для читателей старше 18 лет
Copyright 2017 by Rauf Kuliyev. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except it the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
If some sudden sound scared me it means I wasn’t present at that moment!
— Rauf Kuliyev
In 2003 I moved to another country. I was 24. By that time I have graduated from Institute and spent one year in the military in my homeland. When I was driving to another state, I had no idea what was waiting for me there. I was hoping that I’d get a job in my specialty and would live like everyone else. But something went wrong.
When I arrived, I started looking for work in my profession, but all people that I was calling for help kept telling me, no. In search of work, I began traveling to other cities, but people continued to ignore me.
I was a good-looking and intelligent young man, but at that time I didn’t understand what was going on. I was too young and never expected to face such madness. It was surprising to see such human behavior. People ignored me because I was not local and had an accent. They rejected me because I was a person of another nationality. God knows, what they have in their mind. My accent has an impact on these people like an electric current. And many years later, when I became more conscious, I realized that it was the collective human ego.
In 2012 I suffered from very deep depression. That suffering was caused by my life situation I found myself in. And one day on the Internet I found an audiobook, which was called «The Power of Now.» When I started listening to it, I immediately realized the meaning of that book. At that moment I already didn’t need any explanation, because I was ready to listen to this teaching. By that time I’ve already suffered enough to realize that it was my salvation.
When I am unconscious
If the person is unconscious, it is evident from his behavior. You may have noticed how your wife or husband shake their legs while you sit around and talk. It can also happen when your partner watches TV or sits at his or her computer. You may have noticed it also in your own behavior. Many people do that without realizing it. But why this happens? Have you ever thought about it?
It’s often the case that all of a sudden you take a deep breath and then exhale. You do it as if you’re tired. In the past, when I was mainly unconscious, my father used to ask me at these moments: «What happened? Do you have any problems? Are you not good? Why are you sighing?»
I don’t know and can only guess why he asked me about it. Maybe he recognized this symptom and wanted to hear what I think about this. I used to say him, that I don’t have any problems and it was true. At that time there were no apparent life’s challenges by which I could justify these deep sighs. Nevertheless, at these moments I felt some tightness in my chest. I didn’t know where that pain came from. Periodically, many people feel it, but no one knows — what it is. It arises, you again sigh, and then it seems you feel better for some time.
While walking, I often pay attention to the faces of people who walk pass me. Watching people, I can see how they burdened by their thoughts. Some people’s faces look like as if they are in physical pain. But the thing is these people do feel pain. Only this pain is not physical, but emotional. These people are constantly in emotional pain. Eckhart Tolle calls it pain body.
You may notice that in your unconscious state, you often talk to people not looking at them. Most people talk not looking at each other. There is no direct contact so to speak. It feels as if they are talking to themselves, and it happens very often. In the process of communication, your mind draws an image of the person who is standing in the front of you. Even though this man is next to you, you are unable to find a contact with him. You talk to an image that was drawn by your mind for you. It turns out that you talk to himself.
There are times when some incomprehensible depression and sadness comes to you. And you don’t see any reason for this. You’re not hungry, and you have a roof over your head. It’s even possible that you are a relatively successful man but despite all this, you become dawn. In these moments you just want to cry. But where does this melancholy come from? No one can help you to escape this pain, even doctors. It’s a common problem, but no one knows how to deal with that. It is the area of spirituality.
I imagined him a very different person
There is a girl in my neighborhood, who was dating a guy. This guy lives in another area of the city, and we hadn’t been close, just the occasional «hello» on the street. After some time I formed some opinion of him. To be more precise, my mind did. In a short amount of time, my thinking created a mental image of this guy. Now I can’t say anything about that opinion, but clearly, it was not a good one.
One day we ran into each other on the street. And this was on the way, so I walked with him for about 100 meters and talked about something. I was very surprised when I got to know him. He was an entirely different person, in contrast to what I imagined before. My mind has drawn an entirely different picture for me, but this man was very gentle and friendly. All this time I thought I knew him, but it turned out that this was not true.
As we passed along this small distance, we talked about something. It lasted not for long, maybe a minute or two, but to get to know this guy it was enough for me. After I talked to him and saw the way he behaves, I immediately realized what kind of person he is. I suddenly realized that this is a very decent and kind man.
What I’ve noticed it’s so precious to me. After this incident, I realized how much our mind could affect the relationships between people. Our thinking creates the world that is very different from the reality we live in.
I had a chance to adopt a child
When my wife brought a baby girl from the orphanage, I almost left her. At that time I sensed much fear in me. I said to her, I couldn’t live like this, and left. My wife named the kid Sonia. At that time Sonia was only one year old.
I hadn’t a willingness to accept that child, and I thought: «How could this happen to me. I’m a healthy man, and I will have children of my own. Why do I need this child? It is not my destiny. I should have own son or daughter.» My parents were also against me accepting and bringing up that child.
It was very hard for me to take this step because something’s been holding me back. The egoistic state of consciousness that ruled my life totally. It’s the core reason why so many people live without children. Because of their beliefs, they don’t even know that they have a chance. They have such a great opportunity — to adopt a child and to raise it. But they can’t make a decision to do that.
What kept me and why I couldn’t do that first step? It’s simple — I didn’t know what love was. I didn’t even expect the love would come to my life, and therefore I behaved like that. I have become a hostage of my beliefs. No one could help me because to talk about this is impossible.
