, and “temachat” (in the English version “play”) go on the side. Sessions (in English — “scene”) are usually needed much less frequently than regular sex, on average once every two to four weeks. An excess of BDSM is much more dangerous than a lack, and it manifests itself more strongly.

Hunger is a serious problem, so try BDSM carefully. Especially if you position yourself as a bottom.

Vanilla sex, rough sex and BDSM

With vanilla sex, everything is simple. Vanilla sex is sex in the missionary position, even without anal and oral sex. For ordinary people in Russia, a direct analogue of this term is called “sex in the missionary position.” And by vanilla sex in Russian BDSM we mean sex without violence, but fully including oral and anal.

A recurring issue that comes up for discussion in the BDSM community is the boundaries between vanilla sex, hardcore sex, and BDSM. They are, of course, quite vague, otherwise there would be no subject for discussion. For example, if a husband hits his wife on the buttocks once during sex, is that still vanilla or already BDSM? Or is it hard sex? What if he was handcuffed? What if he strangled him? What if he called you a whore?

So far, the most adequate solution seems to be the separation of these approaches in porn (unexpected, right?). If the sex is ordinary, without any violence, then it is vanilla (for it to be completely vanilla, it must be slow, gentle and accompanied by music). You can blindfold it, it will still be vanilla.

If there are some elements of violence, but without special devices, then this is already rough or brutal sex. It includes choking, spitting, slapping, verbal abuse and other cute stuff.

But BDSM differs, firstly, in the presence of devices (tools used to flog, chain, tie up, shock, etc.), and secondly, the optionality of sex itself. That is, they can torture the bottom one for an hour, without even trying to take advantage of her in any sexual way.

There are other, less clear ideas about the division of these concepts. In particular, BDSM involves following certain principles (SSC and RACK), while hardcore sex does not. But with this interpretation, hard sex becomes rape, which is also not entirely true. In the Russian media environment, hard sex and BDSM have recently often been used as synonyms and appeared in texts as equivalent concepts. But now, even in popular publications, the situation has changed and such mistakes are made less and less often.

Deviation

Among Russian bdsmers, it is fashionable and common to call each other and themselves deviants. As with many specific terms, it often turns out that the person using it does not always know its meaning.

Deviation, unlike fluctuation, which also means a deviation, this deviation is not random, but stable. If we give an example on a compass needle, then a fluctuation can be called a second oscillation of the needle (the compass was tilted, someone passed near a magnet), and a deviation is if for quite a long time the needle points away from the north (nearby ore deposits, a powerful magnet or something else).

Deviation as a term, although rarely, is used in different sciences and contexts — magnetic/electromagnetic deviation, mathematical. This term is used, although rarely, in shipping, sociology and, of course, sexology. Rarely — because it is more common and clearer to use the word deviation instead.

Deviation without an adjective in front of it (aka social deviation) is a term from sociology. Deviant behavior (also social deviation, deviant behavior) (lat. deviatio — deviation) is a stable behavior of an individual that deviates from generally accepted, most widespread and established social norms. Accordingly, a deviant is a carrier of such behavior. The deviant cannot, does not know how, or does not want to solve his problems in a socially acceptable way, so society rejects him in one way or another.

Who are deviants really? Homeless people, drug addicts, repeat criminals, alcoholics and other representatives of the fringes of society. It is often said that deviation can be in a positive direction, but for such people they find words that are more positively colored. There are famous people who are obvious deviants, but who managed to present their lack of adaptation in a successful way and are therefore socially successful. No one dares to call them deviants. Deviation is a word with a persistently negative connotation.

Finishing with sociology, it must be said that deviation is something that can be corrected. If a person cannot be taught socially acceptable behavior or he strongly resists it, then he is called a sociopath and they work with him differently.

Well, moving on to the most interesting part. Sadomasochism refers to sexual, not social deviations. But since deviation as a term is still firmly occupied by sociology, such deviations in sexology are called paraphilias, and people with such deviations are called paraphiles.

Paraphilia (ancient Greek πα ρά — “beyond” φιλί α “love”); synonyms sexy deviation (from Latin dēviātiō — deviation), hyperpathia (from other Greek ὑ πέρ “above”, “over” + π άθος “passion”), parerosia, sexual paresthesia, perversion (Latin perversiō; from perversus “inverted”, “perverted”), colloquial. perversion — all types of (atypical) intense and persistent sexual interest, with the exception of sexual interest in genital stimulation and preparatory caresses with a phenotypically normal, consenting and sexually mature human subject.