This joy I can feel only through my experience. My thinking and imagination can’t help me in this. You can’t know what honey is if you haven’t tasted it. It’s the same in this case. So it’s necessary to spend some time with a child and then most likely you would feel love as you’ve never felt it before. It’s the place where all doubts disappear because this is direct knowledge.
Many people don’t have children of their own, but in this case, they have an excellent chance appeared in their life — they can adopt someone else’s child. It’s an opportunity to get something that can’t be explained by words. When you have your own baby it’s wonderful, but when you start raising someone else’s child your life may change drastically.
The thing is that if you bring up your own son or daughter, in your relationship with the child to a greater or lesser extent your ego is involved. In this case, you know that it’s «my» baby and the ego prevents the expression of genuine love for the child. But when you bring up an adopted child, the ego no longer works so much, because you already know, that this is «not my» kid. In this case, you have more chances to experience the true love without any impurities. And it, of course, pushes you into awareness. You receive a great opportunity to taste a presence.
I get incredible enjoyment from these games
When I play with my daughter on the sofa something important happens to me at these moments. Her every move generates some response in me. She likes to walk and jump on the couch. When she’s doing it, I get so much enjoyment out of it. No, it’s not pleasure, but real joy. Even if she walks on the couch and doesn’t touch me, the vibration through the sofa still reaches me and brings me the same effect. Something arises in my body, and I get incredible enjoyment out of these games. I am present in this moment, and I know that I am the initiator of that experience. It all starts with me.
For many people, it’s tough to communicate with their children, and this is like torture for them. Yes, of course, they try to hide their feelings, but they are not very good at this because you can see it even with the naked eye. Periodically, I also feel some resistance in me while playing with my daughter. It happens because of my unconsciousness. As soon as I enter a state of presence, contact with my baby becomes joyful for both of us. And now I don’t force myself and don’t say: «I have to play with my child.»
In this case, I already feel enjoyment. I begin to delve into every word of my child, and she doesn’t complain anymore. It seems that I have come in contact with her. But when I’m not present, my daughter see it and start to complain about this. Children always dissatisfied with the fact that you’re sleeping. When you are not present, you haven’t contact with your baby, and we can say you sleep. All resistance arises when you are in that state of consciousness. Of course, the kid is not satisfied, and he wants you to be with him and not somewhere else. The child constantly seeks your attention.
In our family, I mainly walk with my daughter. Once my wife took Sonia, and they went to the playground. When after walking they came home, my wife said to me: «How can you sit there with her so long? How do you do that? It’s so hard to wait for her!» I smiled because I knew what she was talking about. I knew that it must be hard for her. Unconscious people make tremendous efforts to walk with their child, but all they need at that moment is attention. You need to become present, and then your walking turns to the enjoyment.
When people don’t look at me, I get nervous
When I walk down the street, I sometimes notice following: if people don’t pay attention to me, if they don’t look at me when they pass me, then something in me begins to resist that. I spontaneously start feeling some negative energy in me.
And now I ask myself, what can it be? Is it something that comes from the depth, from me or is it something superficial and selfish? Maybe is it my ego that wants to look at him? Or is it the universe in me which needs continuous attention? It’s an unpleasant feeling, and that’s why I’m inclined to think it’s my ego.
So when I feel something like that, it probably means that I am unconscious at the moment. I need to be more alert and have to focus on the present moment. At the same time, I shouldn’t isolate myself or keep away from people. I have to keep on watching people, but now I need to do that more deeply. I should see myself in them and then this negative energy will no longer prevail in me, and I will get joy from this watching.
What makes me choke
When I start choking while eating it means that my mind generates too many thoughts at this moment. I often find myself on this, when I sit at the table with my family and eat or drink something. It happens when I escape from reality. When I start thinking more than usual while eating there is always a risk of choking.
No wonder in the childhood our parents warned us about this. They consistently told us that we couldn’t eat and watch TV at the same time. At each moment we must do only one thing. Everything is very simple. When I’m eating, I have to concentrate only on food. During meals, I calm down and stop to think of anything and even about food.
It applies to everything else. Whatever I do, at every moment of my life I need to pay attention only to what I do at that moment. As soon as I move away from that rule, externally this immediately affects the quality of what I do. At that moment I can either choke, fall or do something wrong.
Before I start doing anything, I need to make sure that I’m in peace. I need to look inside myself and make sure that inside of me there are no disturbances and I don’t care about anything. And then out of this state, I already start doing something. I need to keep that silence. Now, I will never choke while eating. Now I also will never fall while going down the street. Now every action of mine will be right.
When my relatives get together
Sometimes my family and relatives get together. The reason we meet usually is some holiday or someone’s birthday. Of course, I’m going to such meetings with happiness, hoping to see the people close to me, to talk to them and have a lovely time.
At first, everything is normal; just all people are a little shy. All sit quietly and talk to each other. At first, all is good. Some of the guests are a bit shy, but it’s not critical, though many people think differently. And here we start little by little to drink alcohol. Everybody knows that drinking make it easier to communicate, and this is true. After drinking a few glasses it becomes simpler to talk, but the fact is that we lost the quality of communication. Now we don’t get a joy we usually get when we are sober.
After drinks, we can already talk in a more relaxed way. We believe that now we are in more priority position. Now we talk much more than before. And it doesn’t matter for you what you are saying at this time. Now the more important thing for you — it’s the noise. You start talking loudly and occasionally even yelling. It depends on how much you’ve drunk. Now comes a time when we all just sit and yell at each other.