Translated into colloquial terms, paraphilia is a behavior in which a person is aroused by something other than another normal sex-consenting person. I don’t really want to touch on the term puberty, because by definition it occurs in girls with their first menstruation (for boys it’s not so obvious), that is, from the age of 12, which is much earlier than the legal age of consent in Russia. And since people are turned on by many things other than the naked body, there are also a great many paraphilias :

• fetishism;

• exhibitionism;

• pedophilia;

• voyeurism;

• necrophilia;

• bestiality;

• sadomasochism (of course);

• much more, also in combination with each other.

Sexual deviation and paraphilia are a variant of deviation in which a person is still adapted to society and his preferences do not cause difficulties.

“But for cases where sexual preferences cause problems for their owner or others, a new term has appeared — paraphilic disorders. Today, such disorders are diagnosed, as a rule, within the framework of criminology during the investigation of crimes related to sex. In short, as long as you masturbate at home in front of your laptop, modern medicine is completely uninteresting in you. But if you do it in a public place, such as New York’s Central Park, then you are committing a crime, and if you do it in a public place because it seems to you the most effective way to get sexual gratification, then within the framework of the judicial system the state the prosecutor will most likely refer to the DSM-5, mentioning exhibitionistic disorder.

Today, the American Psychiatric Association identifies only two possible criteria for paraphilic disorder (if greatly simplified, of course).

The first is the frustration or suffering of the owner of unusual sexual preferences, not from thoughts of what society will think of him, but from the practice itself. The second is sexual desire (and its implementation), which involves causing inconvenience or serious harm to other people; sexual desire or behavior towards people who have not given their consent to sex or are unable to give such consent, such as children or people with mental disorders.

In total, there are eight points in the section with paraphilic disorders: voyeurism (that is, voyeurism), the already mentioned exhibitionistic disorder, frotteurism (rubbing the genitals against a part of a stranger’s body, for example, on the subway at rush hour), sexual masochism, sexual sadism, pedophilia, fetishism, transvestic disorder. It is interesting to note that, according to the previous version of the DSM, the latter could only occur in heterosexual men. Only recently have scientists agreed that women and men of any orientation can experience stress (and arousal) from dressing as people of the opposite sex.

In the most modern, tenth version of the International Classification of Diseases, another defining document for physicians, the list of disorders is almost identical, except that it is somewhat broader: it also includes necrophilia, bestiality, telephone hooliganism for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification and autoasphyxiophilia — “strangling yourself in different ways during masturbation to get more pleasure (by the way, this is very dangerous). The compilers of ICD-10 wisely added ‘and more’ at the end, apparently realizing how inexhaustible and diverse human fantasy is.” (from the book by Varlamov, Foer — Sex. From the neurobiology of libido to virtual porn)

And now two very important notes. First: deviation is not only deviant behavior, but also constant and intense. Roughly speaking, if someone has a vanilla partner and has no problems with regular sex, although from time to time he likes to spank someone or play rape, then he is not a deviant. A person can call himself a deviant, for example, when his penis does not get hard until he spanks or strangles his partner. Or he gets up, but it’s easier/more interesting/attractive to masturbate to an interesting (from the point of view of deviation) porn video than to have regular sex.

And secondly, if someone as a deviant is a sadomasochist, this does not mean at all that he is bdsmer. This means that during sex, in order for it to turn on, someone in the couple must suffer, moral or physical. And to call yourself a bdsmer, you need to follow the principles of BDSM. And now psychiatrists have aggravated the problem, since in order for someone to be considered a true sadist (that is, a paraphile), two conditions must be met:

• the pain caused must be real;

• a sadist takes pleasure in seeing a person suffer who did not agree to it voluntarily.

Since the second condition directly contradicts the SSC principle, then all bdsmers do not automatically qualify as a paraphile. A quote from Jesse Bering`s book “I, you, him, her and other perverts” would be very appropriate here: “Most of the so-called sadists in the SM community are not really such sadists, and the “masochists” are not particularly deeply immersed in their role. John Money, who wrote about the typical amateur bondage and discipline, where great attention is paid to the safety of both parties, called him the “velvet dragon.” This observation can be applied to ruBDSM in full.

Be that as it may, deviant is not a proud word at all and does not carry anything good with it. This is a person who is less free compared to everyone else and, from a medical point of view, has problems with his mind. In the case of paraphilias, he may still be socially adapted, but he certainly has difficulties in his life — if not social, then at least sexual.

BDSM principles

The main principle in Russian BDSM is SSC. It is the observance of this principle that distinguishes ordinary rapists from bdsmers.

SSC stands for Safe, Sane & Consensual. This principle means that the practices used in the action must, firstly, be safe for health (even if it is spanking until blood flows, punctures or cuts). Secondly, the principle of voluntariness implies that both parties agree to these practices. Again, even quite violent actions must first be agreed upon with the person to whom this violence is applied. And rationality — both must understand what they are doing so as not to go beyond the boundaries and not do something that they will later regret.

This principle came to Russia, of course, from the West.

Later, another principle was introduced, which is still less widespread, and in Russia almost not at all — RACK — “Risk- aware consensual kink.” It involves the use of more dangerous practices (including, for example, branding), if both have agreed on this.

Many people do not really understand the difference between these two principles. The difference is that when using SSC, the responsibility lies on Top. In the event that the bottom offers some kind of risky technique, then the Top one, if he is not confident in himself, must refuse her. Despite the fact that the initiative comes from the bottom one, the Top one will be responsible for possible difficulties. In the case of RACK, if both understand the possible negative consequences, and are ready to try despite this, then the Top has the right to experiment, which may end unsuccessfully.

As an example. The bottom wants to try knife cuts. If the parties initially agreed on the principle of BDR, then Top, who does not know how to wield a knife, must refuse her. In the heat of a session, bottoms are sometimes ready to do things that they would normally refuse, so the Top must keep a cool head and be responsible for both. And if we agreed on the RACK principle, then the bottom one takes on part of the responsibility and the decision whether to try cuts or not is made together. Together, not as a bottom partner. Because the Top cannot, under any circumstances, give the initiative and responsibility to the bottom partner. Such role changes, of course, happen during scenes, especially in the case of an experienced bottom and an inexperienced Top, but this rarely ends in anything good. If the bottom seizes the initiative and begins to indicate how to flog or humiliate her, then the Top turns into what the bottoms humiliatingly call a “living device.” And the Top, who has lost the respect of the bottom, cannot be the Top in this pair. Such a couple will fall apart very quickly, or (this also happens), they can permanently change roles — and the Top partner will become the bottom, and the bottom will become the Top.

In recent years, new principles have emerged. They are known to very few people in Russia, even among fairly experienced specialists in the field.

One from them called PRICK “Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink.” PRICK is an evolution of RACK and its more modern replacement.

The second one is called CCC — “Committed Compassionate Consensual”. This principle is not new at all; it was discussed five years ago. But it doesn’t seem to have gained much ground.

And the last one — CCCC or 4C — “Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution”. If I understand correctly, it appeared only in 2020, there were small discussions about it, but it did not become very popular. There is no even newer principle at the moment (beginning of 2021).

There is an opinion that I find difficult to disagree with, that these are all different words about the same thing. The principles somehow run through the recurring ideas of consent, awareness, and caution.

It should also be taken into account that in Russia there are Tops who take advantage of the altered states of consciousness of the bottoms during the scene and thus give them new experience, pushing or forcing them to practices that the bottom partner was not ready for before the scene (or was even against). After all, the bottom one will not necessarily regret what he did later; he may well be grateful, because otherwise he would not have been able to gain such an experience. In the spirit of BDSM, such actions are unacceptable. But since there is no special BDSM police, there is no punishment and such violations of principles happen again and again.

Safe word

A stop-word (in English — safeword) is a method invented to get rid of the problems of excessive violence during a BDSM scene. It in itself is part of the principle of MDD and, along with it, is the main difference between a domestic rapist and a criminal.

But everything is not so simple with him either.

The safeword should be one that will not come out on its own, involuntarily. This cannot include the words “stop”, “enough”, “stop”, “don’t”, since these words are used often during scenes and are an element of the game. Not always and not with everyone, but often. And it’s difficult to distinguish where “enough” is a kind of resistance, and where it’s a refusal to play, just by intonation. Although there are people who know their partner so much that they feel this difference right away, so they don’t create a special “safe word”.

A safe word is like a stop valve, it’s turned off and that’s it, the train stops and doesn’t go any further. Or it goes, but after a break. If you pull it all the time, then somewhere along the way a desire appears to end the scene, because the partner is not very adequate, and it is very dangerous to play with inadequate ones. On the other hand, if you come up with a word like “hedgehog” or “steamboat” that is very far from the topic, then at a crucial moment this word can easily fly out of your head, and only the words “stop” and “enough” will fly out of your mouth. guesses based on intonation are written a little higher. This leads to bad conflicts, because in any case the Top One will be to blame, even if formally it is not his fault.

But this is not the biggest difficulty, since in ruBDSM it has long been solved with the very common safewords “yellow” (when it’s still tolerable, but without any pleasure) and “red” (stop right now). It would seem that everything is ok, but then a surprise appears on the scene, which beginners are unlikely to be able to predict.

For some bottoms (actually many, especially experienced ones), saying a safeword is like losing. And they say it not when it needs to be said, but when the stick has not just been bent, but broken in several places. It rarely comes to this, of course, because the gap between these two points is very noticeable, but the border is crossed and the impression of the scene is greatly spoiled. It is difficult to understand this pride from the fact that a person suffers unnecessary pain, but does not admit it. Somewhere it is pride that I was able to withstand. And then one of the bottom ones is used in dishonest games in order to make the Top one guilty (which he didn’t notice) and manipulate them.

Bottoms in Russia who are proud that they have never used a safeword and do not plan to use it in the future. Some of the bottoms refuse a safeword at the very beginning of the scene, thus demonstrating complete trust in their Top. But from the point of view of safety and common sense, this is, of course, the wrong action.

To summarize, we can say that, oddly enough, the safe word can be heard more often from beginners than from experienced bottoms. This is an important point that cannot be neglected.

Etiquette

Another very complex topic in Russian BDSM is etiquette. If you wish, you can find on the Internet the code of a slave and the rules of conduct for Tops, but you can find a lot of things on the Internet. What do you think about this passage from the slave code:

7. The will of the Master is the Highest Law for me, above parents and friends, love and hate, Motherland and freedom, truth and honor, shrines and life itself.

8. My Master can give me for a time to any other person, and I will serve a temporary Master in the same way as a permanent one.

9. The master does not bear any responsibility for me and should not care about me in any way.

It is not surprising that when reading such rules and believing that someone follows them, ordinary people consider bdsmers to be perverts.

All these etiquette rules and codes are of two natures. Some of them are translated materials that were used in Western BDSM clubs. And they were written for a specific group of people with their own characteristics. Sometimes small closed communities of Top and bottom are formed in Russia, for which it is necessary to write similar rules in order to weed out unnecessary ones. Now there are analogues of such rules in almost all thematic forums and chats to regulate communication. Another thing is that the rules in different communities are different and adopting them thoughtlessly is simply dangerous.

The latter are the fruit of the erotic fantasies of newcomers to BDSM. New people are often immediately noticeable by the fact that they have irrepressible energy, both physical and creative. Once or twice, having conducted or attended a scene, the beginner gets the impression that now he understands everything and can explain to others how it should be. And people are very different, in general everyone is special in rBDSM, and everyone knows how to do it. If we remember the old joke that everyone considers themselves experts in drinking, sex and raising children, then in rBDSM everyone believes that they know better than others how it really is. This eventually led to the term UKST.

UKST stands for “U Kazhdogo Svoya Tema” (means “Everyone Has His Own Theme/BDSM”, and implies that the troubles, rules and speculations of one bdsmer in no way oblige others to share them. It is usually used in two cases. The first is that if in a dispute with another bdsmer you have not come to a common opinion on some issue, then UKST from your opponent means that they do not want to argue with you. If the UKST was in response to some statement of yours, which no one even argues with, then this is a polite replacement for the phrase “you are engaged in some kind of nonsense (including dangerous nonsense), the interest in which I do not understand and do not share.”

Returning to etiquette, it must be said that there are no very specific and generally accepted rules of behavior or even communication in Russia.

More or less similar to etiquette, there are only a couple of rules. Firstly, when talking to the Top One (even if you are not your own and even if you yourself are the Top One), address yourself as “you”, and to the bottom ones — whichever is more convenient, “you” or “you”. This almost always works in narrow communities, where there are no random people and the Tops are only the real Tops, and not those who want to be considered that way. If there is no such confidence, then the usual rules of communication often apply — with everyone on “you” until they agree otherwise.

The second rule is not to flirt (and sometimes even just not communicate) with “hoznaya” bottom. “Hoznaya” — a term meaning that this bottom one already has an Top one, that is, it is part of an established pair and is not looking for a replacement. If there is no permanent Top one, then the bottom is “nehoznaya”. There are no similar terms for Tops, indicating the presence or absence of bottom. At best, Top can use the phrases “in search” or “not in search.”

The hoznaya bottom must, in the very first phrases, announce the presence of the Top, after which the other Top must bow and leave, or at least stop conversations related to BDSM. That is, it is possible to communicate as ordinary people, but not as two bdsmers.

This is a good time-tested rule, but with the arrival of many different people in ruBDSM, it is followed less and less often. New, hungry, inexperienced Tops consider it quite normal to try to seduce other people’s Bottoms, but they are not always faithful, especially if comments have accumulated towards the Top.

Description of the modern
ruBDSM-community

Observing BDSM in Russia for several years provided the following information.

90 percent or more of participants in thematic groups and chats are not active Thematicians, and often people have no thematic experience at all. Positioning them (Top or Bottom) does not make sense, since they are not ready for the experience and are not particularly looking for it. This often applies to group administrators who have little or no experience. This leads to the fact that the content of most groups is thematic erotic and porn pictures, as well as texts of dubious content or reprints of old ones.

The majority of actively expressing themselves as “hoznyh” bottom girls are ladies of dubious beauty aged 30+ (and 30+++), whose “hoznost” is almost always in question, although they often and loudly talk about it. The character of many of these individuals is hysterical and evil, which happens from a lack of sex and Hunger. Moreover, there have been repeated confirmed cases when similar bottoms lied about the presence of the Top. There are also many good adequate bottoms, but they are usually silent, so they are almost invisible.

Beautiful young bottom girls are very often singles. Either they don’t have Top at all, or they change them, without stopping for a long time on any one. The main reason, in their opinion, is the low quality of most of the Top. Considering the number of messages they receive from various inadequate people positioning themselves as Sadists, and even more so Dominants, it is difficult to argue with this. The situation with the Top ones is in many ways similar to the situation described above with active “hoznyh” girls — this is also, for the most part, illiquid goods on the marriage market. There seems to be a large selection, but there is no one to choose from. And those who are interesting and good are in such demand that for the sake of a scene with such a Top, you will need to “stand in line.” But not everyone is ready to wait a long time or even just be one of them.

Mutual respect among the Top Ones in ruBDSM is a big question. The majority of Sadists, Tops and Dominants for the most part do not respect other Tops and do not always consider it necessary to hide it. Accordingly, such an attitude is transmitted to their bottoms, and they convey it in their communication in groups and chats.

Women-Tops very often behave in such a way that if they were men-Tops, they would very quickly receive the brand of Aspadin and general shame. Lack of any respect for their subordinates, confidence in their own superiority and almost always asking for payment for the scene is a common picture. Another thing is that a very frequent request from bottom men is smacking (exactly this word), that is, the extreme degree of humiliation, which is almost not in demand among Bottom girls.

Inexperienced subjects of both sexes and any positioning often confuse hard sex and BDSM. And by having hard sex, they believe that they are engaged in BDSM and are themed. And since there is no generally accepted clear boundary, this adds both difficulties in communication and random people who consider themselves subjects.

Another problem is that until now in the topic there are no clearly expressed local (certainly not in Russia) or world leaders whose opinions would be accepted unconditionally, therefore, in theoretical terms, chaos and UKST reign in almost everything.

Aspadins

Aspadin — a stable name for an inadequate male interlocutor who calls himself Top. Since there is no exam or certificate confirming this status, anyone can call themselves Top and nothing will happen to them.

This is what various mostly inadequate characters take advantage of, calling themselves Top in chats, groups and forums. For some reason, they almost always consider themselves Dominants, often demanding that they be addressed only as you and called “Mr.” Moreover, in the description on their page it is almost always indicated that this is not just a Gentleman, but definitely a strict one.

Since they don’t have any real experience, devices or any kind of adequacy, they are quickly identified, and then either kicked out or subjected to bullying. Due to their limited intelligence, they do not always understand this, so they often have fun at their expense in such a rather cruel way. Some time ago there were so many of them that anyone who called himself a Dominant immediately received the nickname “Aspadin” and it took a lot of effort to change his reputation.

Because Aspadin demand immediate obedience and the same immediate sex, from them came such an abbreviation as NKSS, which means “Na koleni suka sosat” (translate as»On Your Knees Bitch and Suck”). This, in their opinion, is the first thing the bottom should do during the scene, sometimes even before undressing or even taking off her shoes.

Aspadins almost always compensators. This is the name given to people who, at BDSM meetings, play a role opposite to the one they play in social life. That is, the big boss will be the bottom one at the actions, and, for example, the janitor will be the top one. In reality, compensators are quite rare among experienced specialists and, if they are found, they are usually in bottom roles.

Nice boys

After a total roundup in all BDSM groups on Aspadins in all BDSM groups nice boys “We know how to do the right thing” were expected to be born. These are the same heroes who write in their long posts that it was not you who conquered the bottom one, but she gave you power over herself. And the Top One should under no circumstances do this, that, and, of course, this. Because his role is to serve the bottom.

Both approaches, Aspadins and the nice boys are extremes, and the truth, as usual, is somewhere between them.